“New Year’s Eve”
By MICHAEL WALTERS
New Year’s Eve is about as excruciating as pouring cheap champagne on an open wound. It seems aimed at people who thought the similarly star-stuffed “Valentine’s Day” was a little too deep and hard to follow.
While “New Year’s Eve” is a slightly more believable excuse for Holiday get-togethers, the film seems to abandon the need for even one dominant storyline by having almost no plot at all. It follows the same structure by tying a lot of unrelated little subplots together by the holiday New Year’s Eve.
The film includes a disaster movie quality cavalcade of stars including Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Hillary Swank, Josh Duhamel, Jon Bon Jovi, Robert DeNiro, Halle Berry, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jessica Beil and Michelle Pfeiffer among others. But it would be nice if even one of them had some kind of character to work with.
But there’s no narrative structure, simply a collection of bland unrelated vignettes that can’t sustain 5 seconds of screen time much less 5 minutes. It devolves into simply a game of spot the star over and over and over again. Hey there, the dying guy is played by Robert DeNiro! Oh look, the annoying control freak is played by Katherine Heigl. The bar for a decent storyline is apparently so low, poor Ashton Kutcher literally gets stuck in an elevator and that somehow qualifies.
The witless screenplay is such an ungainly mess I think monkeys on a typewriter could do better than this. And it stretches on for a nearly interminable 117 minutes. Nothing works, the actors have nothing to do, and audiences unfortunate enough to find themselves in a theater playing this monstrosity will quickly find there’s absolutely nothing to see.