Horrible Horoscope

NO NOT MY GLASSES! (Credit: Judas Preist / Youtube)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

Jaywalking? That’s kids play for you. You’d break any law if you felt like it. You’d park in a no parking zone, litter, why, you’d probably even skip jury duty.


A bronco. You are the rider. Republicans are the horse trying to buck you off. Democrats are the hard, hard ground that's going to break your fall. Have fun!  (Credit: Michael Smith/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

Sagittarius, adults are forced to watch and listen to every grueling moment of an election. We can’t ignore the BS spewing from each candidate’s mouth. If we want to turn of the lies and replace them with, say, The Empire Strikes Back, we can’t. We’re grown-ups.


Facebook page of Maria Colunia Segura-Metzgar. (credit: facebook)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

Well, for one, you could one day be the oldest person on facebook. How does THAT sound? You’ll make up for all those… departed… friends within days! People will be friend requesting you, sending you messages, and poking you all day and night long!


This could one day be the front of your home! (Credit: Jonathan Daniel/ALLSPORT)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Libra, as you’ve trekked down the road that leads to happiness, not quite sure if you’ll ever make it there, have you thought about selling out?


High School... You couldn't pay me to go back. (Credit: GAMMA LIAISON)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Virgo, if you’re sitting there in your cubicle wondering if that popular guy from high school who could barely pass pre-algebra is making more than you, realize that you probably don’t want the answer.


Iowa Sets The Stage For Nation's First Vote In Upcoming Presidential Election

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

Leo, your life will be crushed not only by the metaphorical dump truck bearing down the road, but the literal dump truck bearing down the road.


Anvil's don't crush you, Cancer. You crush anvils. (Credit: FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

Let’s face it, you’re too young to settle. This love, this extreme love, will do nothing but crush you under its weight. You know those old cartoons where an anvil falls on a coyote? It’s like that, but you’re not the Coyote, you’re not even the anvil, you’re like an ant underneath the coyote’s foot.


Pretty much everyone hates you, Donald. (Credit: TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini

Well in this world, the real one, if you look up at the sky in the hope of finding out something about your future, the Moon will most likely give you the middle finger, then tell you your comb over looks horrible from his/her vantage point. Even from way up there in space.


Look, this kid is already making the world a better place and he hasn't even lost all his baby teeth! (Credit: PETRAS MALUKAS/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

When will the fat cats in the government realize how important it is for little girls dressed like skunks to carry guns, Taurus? It’s up to your ingenuity to convince them!


"You're the guy..." "No! You're the guy..." Ever notice how hearts look like butts?(Credit: SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Leo & Pisces

Pisces, we all know you’d lie (and lay) your mother right into a shallow grave–telling her everything’s going to be alright as you shovel dirt onto her face–if it meant getting ahead in the world. And Leo, you’re no lion – your roar lacks its bite. You might have a great smile and a tender heart, but you couldn’t scare a Middle Eastern bully if your lunch money depended on it…


Sorry for the creepy Hugh Hefner pic. We had a surprising lack of images that came up when I typed in "spanking." (Credit: David Klein/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

But this isn’t just about a beer. This is about the principal of it all. Children are supposed to obey their fathers, and when they don’t, you spank them.


Your name's not Die Hard, it's John McClane, duh! (Credit: Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Pisces, prepare for your world to be turned upside down. Sometimes, the foundations of everything we believe in aren’t just challenged, but broken.


OMG SUPER CUTE WITCH WATCH OUT!!! (Credit: Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Or is your background dark and murky? Do you own a black cat? Ride a broom? Host Harry Potter marathons? Are you a witch? I don’t know, but I just farted.


DON'T TRUST HER, 'YE, IT'S A TRAP(Credit: Noel Vasquez/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

We’re talkin’ worse than stealing candy form a baby (cause, really, do those babies need that candy?). Your evil is on par with that German dude from Die Hard, Sauron’s Nazgûl, and Kim Kardashian (we gotta do something before she ruins Kanye).


Oh. Wow. There WAS an elephant. (Credit: Paula Bronstein/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

How do you know when to stop drinking? When you’ve had so much to drink you’re dodging non-existant elephants on the road, you should probably give up the hooch…


Charlize & Kelly, do NOT trust that dog. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

It’s a dog eat your filet mignon when you get up to go to the bathroom kinda world. Who are you in it? The dog, or the poor sap crying over the steak he slaved over that’s now covered in slobber and laying on the floor?


You don't got a chance with Christina Riccia, but you can tell your grandkids you did. (Credit: Andreas Rentz/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Say you rode unicorns and single handedly beat Hitler in WWII with a good, ol’ punch to the jaw if you want! True or not, who cares, it’s your obit. It’ll be better than whatever your ungrateful relatives write.


Amanda & Lindsay, two different sides of the same insane coin. (Amanda Bynes Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images) (Lindsay Lohan Credit: Kristoffer Tripplaar/ Sipa Press)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Virgo, do you scurry down the sidewalk looking left and right repeatedly as you stick to the shadows? Do you randomly hear someone call your name from behind, but when you twist around, find the sidewalk empty? Do you not only talk to yourself, but have disagreements with yourself about who you love more, Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes?


Love didn't work out for them, why would it work out for you? (Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

Leo, your love life ain’t a movie, so wise up. Sometimes, if you want things to work out, you gotta settle for someone who ain’t Ryan Gosling. Sometimes, you gotta settle for someone who isn’t even Michael Keaton.


Homeless people! The look so weird... (Credit: JOHN MACDOUGALL/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

Poor people? What’s the deal. They’re always hungry and stuff. So weird…