By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) By now you’ve probably heard about ESPN’s Tom Jackson waxing diarrhetic this past Sunday morning about Jay Cutler not doing complicated secret handshakes with Soldier Field employees or something. I say good for Jackson. Cutler has long had his comeuppance coming for not French kissing the unsung heroes of the Bear fan’s viewing experience—the apathetic security personnel who stand for hours in a freezing wind tunnel.
Who does Cutler think he is? Not sexually groping these people who voluntarily make no eye contact with him and spend their time staring into a concrete abyss while pondering their meaning in life? And then going out and easily winning a game? The gall. What we need in the NFL is more personable quarterbacks like Ben Roethlisberger, consarn it.
I just wish Jackson had gone further with this. There are so many things to lay the wood to Cutler for that also have absolutely zero impact of field play. Here are just a few that I fully give Tom Jackson, as well as you the reader, permission to use in your dissection of Jay Cutler, pissy pariah.
Camden Jack—that’s Cutler’s baby son’s name. How awful is that? It’s like Jay and Kristin Cavallari sat down and thought, “Now how can we help ensure our kid has a future hosting at Guy Fieri’s restaurant?” And you know they totally call the kid “Cam.” Cam Jack sounds like it’s sold at an auto parts store.
Jack is a fine first name for a boy, but as a middle name? Same category as the trashiest of middle names, Bob. “Hey, Camden Bob, can you pass me the opossum taser, please? Got a feisty one cornered in the shed. Oh, excuse me. It’s Camden Jack. Apologies, Baron von Chuckwagon.”
Have you seen the movie Billy Jack? Don‘t.
I don’t know about you, but I do not feel comfortable having such a poor decision-maker captain my football ship.
Tying other dudes’ shoes—the hell is this? First you’re pushing the guy, now you’re practically licking his boots? This guy is obviously bipolar. Do we want Jesse Jackson Jr. quarterbacking here? It’s not the Monsters of the Zoloft, folks.
Total pothead—I have no direct evidence of this, but I mean… c’mon.
Not criticizing Cutler hinders black quarterbacks—hey, Brandon Marshall said he’s black, not me. And once a black person dubs a white person black, it is so and cannot be undone lest the latter goes rollerblading. Bill Clinton? Hall & Oates? All black now.
Criticizing black quarterbacks like Cutler has become taboo, deemed by some as racist even. Tom Jackson is not a racist. Tom Jackson needs to push the envelope of the mundane and superfluous of Cutler, perhaps not so much just for #6, but for the betterment of all future black quarterbacks.
Cutler cares not for your stupid Cubs sing-a-long thing—if asked to make a public appearance to participate in a tired if not now downright annoying shtick and sideshow, and then you show up and act all pissy and as though this is all wasting your time, it’s likely the same attitude will someday translate to the football field. Being yourself shows weakness. Fake sincerity… just like Tom Jackson.
He’s a Hispanophobe and a cacomorphobe—if you’re not as cosmopolitan as Tom Jackson and me, those words mean a fear or hatred of Hispanics and fat people, respectively. How can Cutler expect to have the trust of his teammates if he’s embarrassing one of his offensive linemen in public like this?
Oh no, bra, somebody is wearing your jersey. That’s so lame. I bet if you could have your hipster way, Cutlerdude, players would all wear corduroy uniforms and stadium PAs would play only songs by Grizzly Bear. And if you hate portly Hispanics, you hate Carlos Mencia. Know who hates Carlos Mencia? People who respect themselves. But also not leaders.
The New York Giants play this coming Monday night. Victor Cruz is on the Giants and happens to be Puerto Rican. Mention on the pregame romper room in Bristol how Cutler probably hates Cruz, Tom Jackson. America begs you.
Nothing gets fans in a lather—especially such refined ones that watch an ESPN pregame show—like calling out a player for being too emo. I appreciate, too, how Jackson and others who cite Cutler’s personality as obviously being the reason he’s not a winner also make sure to not hinder their rock solid arguments by pointing out episodes of him being a good guy. Don’t do that. Cutty must fail.
Kudos for trolling quite hard on Sunday, Tom Jackson. That pouty face sure got jacked up. Brave superficial stuff. I salute you—nay—say hello to you, sir.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.