Bernstein: Good Riddance To A Big, Stupid Baby

By Dan Bernstein- Senior Columnist

(CBS) Go away, Carlos, and take the whole act with you.

Pack up all your stomping, snorting, outsized machismo and sell it somewhere else. Take your on-field buffoonery, too — the eye-rolls at teammates, the dugout confrontations, the umpire-baiting, the bat-breaking, the ridiculous self-celebrations, and the staredowns with managers when they dare to take you out of a game.

And don’t forget all the phony-baloney apologies. They’ll keep for a while, since they’re canned.

The pandering, whispered contrition only fools dummies. It serves to convince the same kind of saps who believed that anger management therapy would do anything to make you less of an enabled, spoiled child.

Oh, and one more thing: take that absurd sky-point. You know which one I mean – the one at the end of each inning as you reach the dugout, pretending to glorify some god as you really call attention to yourself. It’s shallow and dumb.

For that matter, hit the road with all of the fake piety and humility. Remember what you said right after you signed that $91.5 million contract? “I’d like to thank god. Without him, I’m nothing, I’m screwed.”

(Actually, you said you were “a screw,” or “escrewed,” if memory serves.)

Well guess what, bonehead – you’re screwed. And a screw, and escrewed.

God called, and he wants you to stop pointing at him. He also said he thinks you’re an unsalvageable idiot.

We put up with all your garbage when you were throwing hard and getting people out. It was fun when you mattered, when the Cubs were competitive.

Now, your arm isn’t what it was, your only significance is bad money and bad behavior, and the team is a total mess: spineless, rudderless ownership, management well behind the times, a current roster featuring just one material player, and no real prospects in the minor-league pipeline.

In other words, you’re yesterday’s news, and today’s news sucks. So there’s no reason, now, for your sugar-daddy Jim Hendry to cut you any slack.

The Cubs will trump up this latest transgression, hiding behind well-worn clichés about the teammates’ code of honor. Poor Mike Quade set the tone after the game, grumbling the “he walked out on 24 guys” trope as he rocked back and forth compulsively in his office chair, now reduced to a sad mental patient in a red-white-and-blue clown suit, waiting for the floor nurse to deliver his Thorazine.

And players, themselves, are now more than happy to tell everyone what an ass you are.

“It’s not like it’s something new,” Ryan Dempster said. “It’s been one thing after another.”

Here’s Alfonso Soriano: “He’s been doing a lot of things. Not one, not two. He’s a big man, but I think mentally he’s weak.”


But Soriano was too kind, even, in calling you a man. At least he made the important point that this was just another episode in your long-running saga of selfishness and immaturity. Consider it your finale as a Cub.

Another team will bring the circus to town, I have no doubt, after the Cubs sort out your suspension and departure, eating most of the remaining dollars. Hopeful fans may even warm to your antics, again excusing and misreading them as “competitive fire” or “hot-bloodedness.”

Good luck with that. Buena suerte. Vaya con dios.

I’ll point at the sky, myself, as soon as you get on a plane.

bernstein 90x130 Bernstein: Good Riddance To A Big, Stupid Baby

Dan Bernstein

Dan Bernstein has been the co-host of “Boers and Bernstein” since 1999. He joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995. The Boers and Bernstein Show airs every weekday from 1PM to 6PM on The Score, 670AM. Read more of Bernstein’s blogs here. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein.
Listen to The Boers and Bernstein Show podcasts >>

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  • PTC

    I finally agree with Dan.

  • Jeff Loucks

    hey dan, your not on the radio here, tell us what you REALLY think!! LMAO that was perfect!!

    • Jeff Loucks

      Oh sorry, you’re……

  • Bernstein: Good Riddance To A Big, Stupid Baby - Just another Silly Website - ThatsSilly

    […] View full post on stupid news – Yahoo! News Search Results […]

  • buttcrackie

    Sounds like Cubs baseball will be the subject on Monday so I’ll save myself some time and not listen. Sorry Dan can’t block me here. Cubs talk is probably the most boring subject in Sports but it gives Dan a chance to jump on a soapbox and make everyone listen to CJH.

    • DAC

      Listen to CJH? I doubt it.

      Listening to talk about the Cubs ineptness is great.

      • Glockster

        Ineptness? The word you are looking for is ineptitude.

  • DAC

    That was awesome Dan! Looking forward to hearing about it on the show Monday.

  • hammer

    Bernstein, with yet another story of something negative with sports. Do you ever see something you like?

    • chitownduck

      positivity isn’t interesting, you dope

      • Murphfan1138

        Sadly, that’s true. Just watch the news one night and see where the positive stuff is on the newscast…if it even appears that is!

  • Whiskers

    Zambrano’s exit reminds me of Sosa’s exit, another disappointing moment in Cubs history. How does Hendry talk his way out of this 91 million dollar mistake?

  • Lovie's Shiny Chin Scar

    Best column ever, Dan! Completely agree!

  • tom Sharp

    If only he’d take Ozzie with him on the plane with a one-way ticket back to Venezuela!!

    • Merlin

      Big difference between a selfish idiot and a selfless manager. One of them points to the sky, the other points to a World Series banner in the sky! Ozzie can stay as long as he wants.

      • Spoon

        If the end justifies the means, and the end has been a miserable failure, does that also mean that the means was a terrible idea?

      • Spoon

        Ozzie is as far from ‘selfless’ as a manager can be.

      • Merlin

        I disagree Spoon. Ozzie is the first one to take the blame for any issues the White Sox may be having. He has been the only manager I have ever heard say things like… “If Im the problem then show me the door”.

        Just because he is out spoken and honest doesn’t mean he is selfish.

      • Spoon

        Yes, forcing himself to be the center of attention on every issue is clearly a great example of selfless…

      • Merlin

        Actually, I think it is a great example. In my opinion Ozzie is doing what a manager should do. Take the attention off the team and their offensive production, or lack thereof, and put it on himself.
        It’s all about interpretation I guess.

      • Spoon

        They’re both forcing themselves to be the center of attention, yet you call one selfless and one selfish. They’re both selfish children that prevent relevant discussion on topics. One throws a tantrum by throwing things, and the other throws a tantrum by screaming ‘fire me’. Tomato, tomatoe.

      • Bronzo

        I disagree Spoon…while Ozzie likes to be the center of attention his ends justify his means. He is trying to take pressure off his players and bring it to himself….hence it’s better for the TEAM

        He is NOHING like Zambrano who is all about himself…no the team.

    • Arjay

      Dos pendejos!

  • Larry Horse's Arse

    Because Jason Marques broke a leg today, I think/hope/pray the D-backs will take him. Perfect: a d-bag playing for the D-Bags.

  • Glockster

    A family member of mine was telling me “I thought he went to anger management” to which I replied that Zambrano had, about three times, and found God about eight times (not sure if they were all the same god. One might actually just be Ozzie Guillen) and he was still the same childish clown he’d always been but being a bad player on a bad team meant that fans no longer had any reason to cut him any slack.

    Anyway you’d have to be an idiot to have believed that Z was a changed man (again) going into this season. And I got more news for you too: that Nigerian prince isn’t giving you any money either. Actually someone should tell Hendry that, because that might be the next deal he makes, but I digress.

    And Quade doesn’t get off in all this either. What the h*ll is he doing? He basically just struck out at tee-ball when it comes to actually appearing to have a spine. A wonderful, tailor made opportunity to look like a real major league manager and he just kind of did nothing. And Dan thinks Ricketts is like a jellyfish. I’m not looking for a paper throwing, obscenity laced rant, but be a little tougher about it. It looks like Quade doesn’t care almost as much as Zambrano doesn’t care. Of course all the caring in the world won’t make a bit of difference for the team, but at least give the appearance of being a leader.

    • Satan

      Quade’s self-awareness is so lacking, it’s comical, and you expect him to seize an “opportunity to look like a real manager”? There’d be a better chance that he’d draw in some eyebrows ala Uncle Leo in Seinfeld.

  • Murphfan1138

    The only thing I like about Zambrano is that he shows some “fire and passion” (yes, I realize Bernstein would love to live in a world where “fire and passion” is nothing more than a myth and athletes act like robots on the field, but unfortunately for Bernstein, that world will never exist), compared to the rest of the team. I sometimes wonder if the team is even awake out there…

    That being said, watch the Cubs try to bring him back next season rather than doing the obvious thing and buy out his contract (Already “Captain Conspiracy” Les Grobstein is going on about the MLBPA filing grievances and trying to get some of that lost money for Zambrano). Speaking of money, whoever had Friday in the Big Z Meltdown Pool must had made a killing financially.

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      in his case, I think he needs a ton of Prozac and Zyprexa for his version of the fire and the passion

    • Spoon

      How’s that ‘fire and passion’ doing for his performance?

      • Spoon

        In fact, in Zambrano’s case, it actually makes him WORSE at doing his job. So you can take the bad pitcher with the fire and the passion, I’ll take the good pitcher and I won’t care if he has ‘fire and passion’ or is as emotionless as a robot.

      • Spoon

        I’ve never heard him say he’d prefer it, only that it’s irrelevant to being good at your job, which you yourself have just verified. Thanks.

      • Murphfan1138

        Not much, but then again, no one can accuse him of being the emotionless athlete that Bernstein prefers having, as opposed to those who show some emotion.

      • Murphfan1138

        It has more relevance in sports than people like to admit. Heck, Bernstein shows a lot of “fire and passion” himself when expressing his disdain for the F&P talk. It’s what people do with it (and their control over it) that makes it good or bad.

        I never heard him say as much either, but his disdain for the F&P is a pretty good indicator of his preference for how players compose themselves.

        Stupid people may or may not deserve to be made fun of, but it doesn’t mean he’s required to do so.

        Now if he can get “Captain Conspiracy” Les Grobstein to stop with the conspiracies, I’ll be happy.

  • Some Guy

    Bernsie went HAM

  • DanMcneily

    This blows.

  • Lost in Rockford

    It sucks that every time the Cubs get a guy with legitimate talent either his arm falls off, he’s a loose cannon on par with the Hulk, or gets a terrible contract and refuses to put in effort.

  • Bilal

    I’m from stl and live in stl and listen to this guy everyday on podcast. Love him! Great stuff!

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      wise choice…
      “The Fast Lane” on St. Loo 101 would bore me to tears

  • Ry

    Stupid babies need the most attention!

    • Marge


      “It’s like I’m on some kind of WONDERFUL drug!”

  • Gentleman RaRa

    “God called, and he wants you to stop pointing at him.”

    Dan: Caller God from Heaven is on The Score, hello God.

    God: Am I on?


    God: Hey, how ya guys doin’? I just got two things to say to Zambrano: you’re a big bum who needs to leave town, and quit pointin’!!!

    Dan:….and quit playin’!!!!

    • Satan

      wow, this was cool, you should write plays.

      • jcraig

        God: I’ll hang up now and listen for my answer.


    Is it possible, that someone told him that Andrew Cashner was working his way back in to the lineup, and that there were going to be shifts in assignments? What is it– $58 Million remaining? Moving him without any compensation, at that price, would still be bad. Right now, they aren’t paying him. If that holds up in appeals, then they marginalize him. September call ups are coming up; that gives them an excuse to add arms.
    Then, it’s back in his court. If the suspension holds up, it’s a weapon Cubs management has at their disposal.
    How long will it take a good Cubs lawyer to read that contract?

    • Larry Horse's Arse

      Crane Kenney is reading it right now…oh, wait a minute, you said “good”.

      • SPAULDING!

        Good one, L.H.A.

        “what does ‘signee’ mean?”
        “Where do I find ‘perpetuity?'”

      • Larry Horse's Arse

        Wait a minute…isn’t there a rule against that?
        Better check my MLB/MLBPA c.b.a.

  • Billb

    Bernstein, as usual, has nothing of any value at all to say. It’s hard to believe that someone who has accomplished nothing and TALKS for a living could presume to sit in judgement of anyone.

    • LouDog

      Hey Billb 95% of the people leaving comments agree with Dan and the other 5% (like you) are just Cub drunk stupid!! It does not matter weather Dan has played proffesional sports his whole life or is a beer and pizza league guy. Everyone knows that you never walk away from your team, even if you are having a bad day. I always liked some of Z antics, but to pick-up your bat and ball and go home is just childish!! And kudos to Soriano for telling that fat croh grabbing d-bag to grow-up!! So Billb just because you dont like Dan, don’t hate the the TRUTH!!

      • Spoon

        Stupid people, deserve to be called stupid.

      • Murphfan1138

        I don’t like Bernstein and others who like making fun of callers who dare to disagree with them or say anything they don’t want to hear, but there are times when I do agree with what they say. I just don’t like the way they say it sometimes is all.

        And don’t be surprised if the Cubs bring him back. They were dumb enough to try to turn him into a reliever early last season after all…

    • Paul Edinger's Chess Set

      Well Dan has accomplished to TALK and give his opinions for money. You’ve managed to find the URL to this blog and post a comment for free. You want to weigh the two accomplishments?

      Oh and absolute spot on article. As a St. Louis fan I hope the Cubs can get their sh!at together, it makes for more fun rivalry games.

    • Spoon

      It’s his job to sit and talk and give his opinion, you dope.

    • Larry Horse's water trough

      Billb….Don’t you have a hard time breathing with your head stuffed up your arse? Don’t defend Zambrano. The guy is completely insane. Just deal with it, moron.

  • Gino Savarino

    I rarely agree with Bernstein. As a Cub fan, he was right on!

    • Bronzo

      I also agree with Bernsey on this… and I’m a Cub hater!!


    The Cubs are coming out of hibernation!!!

  • Billb

    Here’s LouDOG, with another brilliant comment. Two things DOG – try reading and learn to spell. Your ignorance is showing.

    • Spoon

      Yet his comments were a whole lot less ignorant than yours, kooky…

  • meesohawnee

    good one bernstein!! but what troubles me is if he were 15-1 how things would have been handled. Seems as a society we can turn the other way when people provide what we want. If not. bye..

  • Larry

    Finally, a good article by Danny. The only problem is that it should have been written two years ago when Z was already done in Chicago.

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