Spiegel: The NBA’s Death Star Must Be Defeated

By Matt Spiegel–

CHICAGO (WSCR) I have said it all season, beginning with the free agent signings of last summer; the Miami Heat are the NBA’s Death Star. They are impressive, powerful, shiny and imposing. They demand attention, often providing awe-inspiring feats of power and strength. But, the Galactic NBA Empire will be defeated. They MUST be defeated, for the good of the entire Sports Universe.

The Celtics failed, the Lakers flat out quit, and who knows if anyone left in the West could accomplish it? It’s up to the Chicago Bulls to get it done.

• Derrick Rose, our young Jedi MVP will lead them. The Force is strong with him, and he will one day be the master of us all.
• John Paxson is Obi-Wan Kenobi. “Patience, young rim-rocker, patience.”
• Tom Thibodeau is Yoda, spending endless hours with the Jedi in a darkened film room (the planet Dagobah), mentoring him on the ways of The Force.
• Joakim Noah is the trusted wookie Chewbacca. That’s an easy one. Do the sounds amongst yourselves.
• Carlos Boozer is Han Solo. A wild card, a reckless mercenary. Frustratingly cavalier at times, but without him, the mission will not succeed. “GIMME DAT MILLENIUM FALCON, CHEWIE!” “REBEL ALLIANCE, COUNT IT!” Of course, before his breakout in game 6 of the Atlanta series, he could have put cinnamon rolls on his ears and been a pretty good Princess Leia, constantly needing to be saved.
• Kyle Korver is C3PO. Dashing good looks, troubling robotic defensive efforts.
• Keith Bogans is R2D2. Often annoying as compared to his peers, it can be difficult to discern his value. But he’s surprisingly resourceful and likable.
• Luol Deng presents casting options. I like him as Lando Calrissian: a gentleman, once mistrusted, who ends up being worth every penny; a valued accomplice. Others have suggested Luol is Wedge Antilles. He was part of the Rebellion before the young Jedi master arrived, and helped to bring down both the 1st and 2nd Death Star.
• Omer Asik looks horrifyingly like a Tauntaun, the omnivorous reptomammal indigenous to the icy planet of Hoth. Google it…it’s alarming.

And on the dark side…
• LeBron James is Darth Vader, the still brilliant Jedi who sadly fell to the wrong side of the Force. He is our chief antagonist.
• Dwyane Wade is Grand Moff Tarkin, the original commander of the Death Star, who enslaved others to work underneath him. He is destined to be destroyed by our young Jedi himself.
• Pat Riley is Emperor Palpatine, who ushered in this awful age. His secret identity is that of Darth Sidious, a dark lord of the Sith, using his powers to set these wheels in motion.
• Eric Spoelstra is Count Dooku, a Sith apprentice to the Emperor himself, entrusted with the Death Star undeservingly.
• Zydrunas Ilgauskas is Jabba the Hutt, the ageless, disgusting behemoth whose sheer grossness somehow makes him endearing. It’s awful to imagine him locking down Boozer in Princess Leia mode, in a steel bikini.
• Mike Miller is Boba Fett, with his endless tattoos standing in for body armor. And, as we grudgingly respected Boba Fett, you must grudgingly respect Mike Miller’s jumper.
• Juwan Howard is Admiral Piett, the rebel sympathizer who let Han Solo go in the 2nd film. He’s our own Chicagoan, and we all know deep down, he wants the Bulls to win.

But what about Chris Bosh? You know, the guy I like to call “the coat-tail rider,” that whiny, screaming, fake tough guy with no business being in this position. Well, there is one character, in the entire Star Wars realm, near-universally hated and derided. This character was essentially given third billing in movies with Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson, for god’s sakes. And even though he was on the right side of the battle, he garnered a tremendous amount of attention in all the wrong ways. He became a laughingstock.

Chris Bosh is Jar Jar Binks.

And you have to admit, he’s a dead ringer.

Go Bulls.

Thanks are due to my friends on Twitter (@mattspiegel670), whose twitteraction furthered my nerdom, and to the Score’s Connor McKnight, who fortunately for me had no friends as a child.

More from Matt Spiegel
  • Jeff

    Just have to chime in with the obligatory:

    “Now witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL battle station!”
    “It’s a TRAP!”


  • javier

    Bench mob as the Ewoks

  • Steve Boyd

    Brian Scalabrine as Jar-Jar Binks. There, annoying, and still there.

  • Tim in PA

    I was thinking Taj could be that dude in the cloud city with the computer wrapped around his ears. When called upon he wakes up and does what is asked of him……

    • Beard Man

      Lobot is that guy’s name I think…good one, I like that.

      • Beard Man

        You know, it just might be. Never made that connection before, good catch

      • tom

        I don’t think they are the same guy but the guy from back to the future was the same guy who played the captain of the ship in the movie top gun.

      • big time sucker

        wasn’t it the same dude that played the principal in back to the future? you know what you are mcfly? a slacker

  • AT3374

    Awesome , just awesome

  • QuadCityPat

    Nice, Spiegs. Bosh as jar jar is perfect

  • mike in davenport

    Jesus Spiegs, this blog is all kinds of AWESOME/

  • P-town Kurt

    Deng could be Princess Laya, a leaderof sorts, is strong with the force but does not know it, always there in the fight, but at the end of the day just a B!tch.

  • p-town kurt

    I should learn how to spell leia huh….

  • Cameltoe Rancher

    Meatpants: BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Very well-done!

  • By Cracky!

    Wow, this is gold Spiegs, GOLD!!!

  • fyshdaddy

    Why does Mac hate the Bulls? Seems like he is joining Cowley and cheering for the Heat. Who cares about national hockey in Chicago? Maybe Mac wants a job on TSN…geez..

    • 2nd Half Adjustments

      What the hell are you reading? He just wrote an entire column making the Miami Heat the 2nd most evil force science-fiction has ever seen.

      • fyshdaddy

        I read Mac’s column. I love spiegs’ Star Wars blog. Mac has one in the trib that raves about the Heat and bashes for Rose for being boring off the court. Other than Kane how many blackhawks aren’t boring? How many of them can put two sentences together? Mac really hates basketball and can’t even fake it even when the Bulls are in their first conference finals since 98. Keep up the tough fight Spiegs!

      • big time sucker

        mac cares about media relations. that’s why he spends countless airtime talking about broadcasters and commentators and interviewers, one of the signature segments of mac jurko and harry was critics and extra large. he gets pleasure on such things and his article in the trib was about how rose being humble and everything has a negative impact on the entertainment value of in areas that have nothing to do with what happens on the court. i do not believe he wants the heat to win because he likes them better ON THE COURT, he is simply saying that the heat winning would be a huge boon for the NBA because of Wade’s and James’s skills in both on the court play and off the court theatrics, Rose and the bulls might make us thrilled but the NBA would be biting their nails when the ever telling ratings come out for each game.

      • Spoon

        It’s just typical Mac, telling people they’re not allowed to tell people how to feel/act, while telling people how to feel/act. He seems to take pleasure in being the guy who cr@ps all over something. In a far more annoying, spineless way than most people would. He’s the buddy that waits till you’re on your way to pick up that new hottie you met, and then he points out that she has a crooked nose, while saying “Look, I’m just being honest!”

  • Bib Fortuna

    Udonis Haslem is Salacious Crumb. He just sits on Jabba’s (Ilgauskas) belly and laughs while pulling out 3-po’s eyes.

    • ROTJ Luke

      “You serve your master well. . . “

  • W Guy Finley

    Taj = Mace Windo

  • W Guy Finley

    I need an editor – *Windu

  • M-No

    Someone needs to be Admiral Akbar! May I suggest Luol Deng as Mace Windu, he rocks an awesome purple light sabre.

    • Ackbar

      ITS A TRAP!!

    • AT3374

      Sheldon Williams has Ackbar down pat

      Deng as Windu works

  • Mark, Sterling

    Classic Spiegs. Definitely gonna link this to all my friends who are Star Wars/Bulls fans.

  • thebizkit

    Memo to Bernstein… THATS HOW TO DO A DAMN BLOG lol.

    Very funny Spiegs I almost spit out my coffee when you compared Noah to Chewbaca lol. Dead on comparison IMO.

    One thing that Starwars did not have was bad ref’s, these guy’s are even worse than clone troopers, they alone will win the series for the evil Empire.

    Then it might be up to the Dallas ENTERPRISE and Captain Dirk!!

    Ehh Ehh see what I did there!

  • Beard Man

    Mike Bibby is one of the Imperial Guards…he’s always around, and seems like he should be important, but he basically does nothing. Good work Spiegs, this is classic.

    • AT3374

      Bi Cracky , BeardMan first off

      Second , couldn’t agree more and he’s a bad interview

  • John McIntosh

    Well done Spiegs, well done in deed as I am a Star Wars geek from waaaaaaay back. And to the dude the compared Taj to “Lobot” Lando’s administrative aide cyborg, pretty good. SLPN


    Scotty Pippen is the shimmering blue spectre of Obi Wan Kenobi.

    Now, that’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.

    A long time.

  • Spoon

    Epic Spiegs, Epic.

    • bronzo

      Absolut friggin genius!! This is good stuff…

  • Harry Caray

    What the hell has the Empire done to young Danny Bernstine?


    Stacey King can provide the Wilhelm scream.

  • big time sucker

    alonzo mourning is darth maul, the one that the emperor initially put his trust in, displayed tremendous skill and a cool look, but at the end of the day, couldn’t get the job done!!!

    • AT3374

      Yet Zo did win , though Wade and Shaq were the main reason Zo played his butt off that year and earned his ring . Just saying

      • big time sucker

        that was role player zo, or zo who was recovering from kidney disease, i was referrign to healthy young zo, who was the superstar and backbone of the heat of the late 90’s.

blog comments powered by Disqus
Daily Weather Reports Delivered To You!SIGN UP NOW: Get daily weather reports every morning from meteorologist Steve Baskerville!
CBS Sports Radio RoundupGet your latest sports talk from across the country.

Listen Live