Bernstein: A 20th-Anniversary Letter To The Listener

By Dan Bernstein- Senior Columnist

(CBS) Thanks, dumbass.

No, seriously. Thanks.

You know me well enough to understand that I’m not exactly the sentimental type, so indulge me while I take my turn in acknowledging the 20th anniversary of WSCR Radio, promising that I won’t pander. I’ll leave the obsequiousness to others.

The absurdist nihilism of Boers and Bernstein is in its thirteenth year. We are the city’s longest-ever-running “sports” talk show, and one of the longest-running shows of any kind. And we know we couldn’t do it without you, the mouth-breathing idiot.

Our peculiar brand of radio sadomasochism requires victims, and the athletes and coaches can only supply so much fodder. We abuse each other within the studio, too, of course, but that’s not as entertaining as when you call in, Mr. Guy Who Thinks Some Awful Cubs Minor-leaguer is Good, and you, Guy Who Doesn’t Know He’s on the Air.

Thanks for every insistence that “nobody’s mentioned Angelo!” and every convoluted conspiracy theory that explains a game’s outcome by describing a nefarious cabal of referees, league officials, FOX-TV, the Elders of Zion, Quebecois Separatists, the cast of “Saved by the Bell” and Hillary Clinton.

Thanks, Angry White Hockey Fan. We would be adrift without you clamoring for more hockey talk, and then insisting we stop immediately, due to our utter lack of understanding of your dear game. And while I may not appreciate every nuance of the ancient Canadian code of punching people to rack up invisible points on an imaginary scoreboard, that’s only because I’m gay. Or so you always remind me.

We love you, Bears Meatball. Thanks for always being there for us. You wait on hold for an hour, only for the chance to say “I’ve been a season-ticket holder since 1956, and I think they need to use more fake punts.” You don’t like Lovie Smith because he doesn’t yell and scream, speaks with a drawl, and isn’t Mike Ditka. You want the Bears to run more, you think the McCaskeys are cheap, you refuse to believe Brian Urlacher could possibly be better than Dick Butkus, and you have a regrettable mustache.

We can’t forget you, the Cubs/Sox fan who can only define his team and his fandom in some relation to the other. The fact that the teams are entirely separate franchises in different leagues never impedes your dogged efforts to bring your insipid, workplace bickering to us all.

Oh, and you, the completely uninformed NBA caller, who got caught up in the party of the Jordan era, but never bothered to learn even the simplest thing about the sport. Somebody has to compare Tyrus Thomas to James Worthy, and insist that giving up Joakim Noah for Dwight Howard is a terrible idea, so thanks for having that covered.

And a big note of appreciation to you, the genuinely crazy person with a phone. We can always count on you to tell us about your horrible physical ailments, how the liberals are taking away your freedoms, and how whatever that guy just did to get thrown in jail is actually something you do all the time. We can’t quit you.

Now that the show has branched into this column, I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank you for consuming it, and wasting your workday in petty comment battles that lead nowhere. Thanks to you included in the subsets already listed, and those in special, new categories.

Thanks for being the reader who gets angry merely about the subject of the column, let alone the opinion expressed. I’m not sure what the point of that is, but it’s gratifying to get such an easy reaction. Thanks for sending me tweets that say you read what I wrote and I suck. All that matters is that you read it, and that’s nice to know.

So The Score moves into its third decade, and the Boers and Bernstein show smolders forward, tilting at windmills. Here’s to many more years of whatever this is that we’re doing together. Know that you are a big, important part of it.

So, thanks.


bernstein 90x130 Bernstein: A 20th Anniversary Letter To The Listener
Dan Bernstein joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995, and has been the co-host of ‚ÄúBoers and Bernstein‚Äù since 1999. Read more of Bernstein’s columns, or follow him on Twitter: @dan_bernstein.

The Boers and Bernstein Show airs every weekday from 1PM to 6PM on The Score, 670AM (or you can listen online).
Listen to The Boers and Bernstein Show podcasts »

More from Dan Bernstein
  • Steve in Burbank

    Right back at you Dan, which is why I am savoring a Tebow victory tonight, knowing it makes your head explode.

  • dave

    Absolutely fantastic!

  • Oh Yeah?

    A friend of a friend’s cousin told me that Saved By The Bell cast was UNCONSCIOUS when it came to picking over/unders. That doesn’t just happen. Who’s batshot now?

  • SoccerLimey

    I see you still have “da fier, da swaagger, and da paashun” , Bernstein.

  • Dan

    And to think that all of this would never have come to fruition had that elusive national opportunity ever came calling…

  • CubsFanSinceSixtyTree

    I still have no idea why no one’s mentioned Angelo. Your gay! Talk more hackey!

  • Shannon

    You left me out.
    Guy who whose thunder was stolen by dat last guy but repeats said “thunder” verbatim anywayz.

    • Shannon

      meant only “whose”…”who” was left in by mistake. We here at Trimble Int’l regret the error.

  • Shannon

    What about me?
    Guy Who Thinks So & So is under/over-rated by no-one in particular.

  • brian

    Talk more hockey ya gay. Quit letting the flat brim talk. Haha love the show!

  • OscarW

    “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.”

    • Lil' Bycracke

      wit = twit = Bern-stein!

  • Roger

    You are still a jag…keep it coming

  • metal

    I think that the Bears should run more shotgun. Wait… shotgun is a play right. I’ll stop typing and listen for my answer.

  • Millionaire Man

    DB – Go away. No one likes you and fewer even listen to or care about you. Happy trails.

    • Denver Deadite


    • Jess from Albany Park


  • Wha Happen?

    Love the show and having Tebow winning today will only make it better. Cannot wait to hear Terry’s illogical stammering all week.

    • BearsFan401138

      The excuses for the Steelers losing to Tebow have already begun.

  • kaiser

    thanks Dan. Keep up the good work. The humor and unique insight that you, TB, JG, and Matty offer up each day is a treat.

  • BearsFan401138

    Same to you as well Moron Bernstein. And while most hockey fans are white, it doesn’t automatically mean they’re racist as well. A distinction you need to remember.

  • Lil' Bycracke

    Stop talking hockey! Talk more PSU child rape and wishing JoPa was dead!

    Your still gay!

  • eddieisu


  • Curt Motisi

    Whatever it is that we are doing indeed! When I leave the job, I cannot wait to get to the car, turn on the radio, and see what insanity awaits me. I hope it continues for a long time to come.


    “I’m an old man! I hate everything except Matlock–
    oh look, it’s on now!”

    In overtime, the referees explained that both teams would get possession of the ball. . .I’m just saying. . . .
    why isn’t anyone talking about O-line? I thought Cashner reminded me of Koufax–how could the Cubs get rid of him?

    Nice one, Dan. Thanks everyone and here’s to twenty more!

    TEBOW! (are you $^!77!%@ me?)



  • Tom Susala

    Personally, I don’t give a flying bleep about any organized OR disorganized sport, but I listen to you and Terry because you understand that sports is just show biz on steroids – sometimes literally, mostly figuratively. I don’t care if Michael Jordan gets hit by a bus or if Tim Tebow get a kick in the nut sack after the second coming….But, I DO appreciate entertaining radio that utilizes a finely meshed BS filter with rapier-like wit and superb comedic timing…Your show is the best on the air, keep up the great work!!

  • Leigh

    Hope you choked watching Denver win today.

    • Jess from Albany Park

      Wishing someone to be hurt is the CHRISTIAN thing to do!

    • Denver Deadite

      Some day, somebody’s going to catch Tebow tebowing while choking on something…

      • Lil' Bycracke

        …or be face down on a man.

  • Tim in Joliet

    No, Dan, it’s that you own gay not that you are gay.

  • Tim in Joliet

    Also, “regrettable mustache” BY CRACKY!

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