Baffoe: A Response To Bernstein's Letter To Listeners

(Editor's Note: The following is a satirical letter written in response to Dan Bernstein's message to listeners, which can be found here.)

(CBS) Dear BERNSTINE,

How are you and Happy New Year.

Nice letter, BernSTINE. I see all these years a being a toolbox at a SPORTS radio station haven't made you LESS stupider. I'm not reading your crap again, just so you know.

I waited on hold for three hours to tell you this to your ugly face and hung up because your phone answering guy sucks so I wrote this letter instead and sent a copy to Mitch Rosen and your bosses in NEW YORK.

Here is how to fix your show which sucks and has for 13 years.

I been following the Bears/Bulls/Hawks/Sox/Cubs/Sting/Bliss since 19 and 43, so I feel that I am far more qualified to talk Chicago sports regardless if the times and technology have changed them almost completely from the days of Butkus and Dave Corzine.

Please talk about why nobody's talking about why Epstine only won two World Series in Boston and wouldn't have one won if he didn't have the guy with all the crap coming out of his head. The guy who peed inside the outfield wall. Gonzalez, I think. The Cubs need to sign him.

Stop talking about basketball. Nobody likes it unless their a criminal. I heard the guy who works on your show talking about it after your show on the night show the other day. I didn't go to college, but Derek Rose's a phony who didn't take his own SAT and is in a gang. Laurence Goff is stupid too.

And all of a sudden you like hockey now because the Hawks are good. You didn't go to games when nobody else was going, so your not a real fan. And now people like you are taking all the tickets and the real fans can't go, and I might not even watch the Hawks anymore because you people have ruined it.

Where the hell is Julie Swika? And what is she wearing right now?

You're show was better with Piersall. He is not a sabermagician like you and talks about the game the way it should be talked of. Not like Kenny Williams whose an idiot and I can't understand how he's not fired two years ago.

Yes, I've been drinking, but so what. That's not against the law.

Can you here me?

They need a guy like DeRosa. Why was he traded? He played the game the right way and isn't pre-Madonna. And I pay these player's salaries when I buy a ticket. These owners don't even care about the real fans anymore because there making ticket prices so high that I won't even buy a ticket. I don't even want to see Soriano not hustle anyway for $100. And that's without parking!

How dare you tell me I can't be obsequiousness. I can't control it if I have a bowel issue. You use big words to try to sound smarter than people and win arguments. Of course you'll win an argument if all you do is prove people wrong. Idiot.

And that reminds me that if I call to ask you advice about getting surgery or who I should vote for for the Hall of Fame, give me the DAMN advice. I pay your salary and will talk about what I want. The customer is always right.

I don't want to hear you talk politics because you and your station have an agenda. Sports—talk about them and not Obama who is making us Socialites.

I don't care about your wife or kids, which we know is a lie anyway.

FIX THE STREAM ON THE INTERNET NOW. It is literally driving me nuts.

And the website writers suck like you. That Baffman guy looks like one of his parents is a Cheeto and he got hit in the face with a bus. Fire him and them since you run the station.

Am I on?

Who are the Bears gonna hire and what will the Sox record be this year? You are supposed to know this because that's your job. If you don't know, stop being on the radio pretending to no sports.

You got rid of High Noon because you like to make people angry. I know this, and that's why your show is always low in ratings and prolly won't be on in two years. My cousin is in the business and says so. Pack your bags and happy trails.

Hate on the shotgun all you want but it works and you know it and Podsednik would be better. I know because I played semipro sports and used to coach kids before the restraining orders from parents like you.

Concussions are for wussies. Why is it all of a sudden there's all the concussions and there never were when I was growing up? Parents like you are doing this because of your agenda. You didn't even play sports and think that you know all about it? That's because your stupid and prolly dodged the draft like Bores who should of stuck to his terrible writing career.

And I talked to you a few months ago when you were at that one bar you were broadcasting from. Remember that? Yeah, are you ready to admit I was right and your wrong about that thing we talked about before you hid behind your producer/bodyguard? Your not a man.

You still there?

AND IF I SEE YOU AGAIN WE'LL SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN. Tell the Ranger that too.

And most of all, I don't care what the hell you think because I don't even listen to your show anyway except by accident.

Happy Annaversery to the SCORE,

Tim in Mt. Greenwood

Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America's youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim's inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don't follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago's Beverly To read more of Tim's blogs click here.