Aquarius
Horrible Horoscopes
A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
It’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
Aquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
Do gravediggers throw their shovels at people? Do racecar drivers run over pedestrians? Has a McDonald’s employee every thrown a batch of chicken nuggets being fried in oil at your face? I’ve never attempted to stab anyone in the eye with the pen I write articles with. I’ve thought about it. A lot. But I haven’t done it.
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
Or is your background dark and murky? Do you own a black cat? Ride a broom? Host Harry Potter marathons? Are you a witch? I don’t know, but I just farted.
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
And your father! You’re the apple of his eye. What do you do? You play William Tell with him. Not literally. Figuratively. Aiming arrow-like insults at him. The things you call him!
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday’s Bad Horoscopes
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Most Popular News
- Divers Pull Body From Lake Michigan On South SideA young man's body has been pulled from Lake Michigan, not far from where a missing University of Chicago student is believed to have been when he vanished during last week's thunderstorms.405
- Lewis Points Finger At ‘Rich White People’ For School ProblemsA day before the first set of school closings was set to begin, Chicago Teachers Union President Karen Lewis had some harsh words about how the Chicago Public Schools are funded and managed, blaming much of the district’s problems on racism.5351
- Man Shot To Death In South Suburban HomewoodNineteen-year-old Homewood resident Henry Kormoi died from at least one gunshot wound he suffered near home in the 1100 block of 187th Street.112
- State Discontinues Healthcare Funding For Disabled Stroke VictimUnconscionable. That's what a doctor calls a state decision to cut care funding for a patient.311
- Teen Says He Got E. Coli From Burrito At Lombard RestaurantA local teen says he got sick because of a burrito he ate from a local restaurant that's now the focus of an e coli outbreak.158
- Natura Pet Issues New Dog And Cat Food RecallNebraska-based Natura Pet Products has announced a new voluntary recall of multiple brands of dry pet food and treats. The decision comes after a positive test for Salmonella on April 3.7491
Contests & Promotions
- Win $1,000 In Gas From Hyundai! June 17, 2013Enter to win $1,000 in free gas from Hyundai! What’s better than free gas? How about the 2013 Elantra Limited with an EPA-Estimated 38 MPG Highway! 28 City/38 Hwy. EPA Estimates. For comparison only. Actual mileage may vary.
- Join Hankook Tire To Reel In The Next Big Catch May 20, 2013Join Hankook tire to reel in the next great catch! Click here to go to www.TirePrize.com and enter for your chance to win the ultimate fishing excursion in Puerto Rico!
- Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau Post Game Show Giveaway May 10, 2013Listen to The Score’s Baseball Post Game Show for your chance to win a $100 lodging gift certificate from the Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau!
- Enjoy Golf’s Best Round With GREY GOOSE Vodka May 1, 2013Enjoy Golf’s Best Round this season with GREY GOOSE Vodka! Visit your participating retailer today and purchase one 750 mL or larger bottle of GREY GOOSE Vodka to receive one free round of golf!
Twitter Updates
- Man charged with sex trafficking for 2nd time after allegedly kidnapping a Minnesota woman. cbsloc.al/12Ki84s 35 minutes ago
- Do you like your food on the go (literally!)? 'Best Food Trucks In Chicago' cbsloc.al/11xOVEO 1 hour ago
