50 Shades Of Grey Official Trailer: Oh, Sooooo Hot!

By John Dodge

CHICAGO (CBS) -- When it was suggested that I "critique" the new official trailer for "50 Shades Of Grey"--by a woman, of course--I vowed not to use any double entendres.

After watching the 2 1/2-minute clip, which amusingly has been approved for all appropriate audiences, I concluded that it must be good, to be bad.

Darn it!

The movie, based on the book that 98 percent of the women on my train were reading at some point, follows the seduction of Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) by the super rich, super stud Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan).

It includes the following clichés:

A longing gaze as an elevator door closes.

A lustful gasp in the rain!

A glamorous photo shoot. (With a coy, "He hasn't stopped looking at you" from an assistant to Anastasia)

A walk in the woods! With diffused sunlight!

"Why are you trying to change me?!"

Elevator sex!

Blindfold sex!

Ice cube sex!

Sex! Sex! Sex!

There are also many, many gratuitous shots of the male torso.

And, allow me to digress for a moment: If a woman is a bit soft in the middle, it's called a muffin top. (So dainty!). But when a man lets himself go, it's called a beer belly (as if he's a slobbering drunk.)

No fair.

Anyway, back to the fake sex.

The climax (darn it!), is this exchange between the two lovers.

"My tastes are very singular," Christian teases. "You wouldn't understand."

Yeah, I don't understand how I guy wears that wardrobe.

"Enlighten me then," Anastasia coos.

Good grief, can somebody enlighten me?

Were the books this bad, too?

The movie opens on Valentine's Day.