Baffoe: The War On Alshon 'Jeffries'

By Tim Baffoe--

(CBS) There are three keys on my house chain that look identical. One unlocks the front door, one the back door, one the garage. (Please come burglarize the Baffoe estate!) I know that I've arranged them in an order I can remember. I can point to you which key is which.

Yet every time I go to unlock my garage, I initially use the wrong key. Because I'm stupid.

I will never spell Mark Buehrle's name correctly without the help of an editor -- I usually write "Buerhle." This despite creating for myself a mnemonic device — "it's not RH, it's HR, like the baseball stat." I will always have to go back and capitalize the B in LeBron. These are my insurmountable obstacles that make me grumble to myself and punch myself in the head.

Still, I have not nor ever will reach the level of excruciating idiocy that is referring to the man as "Alshon Jeffries." Misspelling is one thing. America's collective inability to spell -- along with our inability to do simple addition, subtraction, multiplication and division in our heads -- is a fight we lost a while ago. I'm guilty of spelling "Jeffery" as "Jeffrey" more than once.

But speaking somebody's name wrong is higher-order dumb, the act of literally taking a proper noun and mutating syllables in it on the regular. It's "I didn't know the lion had a name when I beheaded it" ignorance. And I'm calling on all of you Bears fans to rally together to end this clownery.

Some of you are already fine. You see "Jeffery" and easily process from brain to mouth that nothing remotely resembling the letter S exists there. You've evolved beyond the stereotypical Chicagoan who has to "run to da Jewels real quick fer a gallon of milk."

Then maybe you were near a radio Monday and heard Chicago Bears coach John Fox meeting with the media and talking about currently injured Bears receivers.

Maybe I misheard. The windows down on the car and all (which allowed other drivers at the red light to hear me scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!").

This is profoundly disturbing. That's the head coach. Of players. Players for the Bears. This isn't Tony Siragusa.

If there wasn't already an omen for those who don't already know that the 2015 Bears season is futile, the head coach using the most grating misspeak of the franchise's record-holder for most receiving yards in a game would be it. But while we will have to endure the likely march to mediocrity that this autumn bodes, some of the polarization between the meatballs yelling about the inevitable and the masochists questioning why they subject themselves to the Sunday lobotomies can be clipped a bit. But the former needs to make the conscious effort to not pluralize one of their supposedly favorite player's last names.

They'll need help, though. And so I am calling on you, heroes and heroines, to be active in the fight against this bit of stupid SNL Super Fan-nery. (And even the Super Fans themselves, in all their mockery-not-tribute to Bears fans, never mispronounced player names.)

This is easier said than done. You've had years of manners pounded into you, lectures from adults about minding your own business and not impolitely correcting others. Screw all that.

This is your business, and all honesty is considered impolite when it involves letting someone know he or she is blatantly wrong about something so simple as saying "Jeffries" or "Jefferies" or "Jeffers" or "Jeffman." You would be quick to let others know that they are pronouncing your name wrong. ("Excuse me, but it's 'BA-foe.' Like 'bad.' It doesn't rhyme with 'Dafoe.' No, no, not a problem. All good. Thanks.") How about extending Alshon -- who seems too modest to let broadcasters and fans know they're saying his friggin' name wrong -- that same courtesy?

So when your coworker talks about how "Jefferies is gonna have a monster year on my fantasy team," ask him or her what fantasy they are living in where an Australian standup comedian would get so many touchdowns? Then have a good laugh and later contact your superior to make sure that coworker never gets promoted.

At the press conference where the head coach who's sorta supposed to know his players' names pluralizes that of his No. 1 receiver, pretend to earnestly clarify, "Alshon Jeff-ree, coach?" and nod sincerely and jot down notes and stuff so as not to undermine the guy in charge of gameday decisions for the Chicago Bears.

When your friend says, "I tell ya, dis Jeffries is better'n Jordan Nelson any day a da week," you have a duty. Be gentle but firm and tell that friend, "Without debating that thesis, his name is 'Jeffery'. It's right there on the back of the jersey you're wearing inside your house."

His name is "Alshon Jeffery." Say it out loud to yourself. Right now, do it -- "His name is 'Alshon Jeffery'." Then ask your loved ones to do the same.

"His name is 'Alshon Jeffery.'"

"His name is 'Alshon Jeffery.'"

"This is the garage key."

Tim Baffoe is a columnist for CBSChicago.com. Follow Tim on Twitter @TimBaffoe. The views expressed on this page are those of the author, not CBS Local Chicago or our affiliated television and radio stations.