By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Thanksgiving kind of came out of nowhere, didn’t it? Actually, I apologize for that because that question makes me a hypocrite. One of my bigger pet peeves is people who are annually amazed at annual stuff.
“ERMERGERD, it’s snowing out! Everybody press your greasy faces to the window and behold this phenomenon that occurs at least once a week in Chicago for almost four straight months! Then be sure to alert social media! Pictures are a must because nobody believes the weather in your fifty-foot radius is different from theirs without visual evidence. Try to get an apathetic infant in a shot if you can for collateral superfluous compliments.”
“Ain’t it hot? I tell ya, I can’t remember it ever being this hot. Except for last year. And pretty much every summer I’ve lived here. Old people are dying from the heat? When did that start happening? Welp, might as well walk around shirtless in public and make others uncomfortable.”
“I can’t believe [Thanksgiving, Christmas, Tax Season, Bastille Day, the season premiere of some trashy reality show that you watch to subconsciously appease your own shortcomings by feeling superior to awful people who have sold their souls for television, etc.] is here already! It seems to come earlier and earlier every year, which is probably true since Obama got elected and took away my freedom to… not… be… naked in my own house? Where am I? I think I hit my head.”
And with Thanksgiving comes the forced demand to be thankful for stuff. The day before millions of screaming, drooling, soulless creatures invade department stores to gorge their gift-giving pits of souls on crap that their loved ones don’t really need.
It’s also the week where journalism (of sorts) does a lot of forced thematic stories and slops a flavorless scoop of stuffing that is the “what I’m thankful for” piece on your plate. Well, not here. No way.
Instead I’m going to bitch about what I’m not thankful for in the sports world. Hell, most of us are going to return to our whiny selves once the gravy is done coating our arteries Friday anyway. Why fake positivity?
College realignment—it’s all about the money, not “Leaders” or “Legends” or tradition. Dollars. Period. And while I get, but don’t like, accepting that sports are all ultimately a business, what the hell is Minnesota playing Rutgers every year supposed to do for me?
Commissioners—the dirty cop that is Roger Goodell, the evil college dean in the frat movie that is David Stern, whatever the hell Bud Selig wakes up and pretends he is, and the Muppet that is Gary Bettman. All can go to hell. Can one, just one, not be a complete sack of crap?
The Bulls without Derrick Rose—I can’t say that any of them are bad people, but, boy, are they a tough watch. What’s worse is that slightly-above-average-at-best NBA teams fuel the stupid argument of the game’s inferiority to its college counterpart. Speaking of…
138-point games by players—how awesome it is that a kid scored 138 points in a game Tuesday night?! Not good. That’s indicative of awful basketball. The freakishly huge grade school kid coached by a sadistic piece of garbage does that, not college players.
Concussions—another thing to hate Goodell for inventing. These didn’t exist before his tenure. Jerk.
Fans voting for all star games—Americans can’t pick decent human beings to work government positions, so what makes us think they can fill out a baseball lineup? Coaches and peers know who is deserving of such honors, except whoever thought Bryan LaHair was an All Star.
The Bears offensive line—these slobs are going to feel really bad when Jay Cutler’s inevitable CTE makes him a super nice guy.
The @#$%ing Cubs—because the @#$%ing Cubs.
No NHL—Fix. This. Stupidity. And stop making hockey beat writers awkwardly cover other sports.
Ties in games—there should never be a tie in a sporting event. Ever. That 49ers/Rams game two weeks ago should have had those little trophies for good participation they hand out to t-ballers and some juice boxes. That cost me victory in a survivor pool (even though I still think I survived because the team I picked didn’t lose, but whatever).Winners, losers, that’s life. This is a major reason I can’t appreciate soccer.
The White Sox probably signing Chone Figgins—sure, Kenny Williams isn’t the GM anymore, but you best believe he has had a nudge-nudge-wink-wink-I’ll-leave-you-in-the-desert-for-dead conversation with Rick Hahn about Kenny’s favorite player ever. And Figgins will be bad.
Notre Dame’s inevitable bowl debacle—I root very hard for Fighting Irish football. I also know that Alabama is going to completely annihilate them in January. Like more than 20-point margin annihilate.
The Lions playing on Thanksgiving—there’s loyalty, and then there’s stupidity. If the Lions aren’t sucking, they’re busy not being the charm school gentlemen that the league pretends its roided up monstrosities that run into each other very fast and hard are to be. This is one of the few examples of the NFL not putting money-making at the forefront of decision-making, and of course it hinders viewer enjoyment.
There are probably lots of others, but this list is very difficult to make without using actual curse words. What’s nice is that in the end these are just games, and overall I am actually thankful to have them. Also I’m thankful to each of you for reading my stupidity, and I guess hope you have a happy and safe Thanksgiving.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.