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I Love Ann Coulter And The World Cup

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USA soccer fans celebrate in Chicago's Grant Park. (Scott Olson/Getty Images)

USA soccer fans celebrate in Chicago’s Grant Park. (Scott Olson/Getty Images)

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By John Dodge

I am madly in love in Ann Coulter.

It is not the statuesque pose she strikes when she seductively places her hand on her lovely hips on the cover of her book.

It’s not her beautiful, golden hair or sultry eyes.

It’s not her mind, either. (Definitely, not that.)

I love her because she wants me to hate her.

Hate is her trade and her motivation for building her empire.

So, I love you Ann Coulter.

I also don’t agree with you.

Millions of Americans don’t agree with you either.

Her latest attack on America’s moral decay centers on the rising popularity of soccer. That’s right, soccer.

It’s a poorly researched piece and wildly inaccurate. That, of course, doesn’t matter to her, although it should.

Just like soccer is “catching on” in the United State, Americans are also “catching on” that Ann Coulter’s crusade to demoralize Americans is coming to an end.

Her actual point is to continue her tired trope about how American parents are perpetuating this myth of entitlement in our children. We are continuing to raise a nation of unmotivated, selfish, sissies.

She also adds some attacks on immigration, by illogically arguing that soccer is “European” and nobody whose “great-grandfather was born in the United States is watching soccer.”

OK, so all those generations of Irish, English and Germans who came through Ellis Island, to name a few, don’t like soccer. Got it.

“There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self-esteem is bruised,” she writes. “There’s a reason perpetually alarmed women are called “soccer moms,” not “football moms.”

Kids play soccer because it is inexpensive, accessible and a great form of exercise. That’s what moms like about it.

I coached a travel soccer team for six seasons. None of the moms were “perpetually alarmed.” They all trusted me with their kids for a few hours of practice a week and at the games.

They wanted to know three things: What time is practice? Where is the game on Saturday? Is it my turn to bring the snacks?

Coulter also believes that juice boxes are destroying kids’ drive to succeed and become self-motivated individuals.

Everybody gets one! Or so goes the argument.

The children are already learning to become motivated by devoting themselves to practice and competing in matches.

There is no connection between a post-game snack and teaching a child the value of hard work. It’s a snack, that’s all.

Of course, Coulter’s argument is absurd. And she doesn’t care.

# # #

Science is the father of knowledge, but opinion breeds ignorance. – Hippocrates

Science is, of course, based on facts.

The foundation of well-reasoned opinion is supported by those stubborn things call facts.

Let’s look at this a little further.

Coulter: “When baseball players strike out, they’re standing alone at the plate. … “In soccer, the blame is dispersed …”

England’s Rob Green might not agree.

Coulter: “Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.”

Yep, we are raising our boys to be weak.

For the record, fights in NHL games are declining, according to hockeyfights.com

Hockey Fights

And football kids get snacks.

Coulter: “Soccer is like the metric system.”

Wait, what? How?

Oh, because it’s European, Coulter argues.

Here is a list of the Fédération Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) country codes.

(Credit: Wikipedia)

(Credit: Wikipedia)

Wow, Europe is HUGE!

How did Europe come to dominate the world?

It must be Obama’s fault.

Love you, Ann! I think I might have given you an idea for your next column.

John Dodge is the executive producer of cbschicago.com. This opinion is his own and not that of CBS.

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