Bernstein: Welcome Back To Bears Football
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By Dan Bernstein-
CBSChicago.com Senior Columnist
(CBS) I don’t do predictions. Don’t really see the point.
Games are played, outcomes occur, and we talk about them. Most anything anyone said about what they expected is soon forgotten, since what actually happened is more important. Duh.
But football is here, and I’m excited about it. And I’m allowed to break my own rules whenever I want.
Baseball’s leisurely, winding river-trip is over, for us. Time to recalibrate our sports senses for autumn’s rhythm, one that mirrors the on-field action of the game itself – rigid preparation, explosive, seismic impact. Recover and repeat next week.
As we focus once again on the sheer joy of watching huge men clobber each other until their brains leak out, I’m picturing the next four months for the Bears, and here’s what’s in store:
— The new rule that allows most kickoffs to be boomed deep into the end zone will result in Devin Hester bringing the ball out when he shouldn’t. On at least one such poor decision, he’ll rip off a 107-yard return for a touchdown, rendering the very term “poor decision” utterly meaningless.
— In another display of his adorable naiveté, Hester will use Twitter to ask: “Why y’all hatin’ on the European Central Bank’s efforts to manage crippling, sovereign debt?”
— Roy Williams will catch an eight-yard slant on 3rd-and-4, leap to his feet and exaggeratedly pantomime the referee’s first-down signal. Problem is, the Bears trail by 13 in the fourth quarter, and he’s totally unaware that not a single fan, coach, opponent or teammate likes it when he does this.
— The injury-report shenanigans will continue, with a knee-ligament tear called a “bruise,” a punctured aorta termed “minor cramping” and a concussion listed as “Kafkaesque alienation.”
— The magical intangibles and locker-room leadership of Olin Kreutz will not really be missed, nor will we hear the lament “Damn, if only they still had Greg Olsen.”
— At least one game will hinge on an obscure rule that we never knew existed, and nobody on the broadcast understands until a wonkish former official explains it to everybody from a studio in New York. And then we’re still not quite sure what the rule is, why it’s there, or if the call was made correctly.
— Kicker Robbie Gould will answer a reporter’s question, and not a single word will be interesting or memorable. Everyone within a 10-foot radius will lapse into a coma, to be reawakened only by a goofy non-sequitur from Anthony Adams.
— Play-by-play man Dick Stockton will introduce us to three new Bears: “Dave Sockenbanzer,” “Gabe Carmino,” and “Oyoke Amoeba.”
— An inebriated halfwit will respond to a bad loss by calling the Doug & OB postgame show to express what he believes is an entirely original thought: “With all this talk about Lovie, Jerry Angelo deserves some blame in this, too.”
— All of Chicago will be entertained throughout the season by an electrifying storyline, keeping them riveted, seeking out every last bit of information. Phone lines will burn, and papers will fly off newsstands, as we await the latest update on… sod.
— After the coaches’ review of game film, Brian Urlacher will be credited with 12,644 tackles. Many of them will be added, oddly, after reviewing film from Bears’ seasons between 1937 and 1962.
Mark my words.
Happy football season.
Dan Bernstein has been the co-host of “Boers and Bernstein” since 1999. He joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995. The Boers and Bernstein Show airs every weekday from 1PM to 6PM on The Score, 670AM. Read more of Bernstein’s blogs here. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein.
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