By Dan Bernstein-
CBSChicago.com Senior Columnist
(CBS) Announcer: Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the inaugural Presidential Quarterback Debate, sponsored by Citizens for Better Football. Representing the Complete Jerk Party is Jay Cutler of the Chicago Bears, and representing the Vapid Weirdo Party is Tim Tebow of the New York Jets. Please hold all applause until the conclusion of the event. And now, please welcome our moderator… Jon Gruden.
Gruden: (pounds table repeatedly) HOW GREAT IS THIS?!!! I gotta tell ya, this is what we used to call in Oakland a “Slam Banger!!” TWO of the best in the business, squaring off, mano a mano! Head to head! Going at it! Two competitors! Jay Cutler – gunslinger! Cowboy! He’s a fistful of DOLLARS! He’s like the impossible love-child of Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist! HE BROUGHT ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA!!! And then there’s this guy… Tim Tebow. He’s a 240-pound package of concrete cyanide, this kid! What a gamer, what a winner! Never say die! (air-punches, knocking over the full glass of water in front of him onto cameraman, who mutters obscenities) He makes his teammates better because he…makes…them…BELIEVE!!
Tebow: (grins vacantly, squints at lights)
Cutler: (scratching his neck and looking at his shoes) Can we get this over with, or what?
Gruden: Awright! Let’s do this thing! First question goes to Tim Tebow. (reads from card) If elected president, what steps will you take to help spur growth in the economy? (points at Tebow with finger-guns)
Tebow: Ah… first and foremost, I just want to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ, and thanks for having me here, and um… I’m just so excited to be part of this economy, since it’s so exciting.
Gruden: That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Jay, do you have a response?
Cutler: (rolling his eyes) I don’t know. The economy seems fine to me. I know you guys want to make a big deal out of it and everything, but I can buy pretty much whatever I want. I mean, we just got a big, new house. So I guess it’s fine.
Gruden: Next one’s for you Jay, and it’s not just tough, it’s PLUMB DOG tough — what we used to call in Tampa the old “Flying Alabama Hacksaw!” In the next four years, how will you make sure all Americans have access to quality, affordable health care without increasing the federal deficit?
Cutler: Whatever. (checks phone)
Tebow: Ah… I will, um, pray for people to not be sick, and if they get sick, I will pray for them to not be sick, and they will pray, too, and then they won’t be sick, and it will be so great when nobody is sick and it will be very exciting, and I’m just so happy and excited to be part of it. (smiles)
Gruden: Jay, do you care to respond?
Cutler: (has his back turned, appears to be texting)
Gruden: Here you go, then Tim. This is the kind of question I used to ask in the film room with my wide receivers in Green Bay, we used to call it a “Swinging Frozen-Tundra Icepick!” What will you do to help create more jobs?
Tebow: I am not the creator. God is the creator.
Gruden: Well, ok. But how would you, yourself alone…
Tebow: (interrupting) I am never alone, Jon.
Gruden: Right. So as I was saying…
Tebow: The Lord is with me always.
Gruden: Yes, I got that. Anyhow, back to jobs. Voters want to know regarding jobs when they look to you…
Tebow: (interrupting) Not me.
Tebow: The Lord, Jon.
Gruden: Well sure, awright, in the larger sense, I suppose, but when you’re in office…
Tebow: There is no larger sense. There is no office. There is only the Lord.
Gruden: (Looks at Cutler. Cutler is making a series of hugely exaggerated, inappropriate hand gestures in the direction of no one in particular) Okay, here we go, now, boys!! (pounds table) Jay, what would your policy be regarding illegal aliens in the US?
Cutler: (Tilts his head back. Stares straight up at the ceiling) Do. Not. Care.
Gruden: All yours, Tim.
Tebow: (who is now somehow shirtless, despite the fact that nobody actually saw him remove his shirt) Ah… I guess it depends on, you know, which kind. If they are small, and, like, nice, we can let them stay. But if they are the scary kind with, like claws and lasers and stuff we will pray for them.
Gruden: This guy!! You talk about a combination of skills like we’ve never seen ever, and I mean ever, he’s half Joe Namath, half Pat Robertson, two-thirds Kenny “The Snake” Stabler and three-quarters Lawrence “The Beast” Eagleburger! He’s what we used to call at Southeast Missouri State “Sizzlin’ Prairie Lightning!” All right, another try for you, Jay: what do you plan to do to help improve America’s standing in the world, particularly in the face of rising Middle East tensions? Go ahead, gunslinger! Draw those six-shooters and take aim at that one, like it’s the OK Corral!
Cutler: You’re kind of an imbecile, Gruden.
Gruden: Well, the question, again, is what you…
Cutler: Shut up, imbecile.
Gruden: Awright, now…anyway – America’s standing…
Gruden: …with all the violence in Arab countries…
Gruden: (pauses) Jay, my man, if you don’t want to answer anything, I guess we can just shut this thing down.
Cutler: (glares at a spot that appears to be just over Gruden’s left shoulder. Scratches neck)
Gruden: Uh, Jay?
Cutler: (scratches neck)
Tebow: He is Love. (moves next to lectern, takes a knee, rests his forehead on his clenched fist.)
Cutler: (Leaves the podium, stops to berate a production intern who’s standing in the wings, holding a clipboard. Wanders away, still screaming profanely as he goes)
Gruden: And that’s gonna do it for us, folks. WHAT A NIGHT!! This was special!! This was like all the Super Bowls put together into one MEGA SUPER ENORMO-BOWL!! This was what we in Philadelphia liked to call a
Dan Bernstein joined the station as a reporter/anchor in 1995, and has been the co-host of Boers and Bernstein since 1999. Read more of Bernstein’s columns, or follow him on Twitter: @dan_bernstein.
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