Bernstein: Colour It A Win

By Dan Bernstein- Senior Columnist

(CBS) Some offence, and just enough defence.

Despite making us kick our heels a bit, the Bears win, even if not by a long chalk. In fact, it appeared for a time that they might do a Devon Loch.

Though a loss to the Bucs would have fluttered the dovecoats, the message sent from London was plain as a pikestaff: keep your wig on, and your chin up. 24-18.

The game itself was a bit of a curate’s egg, — often dull as ditchwater — but belabouring that point would be carrying coals to Newcastle.

The right royal outcome means a 4-3 record, and hope still alive. Had it gone black as Newgate’s knocker, any playoff possibilities would have had a spanner thrown in the works, approaching a sticky end (as the actress said to the bishop).

More Coverage:
Forte, Bears Beat Bucs 24-18
Bernstein: Colour It A Win
Shepkowski: The Good, Bad and Ugly of Bears-Bucs 

Matt Forte may indeed be quids in, his yeoman’s service making the man on the Clapham omnibus wonder if GM Jerry Angelo is willing to spoil the ship for a ha’pworth of tar, or if, to him, Forte’s production is like giving a donkey strawberries. As long as he’s in rude health, his production is on the cards.

Last week Jay Cutler was like a bear with a sore head when dealing with Mike Martz, with the two involved in Chinese whispers over playcalling. Cutler has more front than Brighton, and his feelings were audibly clear that he’d prefer to send Martz to Coventry.

After two good games on the trot, though, Cutler was a damp squib. He could still be at the end of his tether with his coordinator, who went pear-shaped near the end of the game. Martz believes what he believes, and is no Vicar of Bray. He will not stop trying to get a quart into a pint pot, ignoring the belt-and-braces approach – keen as mustard for the full Monty, instead of grasping the nettle. He’s a queer fish.

Devin Hester, too, was on the blink, seeming to lose his bottle on returns. His decision-making is thick as mince. He can score in a tick, but too many runbacks continue to go Heath Robinson.

Luckily the same was true of Aqib Talib, who is daft as a brush. His late banana skin of a penalty kept the Bears from going down like a lead balloon. This was yet another game of tears before bedtime that Bears fans know all too well.

The barrack-room lawyers will go off on one, getting out of their prams to make a song and dance, throwing wobblers over a victory that was well short of being the dog’s bollocks. Injuries meant hard cheese for Tampa Bay, they’ll whinge.

But Lovie Smith’s business-trip strategy (no beer and skittles) was sound as a pound, as the Bears’ Dunkirk spirit kept the season from going for a burton. Things may not be fine and dandy, but they haven’t gone up the spout.

To not understand that, you’d have to be an idiom.

bernstein 90x130 Bernstein: Colour It A WinDan Bernstein has been the co-host of “Boers and Bernstein” since 1999. He joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995. The Boers and Bernstein Show airs every weekday from 1PM to 6PM on The Score, 670AM. Read more of Bernstein’s columns here. Follow him on Twitter @dan_bernstein.
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More from Dan Bernstein
  • Sam Tyler


    • Cameltoe Rancher

      I think that he meant “Pube”

  • Harold Shand

    4 and 3. Mustn’t grumble.

  • Eric Jobe

    I see what ya did there.

    • Chris in Scottsdale

      “Ye” did there… “Ye”. :)

  • Dave

    wow i was laughing out loud a ton at this article. Good job, chap

  • Lil' Bycracke

    Sirgay write this? Sounds like it.

  • Harry "Snapper" Organs

    What’s all this then? That spotty Boers stole me shepherd’s pie!

  • Eric Gorecki

    Oh, I see you own the English-English Dictionary too…and “Bleak House”.

  • Larry Horse's Arse

    Victory Monday…atsa good way to start the work week!


    It made me giggle,
    me china.

    I didn’t watch all that much of this one, but I heard two of the touchdowns on the radio (which, also meant I heard the zebra show that bore a resemblance to the Flameout in Ford City).
    the “personal foul” call in the fourth looked more like “unsportsmanlike,” but same results. A team that wants to keep winning can’t do that.

  • Bill Shakespeare

    Cutler’s a passer; Martz is a tosser.

  • DaBUU

    At first I wasnt sure what Dan was going for, then halfway through i started reading the article in a British accent. Well done ‘ole chap!

  • Denver Deadite

    Colour… haha… oh boy.

    Which website did Bernsie run this through to get this? Good stuff, but I find it hard to believe he wrote all of it himself. :)

    I actually missed the game. Did I even miss anything? Well, check that: I flipped over just long enough to catch Culter’s 2nd INT. Blah.

    I wanted to watch the replay of the Rugby World Cup Final without knowing the result (with fear that Fox, for giggles, would spoil it). But the blood wankers that is NBC didn’t air the match until 1pm.

    But, it sounds like the Bears – like the All Blacks – played just well enough early on and then hung on for the win. Unlike the Bears, the All Blacks had something to actually celebrate afterward. ;)

  • Jaimie in Hoffman Estates

    Great, win, great article Bernsy, did your g@y write it? I see we have shyed away from the max-protect, and we have been screening like theres no tomorrow. Why dont we get this over with and make this a great bye week, and just as are old pal George Offman would say “give Mike Martz, his walking pappers, walking!?”


      Roy Williams, saved Cutler’s bacon with a real big-boy receiver aligator clamp on a wily throw. And, he didn’t quit on the ball.

      I’ve also come this morning to bury the Colts, not to praise them. The semi real NFL game happened at noon (7:00 p.m. Grinwich mean time).

      At one point, I think Drew Brees was throwing from his arm chair. Maybe, they replaced the Colts Gatorade with Nyquil.
      #1 in my yahoo pick ’em.

      • Thomas Paine

        Flexible TV scheduling should begin in Week Two. Sunday and Monday nights are too often Disappointment Television (unless you were a NO-14 or over 49 early-bedtimer last night). Let’s see who’s emerging from The NFL Blob before a-foisting Miami, Jacksonville or the eviscerated Colts. Please?

  • Ry

    Dis is America, Bernstine. Start speakin’ our language, or get da hell out!!!! Bears….Ditka……Sausage…….

  • Nasty French Person

    You call THAT football. I punt in your general direction.

  • bobstone

    Wow Bernstein. Aren’t you clever.

  • Casper

    ZZZZZZ…….. Proud little chap. Sorry to be so cynical, but no wonder we’re seen as provincial shlubs.


    I agree with Hub Arkush: pay Forte and spread some goodwill among the players both in the locker room and future free agents who see that the Bears “takes care of their guys.”

  • mos funnel

    hardest thing i have ever read. please don’t do that next time

  • Cameltoe Rancher

    Bersie- did you accidentally drink Mike Mullingham’s morning tea? I can stand him yelling at me every morning, but the over-the-top “yeah, in case you forgot, I have relatives from the British Isles and I can’t let your bloody-mother-of-arse ever forget it” pejoratives just make me wanna wretch!

    I hope that you were making fun of his too-screamy arse, as he just sucks.
    Most Sincerely,
    Sir Camel Toe of the Ranch

  • Dan's EGO

    oh boy…look at me…aren’t I clever!…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • Peter (in Rogers Park)

    Can’t wait until the Bears play in China, or even Texas for that matter, now that this precedent has been set.

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