By Tim Baffoe-
(CBS) Enough of the “What does the Bulls win over the Miami Heat mean?” debate. Look at this. This “fan” needs to be tased until s/he soils her or himself. What the hell is wrong with people? And maybe the worst part is people thinking it’s funny or irrelevant.
Athletes and other celebrities are not your damn toys, idiots. What makes a spectator think he or she has the right to try and snag a player’s headband or take one’s baseball cap or throw a cup of beer or come in physical contact with the athlete or the athlete’s possessions unsolicited whatsoever? Athletes don’t exist in some different set of laws from a random person on the street.
Immediate imprisonment. That should be automatic for any pseudofan that does something like this. And if you’re not privy to what getting arrested at a sports stadium entails, well, let’s just say security is very professional until you’re no longer in sight of cameras or the public. Then a judge should issue a mandatory penalty of banishment from the building for life. Such a moron has forfeited the right to be a proper spectator. A five year old knows to keep hands to oneself. Adults who don’t have no place near famous people.
Weekend. Happy egg hunting.
On to your correspondence. All emails and tweets are unedited.
Is “Big Dance” and its various sub-metaphors the worst, most overdone metaphor in sports? If not, what is? #TFMB—@Old_King_Clancy
I’m not overly bothered by the nicknames the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has. Saying “NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament” is pretty awkward. Hell, I sighed before both times I just typed it. So “Big Dance” and “The Tourney” and whatnot are due to practicality. They are not on par with awful people who say “jealy” or “adorbs” in a genuine manner. Such people are not to be associated with.
It is much like a high school dance anyway. You show up all spiffy and confident with your date. She’s a No. 12 seed, so not overly attractive, but you heard she’s a bit of a wild card, and you’re kinda into that and like your chances. Plus, your mom got you a shiny brand new uniform, and you are stone cold pimping. Then you spend two hours getting embarrassed until she’s off putting out with a more popular team than you. That’s how everyone’s high school dances went, right?
What does bother me is “The Big Game” in lieu of “Super Bowl.” This usually occurs in advertisements that would otherwise prefer not to pony up cash for using the trademarked term. I get that, and while having to pay to say “Super Bowl” in a commercial sucks, holy hell nobody ever says Big Game in normal conversation unless you’re someone who has never seen a Super Bowl before and is pretending you have.
“Hey, are you having a party for the big game?” “Why, yes, I am. And you are not invited.”
What will be the cubs record this year? And will people blame me for it?—@CubsCurseGoat
One good thing about the Cubs being likely bad in 2013 is that nobody can chalk it up to a goat. Instead, it should be attributed to a lack of not-yet-viable talent, mostly on offense, and being in the process of rebuilding—though, I’ve always found it odd to say a team that never won anything is rebuilding. Shouldn’t it just be “building?”
Anyway, Baseball Prospectus and its PECOTA electrofangled satanic computeristics have the Cubs winning 78 games. That’s a 17-win improvement from 2012, which would be a nice sign of progress actually. I’m not so confident in that number, but I also don’t see them being bad enough to lose 100+ games. Bovada currently has the over/under at 73.5, and I felt 72 before even looking at their site.
And for good measure, I see the White Sox regressing a tad this season. They still have a dangerous lineup and a staff that is viable if healthy—IF, but the team is old and creaky (average age on the team is 29+), and not in a good way. If I were betting, which you should never do because it’s immoral, I like 82 wins for the Sox.
So, no playoff baseball in Chicago in 2013 from what I can see right now. Sorry, everybody.
And, if the carrier pigeon didn’t reach you yet, I changed my Twitter handle from @Ten_Foot_Midget to @TimBaffoe. This has had a profound effect on some people.
I’m unfollowing you for changing your Twitter handle from Ten Foot Midget. #yourloss—@BobbyC_TheTribe
Ten Foot Sellout—@Thrillhouse15
Since it is Easter, can you resurrect Ten Foot Midget? He was funnier. #TFMB—@philprombo
what becomes of #tfmb…tbmb? Not as catchy. #tfmb #tbmb—@JunderscoreCo
To quote the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg, “He is I, and I am him.” It will always be the Ten Foot Mailbag until I’m sent on my merry way from this little corner of the Internet. Besides, TBMB casts visions in my head of Tim “Bowel Movement” Baffoe, and I’ve tried very hard to bury the nuns’ nickname for me from grammar school.
Thanks for emailing, tweeting, and reading. If your question did not get answered this time, that does not necessarily mean I am ignoring it. It may be saved for the next mailbag. Hopefully you’re a slightly better person now than you were ten minutes ago. If not, your loss.
Want your questions answered in a future Mailbag? Email them to email@example.com or tweet them with the hashtag #TFMB. No question, sports or otherwise, is off limits (with certain logistical exceptions, e.g. lots of naughty words or you type in Portuguese or you solicit my death). If you email, please include a signature.
Tim Baffoe attended the University of Iowa and Governors State University and began blogging at The Score after winning the 2011 Pepsi Max Score Search. He enjoys writing things about stuff, but not so much stuff about things. When not writing for 670TheScore.com, Tim corrupts America’s youth as a high school English teacher and provides a great service to his South Side community delivering pizzas (please tip him and his colleagues well). You can follow Tim’s inappropriate brain droppings on Twitter @Ten_Foot_Midget, but please don’t follow him in real life. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read more of Tim’s blogs click here.