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Horoscopes

Lady Gaga very likely giving Eminem, a Libra, some great advice... (Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

We’re tired of you going to the “internet” when you need to learn about the “birds and the bees,” Libra. What can faceborg, googles or some new mobile app teach you that the bull, creepy twins, prude lady, invisible archer, or Simba can’t?

04/04/2013

Searched for "Beyonce Bunny" and, low and behold, I found what I was looking for. Also, she's a virgo. (Credit: iam.beyonce.com)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Look at the high and mighty Easter Bunny, for example! He’s become so powerful, nay, so power-hungry, that he actually believes the law does not apply to him. Well one day he’ll come crashing down, Virgo, and no one will benefit from that.

04/02/2013

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Denzel looks so lonely... (Credit: Alcon Entertainment/Warner Brothers/The Book of Eli)

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

Your love for nature will not allow you to stand idly by as we turn Mamma Earth into some post-apocalyptic wasteland. And I’m not talkin’ Dune, Leo, I’m talkin’ The Book of Eli, and hey, I love Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but come on, that movie was no Remember the Titans, and if there’s any kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland the Earth should turn into, we all know it should be the one from Road Warrior, but I’m rambling, Leo, I’m rambling…

03/19/2013

Well-kept government secret: Michelle and Barack OBUMMER met at Walmart. (Credit: JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

The stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather–a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit–as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.

03/11/2013

Thanks for the birthday present, mom! (Credit: Harold Cunningham/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

But like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that–instead of cutting your enemies down while you’re surrounded by lotus petals–somehow cuts you, Taurus. Maybe on your pinky, or ring finger. Maybe it won’t cut a finger at all, maybe it’ll cut something else entirely. Regardless, your sword, which is meant to help you, will actually hurt you. Okay, fine, I never really “got” this metaphor. Swords are awesome, that’s all I know.

02/20/2013

(Credit: BERTRAND LANGLOIS/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Pisces

Look, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.

02/12/2013

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

I’m going to be honest, and I never thought I’d say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don’t know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm.

02/07/2013

Take a cue from King Pisces Chuck Norris and learn how to be a decent human being (and how to round house kick). (Credit: Newsmakers)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Is good fortune coming your way? Is the love of your life right in front of your eyes? How do your job prospects look? Is that rash on your unmentionables ever going to clear up?

02/04/2013

Oh my thunder God. Look at those beautiful arms. Imagine! Imagine the majestic, clapping those arms produce. (Credit: Midway Games/Threshold Entertainment/New Line CInema)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

I have two hands, Scorpio. That limits me to one style of clapping. Sometimes I think about how cool it would be to have, say, two extra hands. And, you know, not somewhere useless. Like maybe I’d have two extra arms underneath my actual arms and then at the end of those arms would be my two extra hands. And with those extra hands, I’d do a frenzied excited clap while my regular hands above do a slow clap. I can barely keep a beat, but I think I could pull this off. Provided I had the extra hands, that is.

01/28/2013

Don't really care if it's the middle of the desert, pick up that dog's poop! (Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

If you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.

01/24/2013

Why YES, I am currently dating Batman. We're very happy together. (Credit: Akihiro I/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

It’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”

01/22/2013

Any movie with Nic Cage using a southern accent is a good movie and 'Con Air' is a GREAT movie. (Credit: Touchstone Pictures / Jerry Bruckheimer Films)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Avoid the guillotine that is strife and hold your head high, Virgo. Sure, face your problems head-on if ya feel you need to, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself. If the calamities in your life won’t budge, always keep a cool head…

01/17/2013

(Credit: Online USA)

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

Leo, I get it, you’re evil. The stars don’t want to change you – keep on being you! If you want to mistreat everyone around you, why should the stars say otherwise?

01/15/2013

Wouldn't kill for a McRib, but I'd definitely rob a fast food restaurant for one... (Credit: David Paul Morris/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

The stars and the Moon understand the draw of the McRib! The savory BBQ sauce, the plastic-like meat, the clenching stomach pains that come after eating it, the hour you spend on the toilet the next day – WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?

01/09/2013

(Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images for A&M/Octone)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Pisces, we know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won’t make you any more rock ‘n’ roll than you already are (and, sorry–despite my dad’s claims that you’re “some solid hard rock”—you aren’t very rock ‘n’ roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock ‘n’ roll?

01/07/2013

Oooh sweet goodness get into my mouth...(Credit: Tim Boyle)

Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini

Sure, you thought you could make it as a big-time criminal mastermind, plotting the biggest maple syrup heist in history, but did that work out for you?

01/02/2013

I want to know where Santa's getting money to look so spiffy... (Credit: James McCauley/Harrods via Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Taurus, sorry your Christmas presents never came. There’s nothing worse than waking up Christmas morning to find a tree (glowing with lights and ornaments) with no presents underneath. If you want to blame someone, don’t blame Santa, or your parents…

12/26/2012

owl-2

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Aries, the stars wrote a poem for you…

12/20/2012

Tim Robbins takes in the sweet, sweet moisture droplets of freedom in 'Shawshank Redemption' (Credit: Columbia Pictures)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Aquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!

12/18/2012

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