Aquarius

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Why YES, I am currently dating Batman. We're very happy together. (Credit: Akihiro I/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

It’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”

01/22/2013

Tim Robbins takes in the sweet, sweet moisture droplets of freedom in 'Shawshank Redemption' (Credit: Columbia Pictures)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Aquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!

12/18/2012

Elizabeth Banks surrounded by strippers. Hopefully, they're safe and responsible strippers. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Do gravediggers throw their shovels at people? Do racecar drivers run over pedestrians? Has a McDonald’s employee every thrown a batch of chicken nuggets being fried in oil at your face? I’ve never attempted to stab anyone in the eye with the pen I write articles with. I’ve thought about it. A lot. But I haven’t done it.

11/06/2012

OMG SUPER CUTE WITCH WATCH OUT!!! (Credit: Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Or is your background dark and murky? Do you own a black cat? Ride a broom? Host Harry Potter marathons? Are you a witch? I don’t know, but I just farted.

10/18/2012

Don't even talk to me, Aquarius... (Credit: Adam Berry/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

And your father! You’re the apple of his eye. What do you do? You play William Tell with him. Not literally. Figuratively. Aiming arrow-like insults at him. The things you call him!

09/28/2012

Hey, ladies ;) (Credit: Carlo Allegri/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/22/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012