Ten Foot Mailbag: Frankfurters, Deutsche Banks And Hitler Calls The Birthday Lin
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By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Today’s date is 4/20. For mature people that date means nothing more than it’s Friday, and we’ve survived another week that has taken years off of our lives. For wastes of organs, the date means some unofficial, lame celebration of marijuana, as though its proponents “celebrate” any less on other days.
We get it. You smoke pot. Congrats. The Man is keeping you down, and putting 4/20 jokes on your Facebook page totally sticks it to him and beats the system. Bravo.
This is your day to really push the legalization cause… from your couch. If you hippies put as much effort into actually doing as you do whining you’d have probably found a way for weed to cure cancer instead of just being a cause of Funyuns overdoses.
On to your questions. All emails and tweets are unedited.
#TFMB why did you pick Nathan’s over Fat Johnnie’s, Superdawg, Portillo’s, and even Gene and Jude’s?—@kevjach
That question would be in reference to this. Well, logistically I didn’t choose any of those places you named because at 11pm they were all closed.
More importantly, I was so violently angry at the day in Chicago sports Thursday night—losses by all four teams that played—that I exacted revenge in the best way I knew how. New York hot dogs. I turned my back on Vienna Beef. Cardinal sin, I know. And I didn’t feel any better afterward.
I’m sorry, Chicago dogs. I love you, and I’ll never walk away from you again. If I’m going to die of colorectal cancer, I want it to be local beef that does me in. Come back to daddy.
In actuality, the Nathan’s dogs were on sale at the grocery store the other day. They’re actually quite good for store-bought nitrite.
Since Skip Bayless lied about his hs ball career, would he be in you list of top 5 biggest dbags ever? If so, who is in it?—@Jake_BroDea
Bayless is an actor. His whole bit and that whole show are scripted, and there is little to nothing genuine about it. The drill goes “Here’s a topic, whoever is hosting with Skip pretends to take the rational stance, then Skip takes a wacky and controversial stance that he doesn’t actually believe such as ‘Tim Tebow is good at football’ or ‘The Lakers might be better without Kobe’ or ‘prison rape builds character,’ people get outraged and blow up social media lambasting Skip, and the show gets free advertising and morons continue to watch the show solely for the purpose of getting angry.”
But I resist, with great difficulty, the urge to hate Bayless because he’s found a way to make lots of money by doing nothing more than create public hatred of himself. You almost begrudgingly have to respect that. Jay Mariotti did it when he wrote in this town, too. He figured out that there is an incredibly large idiotic segment of the populace that will consume certain media just because they enjoy getting angry, as though feeling anger is better than no feeling at all in their monotonous, soul-crushing lives. What adult Chicagoan can’t say that at least a dozen times in their life they have heard someone say, “Did you read that [petting zoo defiler] Mariotti today?”
So Bayless doesn’t make my Top 5 DBag List. I don’t think I can even narrow that list down to just five anyway. Mostly because there are so many shades of deutsche bank. I mean, Ryan Seacrest might make the Mt. Rushmore of bags, but he is a completely different bag than, say, Adolf Hitler. That’s the other big 4/20 meme—Hitler’s birthday. I’m disappointed Hitler never got to call the late, great WGCI Birthday Line. If the most sinister dictator in history had a little more birthday love, perhaps we wouldn’t even know his name today.
“Who dis on the birthday line?”
“Der Fuhrer, Der Fuhrer!”
“And Fuhrer, what’s your Zodiac sign?”
“It’s Taurus, Taurus!”
“And is today your birthday?”
“Ja, it is! You know it is!”
“And how old are you on this day?”
“Go Hitler, it’s ya birthday, go Hitler, it’s ya birthday? Where you from?”
“Where you from?”
“Bad Boys gotta say bye bye! Happy Birthday from WGCI. And beware of the Zionist conspiracy!”
That would make a sociopathic autocrat think really hard about genocide and world domination, I’m sure. He at least would not be as big of a dbag as this guy.
Back to deutsche bank confusion. Are the Kardashians one dbag as a whole or separate bags? What about dbags whose work I enjoy like Kanye (and does he now fall into the possible MegaKardashiabag)?
There needs to be a dbag science of some sort to help me out, because right now the term is so subjective that at times I don’t even know if someone falls into it’s the category. Is it a genus or species? Are there specific subsets of baggery? Until I have a set guideline for categorization, I don’t have a list.
#TFMB when are you gonna follow me?—@Bs_and_Garretts
Don’t. Just don’t.
I find few things more pathetic than people on Twitter asking to be followed or retweeted. I’m flattered that you think I’m special enough to enhance your cred by following you on a social media site, but really, what does that get you?
Here’s the type of people I follow on Twitter: those who inform me, who entertain me, or whom I consider a personal friend. That’s it.
If you are a worthwhile follow, I’ll find you, trust me. But requesting a follow has the opposite effect. You could tweet some of the funniest stuff known to man for a week straight, and if you asked me to follow you, I still wouldn’t just out of spite.
Earn your followers. Be great in some way. Don’t be some groveling twit who gets some temporary endorphin buzz by having Stacey King cave into your “You’re my fav anounser evar! Can I get a RT????????????”
Real, lasting satisfaction comes in having important people like hip hop icon Chuck D, Terry Boers’ son, and an account that tweets Prince lyrics follow you because you genuinely merit it. Asking for it just makes you… a dbag.
Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you’re a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.
Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to email@example.com or tweet them with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.