By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Dwight, bubala, how’s things? Silly me, things are probably great for you right now, huh?
I heard your Lakers introductory press conference the other day went very well. You made sure to pretend you are grateful to the city of Orlando and the Magic organization, and you got a chuckle out of everyone by doing a Kobe Bryant impersonation.
Smooth, dude. Very smooth.
I also noticed that you forgave the media for its cruel treatment of you lately. Well, I’m like a quasi-media member, I guess, and I feel bad that neither I nor probably anyone in the media even got the chance to apologize before you forgave us.
So, Dwight Howard, on behalf of vile, dirty scribes and talking heads everywhere, I am sorry.
I’m sorry for criticizing you for being a cancer to a franchise. For going from one of its greatest contributors to its worst liability. For causing the Magic to not only have to deal you, but also regress in the process and set themselves back probably several years. I feel awful about that.
Pointing out that you’re a bad guy for likely taking years off of Stan Van Gundy’s life and giving the front office ultimatums between you and him—wrong of me to do. You toyed with a man’s profession and life and ultimately got a good coach fired because you otherwise were going to take your ball and go home, but my bad.
We media should never assume that you’re using your often outspoken religious views as a Get Out Of Jail Free card when it comes to us being critical of your behavior. Never you mind that this whole “get me the hell out of Orlando now” process has been quite un-Christian of you, sort of like fathering a child out of wedlock, suing the baby mama for petty reasons more than once, and the borderline stalking of a porn star are pretty much against Christian ethos, too. But as long as you keep thanking God and smiling that big bright smile, I can’t stay mad at you.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease, and you are greasy as hell right now. You sure won in all this.
Don’t pay attention to the fact that you did the almost impossible—become more disliked than Lebron James. Just keep smiling and joking, and I’m sure people will come around. I mean, we all know how the rest of the country always ends up sympathizing with all things Los Angeles, right? The Superman shtick should go over well out there—in Hollywood they expect people to pretend to be things they are not.
It’s quite noble of you to likely have pissed away millions in endorsement dollars to get your way. I don’t think I would have the intestinal fortitude to do that. Remember, you’re the winner here.
I’m happy for you, Dwight. And again, so sorry for pointing out the reality that you refuse to acknowledge. Enjoy the smog out there. It’ll probably be an easy adjustment, what with the clouds you have your head in and all.
Let’s do lunch next time out in L.A., babe. Ciao
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.