Bernstein: Welcome Back To Bears Football

By Dan Bernstein- Senior Columnist

(CBS) I don’t do predictions. Don’t really see the point.

Games are played, outcomes occur, and we talk about them. Most anything anyone said about what they expected is soon forgotten, since what actually happened is more important. Duh.

But football is here, and I’m excited about it. And I’m allowed to break my own rules whenever I want.

Baseball’s leisurely, winding river-trip is over, for us. Time to recalibrate our sports senses for autumn’s rhythm, one that mirrors the on-field action of the game itself – rigid preparation, explosive, seismic impact. Recover and repeat next week.

As we focus once again on the sheer joy of watching huge men clobber each other until their brains leak out, I’m picturing the next four months for the Bears, and here’s what’s in store:

— The new rule that allows most kickoffs to be boomed deep into the end zone will result in Devin Hester bringing the ball out when he shouldn’t. On at least one such poor decision, he’ll rip off a 107-yard return for a touchdown, rendering the very term “poor decision” utterly meaningless.

— In another display of his adorable naiveté, Hester will use Twitter to ask: “Why y’all hatin’ on the European Central Bank’s efforts to manage crippling, sovereign debt?”

— Roy Williams will catch an eight-yard slant on 3rd-and-4, leap to his feet and exaggeratedly pantomime the referee’s first-down signal. Problem is, the Bears trail by 13 in the fourth quarter, and he’s totally unaware that not a single fan, coach, opponent or teammate likes it when he does this.

— The injury-report shenanigans will continue, with a knee-ligament tear called a “bruise,” a punctured aorta termed “minor cramping” and a concussion listed as “Kafkaesque alienation.”

— The magical intangibles and locker-room leadership of Olin Kreutz will not really be missed, nor will we hear the lament “Damn, if only they still had Greg Olsen.”

— At least one game will hinge on an obscure rule that we never knew existed, and nobody on the broadcast understands until a wonkish former official explains it to everybody from a studio in New York. And then we’re still not quite sure what the rule is, why it’s there, or if the call was made correctly.

— Kicker Robbie Gould will answer a reporter’s question, and not a single word will be interesting or memorable. Everyone within a 10-foot radius will lapse into a coma, to be reawakened only by a goofy non-sequitur from Anthony Adams.

— Play-by-play man Dick Stockton will introduce us to three new Bears: “Dave Sockenbanzer,” “Gabe Carmino,” and “Oyoke Amoeba.”

— An inebriated halfwit will respond to a bad loss by calling the Doug & OB postgame show to express what he believes is an entirely original thought: “With all this talk about Lovie, Jerry Angelo deserves some blame in this, too.”

— All of Chicago will be entertained throughout the season by an electrifying storyline, keeping them riveted, seeking out every last bit of information. Phone lines will burn, and papers will fly off newsstands, as we await the latest update on… sod.

— After the coaches’ review of game film, Brian Urlacher will be credited with 12,644 tackles. Many of them will be added, oddly, after reviewing film from Bears’ seasons between 1937 and 1962.

Mark my words.

Happy football season.

bernstein 90x130 Bernstein: Welcome Back To Bears Football
Dan Bernstein has been the co-host of “Boers and Bernstein” since 1999. He joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995. The Boers and Bernstein Show airs every weekday from 1PM to 6PM on The Score, 670AM. Read more of Bernstein’s blogs here. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein.
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More from Dan Bernstein
  • Larry Horse's Arse

    I think it is going to be a tough season.

    • Denver Deadite

      I think you’re right.

      Thankfully, I’m not into drinking games, because some of the above would leave us drowning in our own drunken vomit.

  • Touch It

    Yeah alright, but how does this affect Michigan Representative Thaddeus McCotter’s chances of being nominated by the Republican party?

    • The crotch pheasant

      Maybe Mike North knows.

  • DSatan

    This marks probably the 1,000th time that Dan has subtly managed to sneak in an ominous comment about players’ brain matter during a commentary that is supposedly expressing his enthusiasm as a fan of the sport.

    Ever see the Debbie Downer skits on SNL? That’s Bernstein whenever he feels himself getting pumped for an eventful football weekend.

  • B. Dub

    –Some Wednesday in October, a broadcast will be interrupted by Zach in a Murrow-on-the-Rooftop tone, reporting that Fatess X didn’t practice and he’s “efforting” a comment from X’s line coach. The Mommy-I-Want-To-Be-On-ESPN subtext will make even the most shameless pretender wince.

  • The Trickler

    I’ve become a “deaf” Scorehead. But I still wonder if TB enjoyed the Met-Marlin pitching matchup Wednesday.


    “Look at Jay Cutler’s body language–it doesn’t know how to lead!”

    Dan, and L.H.A. are right. The Packers just seem to do more things right than the Bears. And, the Bears may have more talented players (just not A.R.)
    And I have no interest in the Wembeley affair. I turn it on and hear one vuvuzela, I’m out.

    • PackerBacker

      Forgive me for being an ignorant cheesehead, but who exactly are the “more talented players” on the Bears? I’ll give you Julius Peppers and Devin Hester (as a return man, NOT a wide receiver). But beyond that…. I’m coming up with nothing in comparison to the Packers. You put Aaron Rodgers in with the rest of the Bears lineup and you’re still going nowhere.


    Is it possible that Manning’s backup will be able to run that offense for a while?

    I don’t think it is.

  • Larry Horse's Arse

    Totally agree with you Spaulding!
    The entire Colts offense is keyed to Manning’s reads/audibles and quick decisions/ quick release. They will look sub-par without him. And their D was “good” because they weren’t on the field as much as other teams because the O was chewing clock.

  • mike in davenport

    Do NOT underestimate the disastrous effects of Kafkaesque alienation. We’ll be studying its long-term effects for the next two generations before we understand all of the risks.


    what about ennui?
    Good stuff L.H.A. and Mike i.d.

  • Brandon



    Bernstein column.


  • Bearsfan4071

    If last night is any indication, the Bears won’t miss Kreutz much

  • bobstone

    Kicker Robbie Gould will answer a reporter’s question, and not a single word will be interesting or memorable.

    Kinda like a Bernstein column or show.

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