By Tim Baffoe–
(CBS) You the Chicago Bears fan need a laugh this morning. Remember when I said this team would go 9-7? Point at your screen right now and let out a good, cathartic chuckle. Wash away your anger this morning with the enjoyment of my stupidity.
Then look at my profile picture for this site. What a slob I am. Continue pointing and laughing.
Whew. Feel a bit better now? I know my grandma does.
Now I want you to hold on to that resigned, punchy giggliness, because this Bears season isn’t getting any better. Losing 29-14 at home to the Philadelphia Eagles on Monday night fairly solidified that. Which is depressing, sure, but better that we realize it now and accept it during the Cubs’ run and the preparations for interesting Bulls and Blackhawks storylines than be willfully ignorant and get kicked in the groin week after week (but not by Connor Barth, who’d miss left and catch us in the shin instead). It’s the quick Band-Aid pull rather than the slow rip. (And either way there’s still a gaping wound in this situation.)
So let’s figure out a way to enjoy the rest of this crapfest. It’s not like we’re smart enough to just stop watching, right?
The quarterback position is always of ultimate concern no matter how bad or mediocre the Bears have decided to fluctuate between. Jay Cutler injured his thumb on national television, which is just a devilishly hilarious way to perpetuate the bad narrative that he’s not tough.
ESPN's new MNF panel hit the Cutler trifecta talking about his emotion, toughness and body language in succession.
Dave Creagh (@davecreagh) September 19, 2016
ESPN's new MNF panel hit the Cutler trifecta talking about his emotion, toughness and body language in succession.—
Cutler didn’t brush off the injury in his postgame press conference the way he seemed to when being checked out on the bench by medical staff prior to his bad interception that really swung the game the Eagles’ way. “Concerned” is the word he used while wearing a cast and smirking at a reporter asking if he’d ever had a thumb injury before.
Which doesn’t sound like it’s merely sore and he’ll try to play through it. Cutler suffered ligament damage in Week 1 against the Houston Texans and was playing through it, the Sun-Times reported Tuesday.
So now we must prepare for life without Cutler for at least a while. For those who irrationally hate him, that’s a bonus, right? For the rest of us who understand the hate is as misguided as some of his passes, at least we don’t have to deal with the public beatings for a while, both of the defensive line and hot take varieties.
Bears coach John Fox would then turn to Brian Hoyer if Cutler has to miss time. Hoyer will continue be extra terrible (in case you had turned off Monday’s game before he entered) until Fox can’t justify the “safe” choice anymore. Thus will be ushered the era of “insert name here.”
If this team is mid-viking funeral, I want the fiery ship submerging with someone random rather than the suck you know like Hoyer, another in a long line of incompetent Cutler backups. Let’s go full quarterback macabre here.
Besides Cutler, everyone else on defense is injured. Lamarr Houston’s knee injury is “substantial,” per Fox, so he’s done for the year. Eddie Goldman’s ankle died. The injured secondary became the “Let’s try to remember these new names this week” secondary.
So the Bears are going to be chasing points. A lot. Which means the offense will have to try to open up something despite coordinator Doyle (Darrell?) Loggains’ fears of creativity and bugs and monsters under the bed.
It also means more responsibility for defensive rookies Leonard Floyd and Jonathan Bullard. True, they haven’t shown much so far, but can they show less? Can they exacerbate more quickly the creeping distrust of general manager Ryan Pace?
Pernell McPhee is on the physically-unable-to-perform list and in street clothes but spry enough to ream out Cutler as he walked off the field.
Hooray, soap opera stuff. Now we can have our interest piqued by a dozen different players being asked if they also hate Jay or who does hate Jay or is Jay a leader or does Jay share his hair mousse with others? That empty sports talk is so nourishing to the vapid soul. McPhee can carry on the great Bears defensive tradition of visibly disliking Cutler.
Eddie Royal returned a punt for a touchdown. That’s a thing. But Barth almost missed the subsequent extra point after missing a 31-yard field goal earlier. The New Orleans Saints cut Barth after he got beat out by a guy who they also later cut. The fans at Soldier Field booing and chanting for Robbie Gould to come back are morons, but maybe we can get a revolving door of kickers. Something like a reality show. Remember the Carlos Huerta acid trip? Good times.
Nothing will be accomplished by, though, by whining in our own vomit over this already-over season. So find a way to have fun with it. Spin it positive any way you can.
Laugh, damn it.
And, hey, maybe all the attrition will bring back what this team has always needed. Wide receiver and glowing star of warmth and inspiration, Daniel Braverman.
Tim Baffoe is a columnist for CBSChicago.com. Follow Tim on Twitter @TimBaffoe. The views expressed on this page are those of the author, not CBS Local Chicago or our affiliated television and radio stations.