Baffoe: Bears/Seahawks -- A Diary Of Madness

By Tim Baffoe--

(CBS) The following is a chronicle of my experience preparing for and watching the Chicago Bears pseudo-game against the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday. This is my testament. Should I not wake Monday, may it tell my story for generations to come.

11:52 a.m. I am brunching alone with chorizo and eggs. I fear this will be the highlight of my day.

12:00 p.m. I haven't showered.

12:15 p.m. Two McCowns are starting at quarterback right now. In the NFL. In 2015.

12:16 p.m. Two Gingers are starting at quarterback right now, and both look damn good early. The revolution will be heavily sunscreened, people.

12:30 p.m. The early games today are all fairly stupid. Still, I absolutely know this is grownup football and what I have to watch at 3:25 will not be.

1:45 p.m. Waiting for the Bears to play is like when I knew my parents had intercepted my mailed report card before I could steal it, and I had to sweat out the inevitable call for me to come to the living room to be scolded and shamed.

3:21 p.m.

3:22 p.m. I'm yelling at my TV tuned to FOX for not putting the game on. I have yet to realize the game is on CBS. Probably would've been better off never figured this out.

3:23 p.m. I understand that this game really needs Phil Simms, though.

3:24 p.m. Prop bets to make this bearable: Seattle defense scores a TD before or after the start of the second quarter? Ka'Deem Carey with more carries than Matt Forte? Shots of Jay Cutler on the sidelines? Over/under on how long it takes Jim Nantz to mention that Martellus and Michael Bennett are brothers?

3:26 p.m. First attempt at a play from scrimmage is a Bears' delay of game in which Matt Forte was stuffed in the backfield anyway. This game can end now.

3:27 p.m. Next play, Forte is met for a four-yard loss.

3:28 p.m. Next play, incomplete pass to Forte. It's like I scripted this.

3:31 p.m. Ohmygosh the Bears defense got a sack.

3:32 p.m. The Bears defense held the Seahawks opening drive to a three-and-out. Something is wrong.

3:33 p.m. First in-game shot of Cutler. And his hair was perfect.

3:35 p.m. Drinking game: try not to drink during the game.

3:43 p.m. The Bears got faked out by a phantom punt returner. Next the Seahawks will let them have a touchdown if the Bears can win at Three Card Monty.

3:47 p.m. The Bears shutout ends with 5:16 left in the first quarter, far exceeding all of our expectations.

3:53 p.m. As Jimmy Clausen scrambles and runs for a one-yard gain, I suddenly realize I am afraid yet intrigued by the possibility of watching the death of another human being on live television.

3:54 p.m. 

3:56 p.m. Marshawn Lynch gets his first carry of the game because the Seahawks aren't winning by three scores yet for some reason.

4:04 p.m. How are the Bears only losing 3-0 after one quarter?

4:14 p.m. Requisite footage of Russell Wilson visiting a children's hospital. Russell Wilson is a great human. Did you know that?

4:15 p.m. I'm drinking. Screw decorum.

4:18 p.m. I can't find a bottle opener. Panic is setting in.

4:21 p.m. The Bears got screwed on a challenge in which they should've been given the ball when a punt hit a Seattle player. I find myself feeling actual feelings and being defensive of this team. I assume this is fleeting, but it's nice nonetheless.

4:24 p.m. Jared Allen sucks. He isn't good at football either.

4:30 p.m.

4:45 p.m.

4:52 p.m. Putting the pasta sauce on the stove. I'm conflicted on noodle choice. The Bears have zero points at halftime, which was expected. That Seattle only has six, though, is fairly insane. Tip of the cap to Bears ramshackle defense for the effort.

5:00 p.m. Bears special teams have been truly awful this year. Arguably their worst phase of the ball. This is the second consecutive week they allowed a kickoff return touchdown.

5:10 p.m. The Bears are getting sacks. And I can taste colors.

5:12 p.m. Carson Palmer, noted Ginger, is playing very well. Remember Jordan Palmer? He might be better than Jimmy Clausen.

5:15 p.m. I still haven't showered.

5:16 p.m. Cutler is charting plays without much enthusiasm. Guy just isn't a team player.

5:17 p.m. Bears have punted every drive. Every one. All of them. Yes, this one, too. Though that means they haven't turned the ball over, so little victories and stuff.

5:30 p.m. The chorizo has caught up with me. From the bathroom I hear Jimmy Graham is doing the thing he should have been doing all game because the Bears have nobody who can cover him. There's a large collective national sigh that Seattle is finally covering the spread.

5:33 p.m.

5:34 p.m. Matt Forte limps off the field. My only worry today was him escaping healthy. Everything is bad.

5:45 p.m. Forte is back in, and I'm considering why that is.

5:48 p.m. Kyle Long comes off the field limping. Let's consider what the Bears could be like if all the minimal talent left was absent, shall we?

5:50 p.m. It's the fourth quarter, though. I think I'm going to make it. I can see the end. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. – 2 Timothy 4:7

5:51 p.m. If you're going to be bad, at least you have a punter that can arc a ball 72 yards.

5:56 p.m.

5:58 p.m. "He's strong, he's sturdy." Simms is describing players in terms of hard ciders now.

6:01 p.m. The fourth quarter is half over, and Clausen has 53 yards passing. If there's pleasure to be taken from this game, it's that everyone with genuine vitriol for Cutler deserves this.

6:10 p.m. The Bears currently have about 150 yards of total offense. They currently have punted for 477 yards.

6:11 p.m.

6:15 p.m. He wasn't expected to do much, but Clausen's performance today is depressing. I would seriously rather have Tim Tebow because that would at least add a freak show element to this nothingness. I'm very serious.

6:20 p.m. The game is over. Thankfully. The Bears punted on every single possession of theirs - -the only team in 35 years to do so. This is probably the NFL's worst team, which should have you clamoring for the top pick in the next draft. I still haven't showered, and even if I do, I know I won't feel clean.

Tim Baffoe is a columnist for CBSChicago.com. Follow Tim on Twitter @TimBaffoe. The views expressed on this page are those of the author, not CBS Local Chicago or our affiliated television and radio stations.