Bernstein: Omer’s Double-Double Saves World
By Dan Bernstein–
The effects of Omer Asik’s achievement of double-figure points and rebounds in the same game were felt immediately last night, improving all aspects of life around the globe.
Financial markets rallied broadly on the news of the rookie center’s 11-point, 16-rebound performance in New Jersey, while prices for crude oil dropped.
At a joint press conference in Washington, President Barack Obama and Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan expressed the joy and hope spreading across oceans.
“This is a proud day for all of us,” Obama said. “Omer is a citizen of Turkey, and he plays in America, but his long-awaited double-double is celebrated by every person on earth. God Bless America, and Go Omer!”
— Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri appeared in a grainy video, smiling and giving Asik’s signature “two thumbs up” gesture. “We are done with the whole ‘violent jihad against the Great Satan’ thing,” al-Zawahiri said. “What’s the point, now? As soon as he got that tip-in, I kinda forgot what we were so mad about.”
— Congressional Democrats and Republicans hammered out sweeping compromises on the federal budget, health care, gun control and tax policy. House Speaker John Boehner and minority leader Nancy Pelosi watched the final minute of Bulls/Nets next to each other on a couch in Pelosi’s office. “There are just some things that trigger real emotions,” a tearful Boehner said.
— Leaders of Mexico’s largest and most violent drug cartels, all wearing Bulls jerseys, turned themselves in to authorities and announced their shared intention to redirect their money and efforts toward building hospitals and schools for the nation’s poor. “We have been inspired to do better,” Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman said.
— Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control noticed an instant disappearance of the most communicable and virulent forms of influenza that coincided with the Nets’ official scorer entering data from last night’s game into the NBA system. A CDC spokesperson said “There will be no pandemic of any kind this year, or ever.”
— Global temperatures began to stabilize during Asik’s eight-point, nine-rebound first half. By the end of the game, polar ice caps had reappeared, and areas of the Amazon rainforest had re-grown with young trees exactly seven feet tall.
— Jay Leno retired, telling reporters that Asik’s volleyball-style block of a Sundiata Gaines layup attempt caused a powerful self-realization. “It comes down to the fact that I am just not that funny, and, more importantly, I lack the requisite intellectual curiosity to be an effective or compelling interviewer.”
— Foods that were bad for you are now good for you. US government nutritional guidelines have been altered to reflect new recommendations — “Double-Double” portions of such things as cheese toast, chimichangas, and Twix. The Center for Science in the Public Interest changed the description of fettuccine alfredo from “heart attack on a plate” to “big bowl of awesome.”
— The Southern Poverty Law Center noted a marked decline in the number of hate groups across the US. “A white man picked up the slack for a black man in foul trouble, and he came through,” said SPLC President Richard Cohen. “How can that not move you?”
Asik was unavailable for comment.
In related news, astronomers have identified a large meteor that is on a trajectory to collide with Earth sometime in the next month, possibly ending life as we know it. Experts believe the only thing that can possibly prevent catastrophe is a twenty-point scoring outburst by forward Brian Scalabrine.