By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) By now you’ve probably heard that Chris Chelios supposedly recently partook in the burning of a Jay Cutler jersey at Stanley’s Kitchen and Tap.
I have to qualify it as “supposedly” because even though TMZ and several witnesses have confirmed that in the video it is the future hockey hall of famer, Chelios’ face never appears, but rather just his arm and back of his head, and Chelios, being the humble hero he is, has yet to come forward and take credit for this act of valiancy.
Oh, yes, Chris Chelios is a hero. “Supposed” hockey insiders like 670 The Score’s Jay Zawaski will tell you otherwise, but they’re just bitter that Chelios’ awesomeness couldn’t be contained in a Blackhawks sweater that only burned with passion and speech impediments.
Jay Cutler has a pouty face and generally apathetic attitude. This is a serious problem that has been scientifically proven on a computer somewhere probably to cause losses on the field. If history has taught us anything it’s that lighting stuff on fire always produces positive change.
When was the last time you saw a witch walking around? Thank a Puritan. All those American flags that you see angry screamy people in other countries burning? Point and laugh at the Chinese sweatshop worker that made those flags and whose labor was for naught! And Chelios burning the knockoff jersey (authentic ones are too damn expensive to waste) of Chicago’s quarterback will, of course, produce… something. It just has to. Allegedly.
Dude, Cheli went out of his way to get drunk and start a fire indoors. How nobody else is pointing out the fire safety lesson there is beyond me. Lesson learned: only a (former) professional (athlete) should ignite fabrics being held by a comely lass at least 20 years his younger while around and under the influence of alcohol and screaming bros and likely wearing copious amounts of hair products. Chelios also has a lot of arm hair, so the bravery in teaching us this lesson at the risk of singing one of his Jagerbomb pounding instruments should not go underappreciated. Allegedly.
I’d like to see members of the Chicago Teachers Union start giving some real life lessons like that, wouldn’t you? Pound it, Rahminator.
His constant reminder to Blackhawks fans, man, that while he was a great defenseman in Chicago, his hometown, his happiest and most successful days were in Detroit are a fantastic motivational tool to us Chicagoans that if you don’t like the way life has worked out for you here, have the gumption to better your situation in a land of opportunity like Detroit. Especially in a place where they just love absolutely awful chili. And if you do find greener pastures elsewhere be sure to use every opportunity to let people back home know how much better you are than them, even though you’ll still use what waning fame you have back home to party with people younger than your children and thrice as vapid. Allegedly.
Cheli stands up for such things most people who haven’t been hit in the head repeatedly find ludic… ludac… dumb. A fire in him burns for all of you who would rather hide in the shade of “politeness” and “restraint” and “not insinuating that a fan harm a member of an executive’s family.”
I weep for a Cheli vision of the world that will never exist because of schoolmarms who think that 50 year old former professional athletes shouldn’t call current professional athletes female dogs (allegedly) while in a bar setting fire to a piece of clothing the female dog isn’t wearing (allegedly) even after expressing that they don’t appreciate criticism themselves. Or that you should sit your drunk self down and stop ruining the song at the bar because you’re not a rock star, you’re having a midlife crisis.
It’s an icy world a hero like Chris Chelios lives in. Luckily the dude has a sharp set of skates to get around. YOLO as hell.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.