The Onion Foolishly Puts Faith In Short-Lived Internet Fad, Plans To End Print Editions (Ha! Good Luck, Chumps)
CHICAGOISH (CBS?) – The very serious and influential news publication known as The Onion has made its first, and possibly last, mistake – it’s decided to end the distribution of its print edition in the awesome city of Chicago (and probably some other lame cities, too).
Read the more “accurate” and significantly less exciting version of this article here.
Yes, that’s right, The Onion announced Friday (that’s today) that it’s ending the last of its print editions and moving to an all-online format, apparently under the delusion that people will still care about websites in the future.
The Onion‘s last print editions — also known as the last bastions of hope and the only thing that could possibly dig the world out of perpetual despair — will run in Providence, R.I., Milwaukee and Chicago on December 12.
Coincidentally, December 12 will also be the last day of Ted, the copy editor who has nothing to live for but his job.
As of yet, teenagers have not launched a last-minute fundraiser/dance competition to save the print edition of The Onion (or Ted’s job).
“While the print edition is an important part of our history, we are very excited for the opportunities that come with prioritizing digital for even greater company growth,” McAvoy said in a statement.
No, not James McAvoy.
That quote was by Onion, Inc. President Mike McAvoy, who seems to think the world isn’t about to launch itself into a post-apocalyptic hell where all technology is deemed useless and news isn’t obtained from websites, Twitter and Facebook, but old Starbucks cups written on with the world’s last ballpoint pens.
No, CBS Chicago may not have a print edition, but we do have one thing goin’ for us:
A gigantic stash of Starbucks cups.
See you in the future, suckers.