Finfer: Presenting Chicago’s All-$#*tty Team
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By Ben Finfer-
(CBS) The rumors began swirling late last week and continued through the weekend. It can now be confirmed. The Cubs and White Sox will meet this week at U.S. Cellular Field, according to either team’s website.
Of course in times like these it’s customary to create the all-city team, where both rosters are hypothetically and purposelessly combined to form one “super” lineup. It’s fun conversation when the two squads are thriving. Not so much when one is historically bad and the other is the White Sox. They’re currently sitting in first place, but are hardly a perfect collection.
So forget it. This time it’s not worth the trouble. Instead it seems more appropriate, and fun, to combine both rosters into one embarrassing, pathetic, and disturbing group.
Without further adieu, the 2012 all-$#*tty team:
It truly is too bad Koyie Hill is gone. This was a team made for him. Sometimes destiny has other plans for those who can’t hit major league pitching. So let’s just go with the guy everybody hates…
A.J. Pierzynski, White Sox
Unfortunately both sides are pretty strong at this position. One has a potential Hall-of-Famer, the other has Roy LaHobbs. There is another option, a guy who has played 17 games at first base this year and has a ceiling so low it makes Peter Dinklage duck…
Jeff Baker, Cubs
Another difficult choice, especially with Jeff Baker already at first base. Overall numbers this season suggest it should be Gordon Beckham. On the other hand Darwin Barney has less potential. Tie goes to the guy on the crappier team…
Darwin Barney, Cubs
You could choose the statue of Ron Santo. Or even convert the statue of Carlton Fisk into a third baseman. And neither would be as terrible as the real guys manning the position on either side of town. If one were able to genetically combine Brent Morel, Orlando Hudson, Ian Stewart, and Luis Valbuena into a single being he still wouldn’t hit anything. So let’s go with that guy…
Brenlando Stewbuena, White Sox/Cubs
In a math competition Starlin Castro would be the worst in the city. But it’s baseball…
Alexei Ramirez, White Sox
No all-$#*tty team is going to be legitimately $#*tty without at least one player who is grossly overpaid and gives less than full effort. Hey, what do you know…
Alfonso Soriano, Cubs
Even a team this bad would have to randomly beat the St. Louis Cardinals once in a while. Let’s bring in a specialist…
Joe Mather, Cubs
This is easy, despite the guy only playing four games at the position in 2012. He has a 1.000 career batting average in the month of April and .000 in the all the other months…
Kosuke Fukudome, White Sox
The five are obvious. Let’s pick the staff ace . It’s important to consider a question: who would you start if you absolutely, positively had to lose one game? Paul Maholm can occasionally be trusted. Gavin Floyd and John Danks have struggled this year, but are superior once in a while. Philip Humber would be a good choice. Except he might blow it and throw a perfect game instead. This is a good time to get on the phone with Triple-A…
Chris Volstad, Cubs
There’s always the risk of this guy going on a hot streak. Although these days that basically consists of him throwing back-to-back strikes…
Carlos Marmol, Cubs
Rest of bullpen
While no relief corps is truly complete without Shawn Camp, he’s been too decent this year…
Casey Coleman, Cubs; Will Ohman, White Sox; Randy Wells, Cubs; Hector Santiago, White Sox; and okay fine…Shawn Camp, Cubs
Don Cooper and Kenny Williams, White Sox
There you have it. The 2012 all-$#*tty team. And overall probably still better than the 2012 Cubs.
Ben Finfer is a weekend host and associate producer of The McNeil & Spiegel Show, heard Monday-Friday from 9am-1pm on 670 The Score and 670TheScore.com. Follow him on Twitter at @BenFinfer.