By Matt Spiegel–
CHICAGO (WSCR) I have said it all season, beginning with the free agent signings of last summer; the Miami Heat are the NBA’s Death Star. They are impressive, powerful, shiny and imposing. They demand attention, often providing awe-inspiring feats of power and strength. But, the Galactic NBA Empire will be defeated. They MUST be defeated, for the good of the entire Sports Universe.
The Celtics failed, the Lakers flat out quit, and who knows if anyone left in the West could accomplish it? It’s up to the Chicago Bulls to get it done.
• Derrick Rose, our young Jedi MVP will lead them. The Force is strong with him, and he will one day be the master of us all.
• John Paxson is Obi-Wan Kenobi. “Patience, young rim-rocker, patience.”
• Tom Thibodeau is Yoda, spending endless hours with the Jedi in a darkened film room (the planet Dagobah), mentoring him on the ways of The Force.
• Joakim Noah is the trusted wookie Chewbacca. That’s an easy one. Do the sounds amongst yourselves.
• Carlos Boozer is Han Solo. A wild card, a reckless mercenary. Frustratingly cavalier at times, but without him, the mission will not succeed. “GIMME DAT MILLENIUM FALCON, CHEWIE!” “REBEL ALLIANCE, COUNT IT!” Of course, before his breakout in game 6 of the Atlanta series, he could have put cinnamon rolls on his ears and been a pretty good Princess Leia, constantly needing to be saved.
• Kyle Korver is C3PO. Dashing good looks, troubling robotic defensive efforts.
• Keith Bogans is R2D2. Often annoying as compared to his peers, it can be difficult to discern his value. But he’s surprisingly resourceful and likable.
• Luol Deng presents casting options. I like him as Lando Calrissian: a gentleman, once mistrusted, who ends up being worth every penny; a valued accomplice. Others have suggested Luol is Wedge Antilles. He was part of the Rebellion before the young Jedi master arrived, and helped to bring down both the 1st and 2nd Death Star.
• Omer Asik looks horrifyingly like a Tauntaun, the omnivorous reptomammal indigenous to the icy planet of Hoth. Google it…it’s alarming.
And on the dark side…
• LeBron James is Darth Vader, the still brilliant Jedi who sadly fell to the wrong side of the Force. He is our chief antagonist.
• Dwyane Wade is Grand Moff Tarkin, the original commander of the Death Star, who enslaved others to work underneath him. He is destined to be destroyed by our young Jedi himself.
• Pat Riley is Emperor Palpatine, who ushered in this awful age. His secret identity is that of Darth Sidious, a dark lord of the Sith, using his powers to set these wheels in motion.
• Eric Spoelstra is Count Dooku, a Sith apprentice to the Emperor himself, entrusted with the Death Star undeservingly.
• Zydrunas Ilgauskas is Jabba the Hutt, the ageless, disgusting behemoth whose sheer grossness somehow makes him endearing. It’s awful to imagine him locking down Boozer in Princess Leia mode, in a steel bikini.
• Mike Miller is Boba Fett, with his endless tattoos standing in for body armor. And, as we grudgingly respected Boba Fett, you must grudgingly respect Mike Miller’s jumper.
• Juwan Howard is Admiral Piett, the rebel sympathizer who let Han Solo go in the 2nd film. He’s our own Chicagoan, and we all know deep down, he wants the Bulls to win.
But what about Chris Bosh? You know, the guy I like to call “the coat-tail rider,” that whiny, screaming, fake tough guy with no business being in this position. Well, there is one character, in the entire Star Wars realm, near-universally hated and derided. This character was essentially given third billing in movies with Ewan McGregor and Liam Neeson, for god’s sakes. And even though he was on the right side of the battle, he garnered a tremendous amount of attention in all the wrong ways. He became a laughingstock.
Chris Bosh is Jar Jar Binks.
And you have to admit, he’s a dead ringer.
Thanks are due to my friends on Twitter (@mattspiegel670), whose twitteraction furthered my nerdom, and to the Score’s Connor McKnight, who fortunately for me had no friends as a child.