Bernstein: Omer’s Double-Double Saves World

By Dan Bernstein–

The effects of Omer Asik’s achievement of double-figure points and rebounds in the same game were felt immediately last night, improving all aspects of life around the globe.

Financial markets rallied broadly on the news of the rookie center’s 11-point, 16-rebound performance in New Jersey, while prices for crude oil dropped.

At a joint press conference in Washington, President Barack Obama and Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan expressed the joy and hope spreading across oceans.

“This is a proud day for all of us,” Obama said. “Omer is a citizen of Turkey, and he plays in America, but his long-awaited double-double is celebrated by every person on earth. God Bless America, and Go Omer!”


— Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri appeared in a grainy video, smiling and giving Asik’s signature “two thumbs up” gesture. “We are done with the whole ‘violent jihad against the Great Satan’ thing,” al-Zawahiri said. “What’s the point, now? As soon as he got that tip-in, I kinda forgot what we were so mad about.”

— Congressional Democrats and Republicans hammered out sweeping compromises on the federal budget, health care, gun control and tax policy. House Speaker John Boehner and minority leader Nancy Pelosi watched the final minute of Bulls/Nets next to each other on a couch in Pelosi’s office. “There are just some things that trigger real emotions,” a tearful Boehner said.

— Leaders of Mexico’s largest and most violent drug cartels, all wearing Bulls jerseys, turned themselves in to authorities and announced their shared intention to redirect their money and efforts toward building hospitals and schools for the nation’s poor. “We have been inspired to do better,” Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman said.

— Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control noticed an instant disappearance of the most communicable and virulent forms of influenza that coincided with the Nets’ official scorer entering data from last night’s game into the NBA system. A CDC spokesperson said “There will be no pandemic of any kind this year, or ever.”

— Global temperatures began to stabilize during Asik’s eight-point, nine-rebound first half. By the end of the game, polar ice caps had reappeared, and areas of the Amazon rainforest had re-grown with young trees exactly seven feet tall.

— Jay Leno retired, telling reporters that Asik’s volleyball-style block of a Sundiata Gaines layup attempt caused a powerful self-realization. “It comes down to the fact that I am just not that funny, and, more importantly, I lack the requisite intellectual curiosity to be an effective or compelling interviewer.”

— Foods that were bad for you are now good for you. US government nutritional guidelines have been altered to reflect new recommendations — “Double-Double” portions of such things as cheese toast, chimichangas, and Twix. The Center for Science in the Public Interest changed the description of fettuccine alfredo from “heart attack on a plate” to “big bowl of awesome.”

— The Southern Poverty Law Center noted a marked decline in the number of hate groups across the US. “A white man picked up the slack for a black man in foul trouble, and he came through,” said SPLC President Richard Cohen. “How can that not move you?”

Asik was unavailable for comment.

In related news, astronomers have identified a large meteor that is on a trajectory to collide with Earth sometime in the next month, possibly ending life as we know it. Experts believe the only thing that can possibly prevent catastrophe is a twenty-point scoring outburst by forward Brian Scalabrine.

More from Dan Bernstein
  • Larry Horse's Arse

    And it was a legit double-double.

    Toasted cheese all around, boys.

    • EMAN49127

      Alright !!!!
      We finally got to see Asik pull it off !!!
      We Bulls fans have been patiently waiting for this moment.

      This season has been very exciting so far, what other wonderfull things will the Bulls show us this year !
      So many of the boys have picked their games up to a new level this year.
      It’s fun to watch the DA BULLS again.

      ALL THE WAY BOYS !!!
      I can’t wait to see Derrick hold the trophy in the air !

      GO BULLS !!!!

  • Murphs Upper-Lip

    Congrats, Dan, without a doubt, as Omer was inching closer and closer to his double-double, I found myself rooting for it too happen for you, one Danny Bernstine!

    Wish this meteoric-happening would have rubbed off on the Indian, though, as Crawford was out on the ice in the starting lineup yet again. As mentioned on this very blogsight quite recently, Corey has had a great stretch, but give the man a break, Q! Not after he’s given up 3 goals in just over a period of play, but give him his much needed rest! The ‘Hawks, as a whole, have not turned back to their pre 8-game win streak; for the most part I’m happy with what I’m seeing on the ice. Just have a tired goal-tender, it appears… CC has given up, on average, 3 goals in his last 8 games, without being on the ice to completion in all of those. Hawks play Sunday, and then not again until Wednesday, 1 game in 5 nights… tell Corey, Hey Buddy, we love ya and we’re giving you some much needed rest, we’re giving you a day off Sunday — no matter what happens between now and then in the standings — for the betterment of the team.


      And then, Turco would have, actually, had his head in the game. Not the best decision on that fourth goal.

      • Murphs Upper-Lip




    At the risk of sounding sacrilegious during Lent:
    Alas, there was a cosmic balancing act; the ‘hawks decided to play a really bad game against a critical opponent.
    The Stars are similar to the ‘hawks, but they are, exactly why the ‘hawks are where they are.
    Because, the ‘hawks should be above the Kings

  • Denver Deadite

    Early blog this morning.

    Hawks didn’t show up last night. Most of the b-ball fans I saw around town yesterday were Louisville fans, to which I now point and laugh at.

    The NFL’s proposed rule changes to protect players? Just get it over with and make it the National Flag Football League, because that’s where this is headed anyways.

    • Mr. Pouty Pants

      I actually think i can hit people more in my flag football more than these new rules imply.

      • Murphfan1138

        Sad thing is, that’s probably true

    • Spoon

      I dont even understand the announcement after listening to it being dissected for 4 hours. No one could agree if it was new, if it was old, if it was a new ’emphasis’ on old rules, etc. I simply cannot imagine a flag being thrown for sacking the quarterback as he’s throwing. That would SERIOUSLY impact my enjoyment of the game.

      • Mr. Pouty Pants

        If the “new rules” are as strict as they sound it will seriously hurt the game. I know Bernstein would call BS on this but if you can’t hit the QB, you can’t hit a receiver while catching the ball, and you can’t hit anyone who may have lost forward momentum, people will stop watching.

      • Spoon

        I dont think he’d call BS as loudly as he normally would. I’m not even sure he’d call BS on it. I wouldn’t STOP watching, but there’d be almost no game outside of the Bears game that I’d watch during the week. Even that might be ‘watch some of the Bears game’. Defense is why I love football. You’d be effectively removing defense from the game before 10 yards of offense occur.

        I gotta believe that what we’re hearing, cant possibly be what ends up happening.

  • George Oscar Bluth

    Omer was fantastic last night. The rest of the team, however, ugly. Taj Gibson seems to have about a 3 minute stint every game where he single handedly messes up a lead by botching every facet of the game. I keep telling myself it’s the dog days of March for NBA teams and that once the playoffs start some of these things will go away…but this team looks really dumpy offensively a lot lately.


    As a side note, I’ve been giving Duncan Keith a pass this season.
    Maybe, just maybe, losing five teeth takes a lot longer to recover from than anyone can figure.
    He pumps up his game, and then,
    Does anyone else think last night, that he didn’t get hit in the stomach? I’m guessing the puck found “the boys” last night.

    • BBOX

      Perhaps his “wee-knee” to borrow a phrase from Pat Foley?

  • Larry Horse's Arse

    Come April 7, the safest place in CHicago will be standing next to the Scottie Pippin statue at the UC, it won’t tip.

  • Mike Schmitz

    We’re doomed!

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      I believe that Omer hitting a DD is one of the signs of The End Times found in the sacred Book of Boers.

      • bronzo

        Whie watching the game last night I knew this was going to be the blog subject today. I love it…Stacy King called him the Turkish Hammer…in the same voice he uses when CJ Watson scores and he says AHHHH Randy Watson” the Eddy Murphy character from the movie “Coming to America”…think ‘Sexual Chocolate!

  • Mr. Pouty Pants

    Does this mean Dan will be polite to idiot callers who love hockey fights for no reason, start to like Jim Belushi, be nice texters who can’t spell, and spearhead the return of Chief Illiniwek?

    • bigtime sucker

      please don’t open the chief can of worms, it’s just now starting to die down down here

      • bigtime sucker

        i once got in trouble for telling someone down here that it was good to see a team represented by the chief win a championship. i was referring to chief blackhawk after the stanley cup. didn’t win a lot of friends with that one.

    • Chris in Scottsdale

      LoL- Pants, you are on a ROLL!

      • Mr. Pouty Pants

        Thanks, Chris. If I can sneak out of the office long enough I will call and ask these questions myself.

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      Just goofing on ak-sk for ask……

    • Larry

      Was that supposed to be “ask him” or “Asik him”?


    good stuff

  • mike in davenport

    This is better than anything The Onion has done in 10 years.

    This is the Dan Bernstein that I like. Not the obvious troll Dan Bersnstein.

    I’d love to hear the celebration today, but If Roz is in, I’ll pass. I need to stay awake at work. Why can’t Jason sit in every time Terry is gone?

    • Peter (in Rogers Park)

      There’s certainly some cute stuff in this blog (the Jay Leno stuff is bang on). If it had been published in The Onion I really don’t think it would have stood out from the other pieces.

    • Denver Deadite

      Well, to be fair, The Onion is far more about the headline the article. :)

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      Yeah, this really was Bernsie at his best.

  • Chris in Scottsdale

    The Twitterverse following both Goff and Bernstein was pure gold last night… as soon as Omer registered the double-double, people were all over Bernstein’s page issuing congratulations as if HE’d been the one to get it.

    Fun blog post this morning. I ask to laugh, or I ask to think. This was the former.

  • Larry Horse's Arse

    Ya gotta love the photo of Omer that was used to illustrate Dan-Os blog today.

    • Chris in Scottsdale

      Personally, I’m a bigger fan of his Wikipedia pic…Ömer_Aşık

      I don’t know which one works, but both should.

      • Larry Horse's Arse

        quick glance, the hand of the other player in the Wiki shot is priceless


  • Cameltoe Rancher

    And Mary Mitchell finally admitted (over a shot of Tullymore Dew) that she is 1/6th Irish

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      Damn….I always thought that MM was 100% sh!t (as in full of sh!t).

  • Rich "The Main Event"

    You know, listening to it on the radio and hearing the Omer might have a shot at a Double Double, I only thought of one man…Dan Bernstein. After weeks of you explainning to the good man Jason Goff, and your Partner in Crime Terry B, I must say this is like you scoring the Double Double Dan. By some form of osmosis, Dan Bernstein imbodied Omer Asik and helped him become a one night Legend in Chicago. Congrats Dan! I just hope you can do it again come playoff time.


  • Stretch Armstrong

    I like the idea of Scalabrine dropping 20 points, but I’m unclear as to how hell freezing over would destroy a meteor headed for Earth.

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      Excellent point…maybe LoHo would know because of all the scientific knowledge he has attained from reading comic books.

      • Rick Telander

        Japanese kids builing giant robots?!? AAAHHHHHH!!!!! Sorry, guys, I got a new article to write…

      • Chris in Scottsdale

        Well, if the meteor were in the DC Universe, they’d just have some Japanese kid build a giant robot…

        …I’ll stop there and head back to the fanboy corner of the dance floor.

  • Jefe

    Omer’s performance proves that anything is possible. Peace in the Middle East. Famine eliminated. Hate turning to Love.

    Omer make me want to be a better human and I know have the Omer power of positive thinking to accomplish the impossible. Thank you, Omer


    Did we settle on the “new/old” NFL rules?
    Are they really changing the face of the game as we know it, or are they just tweaking rules?

    That was such a strange (or strangely worded) proposition.

    Can’t wait for that first Jacksonville or Carolina game on the NFL network!

    • bigtime sucker

      didn’t get that last part of your remark, is there something going on with the NFL Network?

  • Mike in Milwaukee

    Put your money on BELMONT today.

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      Sorry Mike, no can do.
      I bet my feedbag last night on Belmont against Wis-kahn-sin, and the 3s killed Belmont.
      Hey, isn’t there a famous horse-racing track in NY named Belmont?
      I shouldda bet there…I know horses better than hoops.

  • crash corrigan

    And at least DB had the good taste to leave out any comments re: Japan. Maybe Bernstein will be the next AFLAC spokesman?

  • Denver Deadite

    I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m getting my gay on: NCAA D1 Wrestling National Championships Session III on right now.


    • Denver Deadite

      Why in the world did that comment get placed where it did?

      • Spoon

        Usually that means a comment was reported/nuked and then this epic software falls apart.

    • bigtime sucker


      Now to find some paper towels, this is quite gross

  • bigtime sucker

    i don’t like the turkish hammer nickname,
    i do however love


    • Chris in Scottsdale

      A wrestling-fan friend of mine suggested the Iron Asik. Very clever, but he’s not Iranian.

      I’m still partial to the Istan-Bull… just too perfect.

      • bigtime sucker

        how about “OMERZING”

        THAT sucked


    Been moderated about a hundred times.

    What about my gay?

    • Denver Deadite

      The forum software obviously doesn’t like you’re gay.

      • SPAULDING!

        actually, it doesn’t like the word

      • Larry Horse's Arse

        That drop-in is used on B&B all the time.
        The B&B show has one standard and yet the Bernsie blog is being moderated by the Amish or something.


    There’s a reason why the Bulls didn’t trade Omer Asik at the NBA Trade Deadline, and we saw more proof of that last night in the Bulls’ 8th straight win over the Nets last night in Newark. He had 11 points, 16 rebounds in just under 25 minutes off the bench in the Bulls’ 84-73 win. Only things he couldn’t do…He was 1/4 from the free throw line and he was the postgame interview on the Bulls’ radio flagship with Chuck Swirsky and a scratchy-voiced Bill Wennington up the dial. Kinda hard to understand, but other than that, Asik did an outstanding job. It just goes to show that the best moves are the ones that aren’t made.

    As for tonight, even though the Bulls are Central Division Champions and have dominated their divisional foes to this point, watch tonight’s game carefully if you can. It seems hard to believe, but if the Bulls maintain the #1 seed in the Eastern Conference, the Pacers may very well be the Bulls’ first round playoff opponent next month. Indiana starts the night 1/2 game ahead of the Bobcats for the final playoff seed in the East. While the Pacers host the Bulls at Conseco Fieldhouse tonight, the Bobcats have a tough assignment in Oklahoma City vs. the Thunder.

    As for the Celtics, they start a road trip in Houston vs. a Rockets’ team flirting with the .500 mark in the top-heavy Western Conference. The C’s head to New Orleans tomorrow night vs. the Hornets. Not exactly the easiest of back-to-backs for Glenn “Doc” Rivers’ veteran crew from Boston.

    • bigtime sucker

      g d’it, if my wife wasn’t working, i would be there tonight!!!

    • Chris in Scottsdale

      Charlotte in the first round? That’s fine, as long as that franchise enters a tailspin starting next year… because I want that Tyrus Thomas pick to pay huge dividends down the road. The pick is protected top-14 in 2012; protected top-12 in 2013; protected top-10 in 2014; protected top-8 in 2015; and unprotected in 2016.

      The best things come to those who wait… so as long as Charlotte is bad AFTER this year, I’d love a top-4 pick just as Boozer’s contract comes up. I don’t see the Bulls needing to draft an impact young player anytime soon.

      I know it’s looking FAR ahead, but I was thinking “Hmmm… Maybe they can start looking for an heir apparent to Derrick… but at the time of that potential pick, Derrick Rose will still only 27. Good gravy. I just had a tingle.

  • Jon, Montgomery

    LOL! bernstein is praising asik already! the entire show open was dedicated to omer.

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