“Fast Five”
Rated PG-13
Grade: C-

“Fast Five” should have been a high-octane blockbuster, but this ludicrous lead footed lemon is about as dumb as a box of rocks. It makes even the Burt Reynolds car crash extravaganzas of the 80′s such as Cannonball Run look like richly textured social satires by comparison.

Vin Diesel, still looking like a guy who should’ve been called cement-head in high school, and Paul (you won’t even notice me) Walker return as the charisma challenged leads in this fifth installment of the car racing series which takes the underground fugitives to Rio. They assemble a whole new team to steal a drug kingpin’s fortune. They’re pursued through the streets and slums of Rio by a Federal Agent, Dwayne (Don’t Call Me The Rock) Johnson, hell bent on bringing them in.

In the screening I attended the only thing that got bigger laughs than the bizarro increasingly ridiculous stunts, was the unintentionally hilarious dialogue. Dr. Seuss books have more complicated sentences than the ones growled, shouted, and barely enunciated by Vin Diesel.

“Fast Five” only exists to sell tickets, and the only things it’s interested in are fast cars and T & A. This would all be well and good if it didn’t feel so mechanical and joyless. Sure, it’s kind of fun to watch fugitives try to evade the cops while dragging a giant bank vault behind them, but I like to ask a little more from my movies than aggressively mindless entertainment.

There’s a satirical video from The Onion which shows an interview with “Fast Five” screenwriter Chris Morgan, who turns out to be a 5-year-old boy. But I think even a 5-year-old might find this script beneath him.

“Fast Five”
Grade: C-