Horrible HoroscopesA roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don't let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusIt’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusAquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusDo gravediggers throw their shovels at people? Do racecar drivers run over pedestrians? Has a McDonald’s employee every thrown a batch of chicken nuggets being fried in oil at your face? I've never attempted to stab anyone in the eye with the pen I write articles with. I've thought about it. A lot. But I haven't done it.
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusOr is your background dark and murky? Do you own a black cat? Ride a broom? Host Harry Potter marathons? Are you a witch? I don't know, but I just farted.
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusAnd your father! You’re the apple of his eye. What do you do? You play William Tell with him. Not literally. Figuratively. Aiming arrow-like insults at him. The things you call him!
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.

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