Astrology

Holy cow! This is blowing my mind! (Credit: STR/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

Listen Applebee’s (you’re a Capricorn, right?), we got bigger things to worry about than a woman breastfeeding her kid in your restaurant.

09/28/2012

Fine, she's not a natural blonde, but she still broke my heart. (Credit: FREDERIC J. BROWN/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

But gimme some slack, this woman ripped my heart out and ate it with her bare hands, red blood and pink, hearty bits going down her chin as she chewed…

09/27/2012

Lil Wayne... You rapscallion you... (Credit: TMZ / YouTube)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

You, Lil Wayne, are a shining star. You’re a shining, shooting star. You’re buzzin’ past Venus and Venus is all, “Hey! You can’t buzz past me,” and you’re like, “Whatever, Venus! Don’t tell me what to do!”

09/26/2012

That's right, Katie... Bite him. (Credit: Vince Bucci/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

You don’t want to go to jail for revenge though, so let’s leave physical violence off the table. Physical violence isn’t cool, even if your girlfriend cheated on you with your sixty-five-year-old band teacher…

09/26/2012

Geri (Credit: Getty) and Fred (Credit: Frank Micelotta/ImageDirect) a match made in heaven!

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

I know, Fred Durst, you thought you were at the top of your game when you found an alternative, (dare I say, better?) way of spelling bizkit. And Ginger Spice, you’re probably wondering how you can spice up everyone’s lives any more than you already have! But let’s be honest, your best days are ahead of you, not behind you, guys.

09/25/2012

Hail to the king, baby (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

Unless they bring Mayor McCheese and the Hamburgler back (you can keep Grimace in hiding), Burger King’s mascot just has more character than everything McDonald’s has goin’ on right now…

09/25/2012

You are going to be such a great mother, Snooki! (Credit: Rob Kim/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini

Sure, babies seem like a big responsibility. They’re like little, fat sacks of tears. But once they’re old enough, four or five maybe, they can do all sorts of useful things for you…

09/24/2012

The Moon doesn't usually make it to the Pride Parade, but he supports it. (credit: B96 Chicago)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

The Moon feels it’s a monumental waste of time to oppose gay marriage, and doesn’t quite understand why the country of the “free” can’t just, you know, ALLOW EVERYONE THE SAME RIGHTS…

09/24/2012

DON'T TRUST HER, PISCES! (Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/22/2012

South Korean rapper Psy performs on NBC's "Today" (Photo by Mike Coppola/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/21/2012

NICE BATHROOM I'M WATCHING YOU :) (Credit: Dominic Lipinski - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscope: Sagittarius

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/21/2012

I wanna wear Ryan Gosling's jacket, if ya know what I mean (It's a cool jacket!) (Credit: Drive 2011 Bold Films/Odd Lot Entertainment/Marc Platt Productions/Seed Productions)

Horrible Horoscope: Scorpio

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/20/2012

Very few people know that the Lincoln statue in the Lincoln Monument is actually life size. (Credit: Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/20/2012

I miss Bernie my St. Bernard. Kim K. stole him cause she's rich & powerful & cooler than me :( (Credit: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/19/2012

Yeeeaaaaah... I don't know what's going on here either. (Credit: Adam Pretty/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/19/2012

John-Cusack-Say-Anything

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/18/2012

Admittedly, we have no idea what these young ladies have to do with Dr. Pepper. His daughters maybe? (Credit: John Parra/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/18/2012

Mason Disick stealing Kourtney Kardashian's attention (Credit: Toby Canham/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/17/2012

Please don't make the Moon angry (Credit: David McNew/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/17/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/10/2012

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