Baffoe: Grading The 2015 Score Fantasy Football Draft
By Tim Baffoe--
(CBS) You care.
I know this because you're here, on this page, right now. You're reading about a fantasy football league of which you're not a part. And don't you go closing out this browser window now out of frustration at being caught.
It's supposedly cool to note on the Internet that nobody cares about someone else's fantasy team. This isn't true any more than the other logically fallacious "nobody cares" online screams out there that look to squash something uncomfortable under the guise of speaking for the masses.
You care because we're an animal that compulsively measures ourselves against others, even when it comes to something as stupid as fantasy football. Hearing a stranger lament that a receiver couldn't get him or her three damn points on Monday night to win that week's matchup is a nice salve for the scorching 30-point loss you suffered. When some online personality like me who you despise says, "I need So-and-So to get me 15 points, please!" you get the soul's nourishing schadenfreude of spiteful rooting against that football player and hoping Baffoe literally and figuratively falls down some stairs.
Oh, you care all right.
And when it comes to the members of 670 The Score's fantasy league, you love to hate at least some of us. Whether it's the various Dan Bernstein clones, sycophants or wannabes -- because every piece of smart, constructive criticism about anyone Score-affiliated has to mention Dan Bernstein -- playing fantasy sports that Dan Bernstein explicitly gave us orders not to play, you want to enjoy at least one of us being bad at something sports related and thus justifying you hate-listening and hate-reading.
Last Friday we held our live draft, and a special thanks to Jimmy Green's for their fantastic accommodations and hospitality. It's a 14-team PPR league that looks like this: QB, 2 WRs, 2 RBs, TE, W/R/T flex spot and defense. The results are all here, but I'm a classroom teacher who gets to turn this into a bit about grading, get it?
So let's do a breakdown.
Score hockey expert Jay Zawaski had the first pick and also didn't show up to the draft. Not only is his team bad, but I can't in good conscious give someone a grade when they haven't shown up. Also, we eliminated kickers in our league but gave Jay a kicker. GRADE: I (incomplete, course needs repeating)
The second pick went to Brett Lyons, who also didn't show up to the draft because he had to produce content for the one sports-related thing that uninvolved adults are more insufferable and creepy at talking about: high school football. His team is also bad and doesn't merit grading. GRADE: I
Continuing with the pattern of how important and serious we are here, Nick Shepkowski was unable to attend the draft as well but sent a consigliere, Chris Tannehill, in his stead, unlike his comparatively huskier producer peers. It's like when I had my freshman roommate take a final exam for me — it shows dedication. But his receiving corps isn't good. Significant importance lies with a skill player from Jacksonville. Never be the first team to draft a defense. GRADE: C-
Getting Aaron Rodgers with the 25th pick is this draft's is the earliest steal for Herb Lawrence. Herb drives for Uber now, and he's not supposed to accept tips, but I have one anyway: Don't draft Montee Ball. This is the best team so far, which is sad. GRADE: B
I don't know who Kevin Dziepak is, but I admire his guts to be obviously under the influence of chemicals that would cause one to draft bench players before his second running back, who also happens to not be starting for that player's NFL team. Not only did he make his quarterback an Oakland Raider (for some pathetic symbiosis with his other running back, I guess) but did so with less-than-bad options still available. This is the fantasy football equivalent of producing Les Grobstein's show. GRADE: F
In other leagues, Dennis Gambino's team would be laughable, but the leper colony we've seen so far probably makes his playoff-worthy. Health will be a major factor for him, but he might get lucky with the Davis and Taliaferro handcuffs. I admire the moxie in his willingness to troll the draft with the Winston pick and to note that night that the weather postponement of the Illinois game was "the worst thing to happen in Kent State's history." GRADE: B
Did you know that this past Sunday was the first installment of the brand new fantasy football show on The Score hosted by Joe Ostrowski? Make sure to tune in weekly and hear discussions like Joe's from a year ago in which he touted the in-vogue fantasy nerdery of refusing to take any running backs early due to injury rates and turnover. And then Friday his first three picks and four of his first five were running backs. His No. 2 receiver is out until Week 5 and replaced by a white guy on the Jets until then. Consecutive-round quarterback picks always smacks of a lack of confidence. GRADE: C+
Gronk will be typically great, Andrew Luck will challenge Rodgers for best fantasy quarterback. Laurence Holmes' starting receivers are solid, but his backs don't impress me. I'm worried that Jeff Janis becomes a household name this season. GRADE: A-
You know how callers to The Score mistake Holmes and Jason Goff for each other all the time? The same could be said for their respective fantasy teams. Again, there are very good receivers here, a quarterback who will put up valuable numbers and not much of a terrifying run game. Owen Daniels is a reach in the seventh. This team is like a well-done radio show but in Atlanta. GRADE: B
Three years ago, Connor McKnight did what we believed to be a bunch of drugs at the draft — by the end, I think he was singing Night Ranger's "Sister Christian" in a silk robe — and somehow won the league. A bit older, a bit wiser and now working somewhere I can't remember, he's much calmer and more collected, and his draft reflects that. His is a safe, magazine draft -- like a talk radio station for your parents that didn't want to gamble on the sketchy product that is Cubs ratings. GRADE: B
Who is Chris Collins? A guy relying on a Washington running back and an injured running back, that's who. Denard Robinson is a great pick for every guy in your league who thinks the NFL is conducive to reinventing yourself at a skill position. Especially in Jacksonville. This is the coked-up Jaguar Matt Jones of fantasy teams. GRADE: D
Adam Harris, who used to write and talk on the radio about fantasy football, recently left The Score to join the world of high school education, so he's an idiot. He salvaged his iffy running back picks with great value at receiver. This team has good intentions and is ultimately harmless, like Adam Harris. GRADE: C+
Rick Camp did pretty well for a while with the penultimate spot in the draft order. I don't hate his starting backs or receivers, but he did commit the crime of picking quarterbacks back-to-back, with the latter in Matthew Stafford standing a decent chance of outperforming the former, Cam Newton. GRADE: A-
As I've done in the past, I'll refrain from grading my own team. As is quite evident, though, I should win this clown show so long as bad luck stays away.
I hope that your fantasy team, wherever it may be, is very bad and that your angst and woe soothe the hearts of others. I care about that very much.
Tim Baffoe is a columnist for CBSChicago.com. Follow Tim on Twitter @TimBaffoe. The views expressed on this page are those of the author, not CBS Local Chicago or our affiliated television and radio stations.
