Horrible Horoscope
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
Jaywalking? That’s kids play for you. You’d break any law if you felt like it. You’d park in a no parking zone, litter, why, you’d probably even skip jury duty.
Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius
Sagittarius, adults are forced to watch and listen to every grueling moment of an election. We can’t ignore the BS spewing from each candidate’s mouth. If we want to turn of the lies and replace them with, say, The Empire Strikes Back, we can’t. We’re grown-ups.
Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio
Well, for one, you could one day be the oldest person on facebook. How does THAT sound? You’ll make up for all those… departed… friends within days! People will be friend requesting you, sending you messages, and poking you all day and night long!
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
Libra, as you’ve trekked down the road that leads to happiness, not quite sure if you’ll ever make it there, have you thought about selling out?
Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo
Virgo, if you’re sitting there in your cubicle wondering if that popular guy from high school who could barely pass pre-algebra is making more than you, realize that you probably don’t want the answer.
Horrible Horoscopes: Leo
Leo, your life will be crushed not only by the metaphorical dump truck bearing down the road, but the literal dump truck bearing down the road.
Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer
Let’s face it, you’re too young to settle. This love, this extreme love, will do nothing but crush you under its weight. You know those old cartoons where an anvil falls on a coyote? It’s like that, but you’re not the Coyote, you’re not even the anvil, you’re like an ant underneath the coyote’s foot.
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
Well in this world, the real one, if you look up at the sky in the hope of finding out something about your future, the Moon will most likely give you the middle finger, then tell you your comb over looks horrible from his/her vantage point. Even from way up there in space.
Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus
When will the fat cats in the government realize how important it is for little girls dressed like skunks to carry guns, Taurus? It’s up to your ingenuity to convince them!
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Leo & Pisces
Pisces, we all know you’d lie (and lay) your mother right into a shallow grave–telling her everything’s going to be alright as you shovel dirt onto her face–if it meant getting ahead in the world. And Leo, you’re no lion – your roar lacks its bite. You might have a great smile and a tender heart, but you couldn’t scare a Middle Eastern bully if your lunch money depended on it…
Horrible Horoscopes: Aries
But this isn’t just about a beer. This is about the principal of it all. Children are supposed to obey their fathers, and when they don’t, you spank them.
Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces
Pisces, prepare for your world to be turned upside down. Sometimes, the foundations of everything we believe in aren’t just challenged, but broken.
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
Or is your background dark and murky? Do you own a black cat? Ride a broom? Host Harry Potter marathons? Are you a witch? I don’t know, but I just farted.
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
We’re talkin’ worse than stealing candy form a baby (cause, really, do those babies need that candy?). Your evil is on par with that German dude from Die Hard, Sauron’s Nazgûl, and Kim Kardashian (we gotta do something before she ruins Kanye).
Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius
How do you know when to stop drinking? When you’ve had so much to drink you’re dodging non-existant elephants on the road, you should probably give up the hooch…
Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio
It’s a dog eat your filet mignon when you get up to go to the bathroom kinda world. Who are you in it? The dog, or the poor sap crying over the steak he slaved over that’s now covered in slobber and laying on the floor?
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
Say you rode unicorns and single handedly beat Hitler in WWII with a good, ol’ punch to the jaw if you want! True or not, who cares, it’s your obit. It’ll be better than whatever your ungrateful relatives write.
Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo
Virgo, do you scurry down the sidewalk looking left and right repeatedly as you stick to the shadows? Do you randomly hear someone call your name from behind, but when you twist around, find the sidewalk empty? Do you not only talk to yourself, but have disagreements with yourself about who you love more, Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes?
Horrible Horoscopes: Leo
Leo, your love life ain’t a movie, so wise up. Sometimes, if you want things to work out, you gotta settle for someone who ain’t Ryan Gosling. Sometimes, you gotta settle for someone who isn’t even Michael Keaton.
Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer
Poor people? What’s the deal. They’re always hungry and stuff. So weird…
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