By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Tim Baffoe: Welcome back to ESPN’s Hut, Hut, Manufacture! I’m here with former child star Danny Cooksey who’s filling in for the vacationing Cade McNown, and Danny and I were just talking about something pretty interesting off the air, weren’t we, DC?
Danny Cooksey: We were, T-Baff.
TB: Right. I was bringing up how The Cooks here was the human death knell of Diff’rent Strokes…
DC: That’s your opinion, bro.
TB: You were, man, c’mon. Anyway, Danny killed that show, but while he’s one of TV’s most loathed characters of all time, he was one of its few prominent Gingers. Ain’t that right, DC?
DC: True dat, T-Beezy.
TB: Now, what was that like, man? Being such a minority.
DC: Well, you know, it was the 80s, and it was TV, so despite being a seven-year-old redhead there was still tons of coke and chicks and stuff.
TB: And why did you ever ditch perhaps an entry on the Mt. Rushmore of mullets?
DC: When you hang out with Ed Furlong, you make some messed up choices, man.
TB: Sweet. Now, the reason we bring this up is because we both watched the NFL game last night…
TB: …and it involved the Bengals, a team that just so happens to have a Ginger quarterback in Andy Dalton. Now, DC, as a coupla long-suffering Gingers…
DC: Whoa, speak for yourself. I voiced Peng in Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness.
TB: Right. Well, we both know that being a Ginger comes with certain stigmas and social restrictions.
DC: Sometimes things just ain’t right, man.
TB: So, that being said, watching Andy Dalton last night during that embarrassment for the Philadelphia Eagles—by the way, what the hell was that?
DC: Andy Reid has beached himself and is dying on the sand.
TB: I feel you, dawg. Because he’s fat.
TB: Anyway, watching Dalton—ha, saying that makes me wanna AMC up some Road House—we mentioned to each other today that, well, tell ‘em what you said, DC.
DC: Okay, T-Ballz, this is an interesting topic. For me, personally, just me, this throws up a red flag, no pun intended [fist bump from Baffoe rebuked], what I keep hearing. And I don’t know who’s asking the questions, but we’ve heard a couple of times now of a Ginger guy kind of distancing himself away from redheads.
TB: I have the quote right here from an interview Dalton did. “Bengals radio announcer Dan Hoard nicknamed Dalton the ‘red rifle’ during the preseason. It’s a nickname that has stuck this season. Some like it, some do not. Dalton isn’t a huge fan of the nickname, but ‘I guess they found a way to spin it a little.’ He would rather be called Andy.” Interesting, fo sho.
DC: Right? I mean, I understand the whole story of “I just want to be the best.” Nobody’s out on the field saying to themselves, “I want to be the best Ginger quarterback.” You’re just playing football, right, Baffdawg? You want to be the best, you want to throw the most touchdowns and have the most yards and win the most games.
TB: Totes. 3,300-plus yards, chance to throw 30 TDs, an 89.4 QB rating? Dude even rushed for four tuddies so far this season. Gingers don’t run for things; they run away from them.
DC: But time and time we keep hearing this, so it just makes me wonder deeper about him. And I’ve talked to some people down in Cincy—home of the Reds, by the way, and the predominantly orange Bengals and that molten barf Skyline chili, you feel me?
TB: Love that chili, boy.
DC: Friends of mine, who are around and at some of the press conferences, people I’ve known for a long time. But my question, which is just a straight honest question. Is he a Ginger, or is he a cheeseball Ginger?
TB: Boom! Bomb dropped, son! Explain to the people at home with melanin what you’re pontificating here.
DC: He’s not real. Okay, he’s a firecrotch, he kind of does his thing, but he’s not really down with the cause, he’s not one of us. He’s kind of Ginger, but he’s actually the guy you’d really want to hang out with, because he’s not all that socially awkward or sensitive to lights.
TB: Find me a real-ass redhead like that. I dare ya. But I’m sure people back at the crib are wondering why you’d even bring this up.
DC: Well, because I want to find out about him. I don’t know, because I keep hearing these things. We all know he has not just a wife, but an attractive one that he didn’t have mailed from Eastern Europe or rural Asia. There was all this talk about not being covered in hideous freckles. I’m just trying to dig deeper as to why he has an issue. Because we did find out with Todd Marinovich, Marinovich was like “I’ve got red hair, but that’s just because my dad couldn’t alter my DNA as a child. He tried, though. Do you have any industrial adhesives I can huff?” So people got to wondering about Todd Marinovich early on.
TB: Right, right. Hey, did you and Dana Plato ever… ya know?
DC: Nah. I’d find her passed out naked on set all the time, though.
TB: So, what about Dalton’s sunscreen?
DC: Now that’s different. To me, that’s very fluorescent and makes you feel like… Wearing sunscreen, you’re a Ginger. You’re a Ginger if you’ve got sunscreen on. And there was some fear of drafting him. There’s always some trepidation when it comes to a red QB. GMs have to ask, ya know, “Is this guy from a one-Ginger-parent household or were somehow both his parents freakishly orange, and how might that affect him? Does he tend to hang out with a sketchy posse, or is he friendless like most Gingers?” It might sound wrong to say, but this is a business.
TB: Yeah, but this guy doesn’t even know the Ginger life on the real, though.
DC: True. Back to that interview you mentioned. It says, “Growing up he was also called ‘Red’ but wasn’t teased about his hair color like so many redheads are. ‘I guess growing up I never really got made fun of,’ he said.” Ginger my pale ass.
TB: So you think he’s sold out his people?
TB: Damn skippy. Okay, we’ll continue this with a conversation with respected Ginger actor Damian Lewis on the other side of a break.
DC: What, I’m not respected?
TB: Dude, you were in Bad 4 Good.
DC: Oh, come on that was so…
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget , but please don’t follow him in real life. He grew up in Chicago’s Beverly To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.