Horrible Horoscopes

I want to know where Santa's getting money to look so spiffy... (Credit: James McCauley/Harrods via Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Taurus, sorry your Christmas presents never came. There’s nothing worse than waking up Christmas morning to find a tree (glowing with lights and ornaments) with no presents underneath. If you want to blame someone, don’t blame Santa, or your parents…

12/26/2012

(Photo Credit: Getty Images/Simon Bruty)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

You get married, there goes the happy days. No more sunshine, Pisces. After that it’s all angry comments under your breath as you wait in line at Wendy’s and getting into fights over the TV remote.

12/21/2012

owl-2

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Aries, the stars wrote a poem for you…

12/20/2012

Tim Robbins takes in the sweet, sweet moisture droplets of freedom in 'Shawshank Redemption' (Credit: Columbia Pictures)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Aquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!

12/18/2012

"Come on in... I promise I won't fart." (Credit: Jasper Juinen/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

What? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique… creations… and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?

12/17/2012

(Credit: Frank Micelotta/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

Sagittarius, the stars and the Moon (especially) have no moral compass. They don’t care if you break the law. In fact, sometimes, if you’re good at it, they encourage it. But you’re not good at it.

12/10/2012

THAT GUY knows how to multi-task! (Credit: Bruno Vincent/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

Thanks to modern technology (smartphones!), I can work, tweet, facebook, invest in stocks, play tetris, write craigslist personals and buy ninja swords from Ebay from the beautiful comfort of my toilet! And you can too (ass long as your 3G/4G doesn’t go out).

12/07/2012

RoboCop won't hesitate to TAKE YOU DOWN. (Credit: JUNIE DOCTOR/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

If you see someone running across the street, jaywalking, you better get your stun gun out. They might get away, and you never let a law breaker get away.

12/04/2012

Things have been sad since Charlie's Angels stopped talking... (Credit: TIZIANA FABI/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Virgo (can I call you Virgo?), the days of standing by your original recipe are behind you. And crispy? Forgettaboutit. Live your life like you’re a bucket full of spicy goodness.

12/03/2012

Sorry, Buzz. The Moon's just old and grumpy. (Credit: Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

So stop blaming the full moon every time you do something stupid. Also, if you see Buzz Aldrin, tell him the Moon thinks he’s a jerk.

11/30/2012

Lookin' good there, Chris Brown. (Credit: David McNew/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Who knows, maybe 5 years of being a hermit could help you reflect on the horrible things you’ve done and make you a better person. It’s doubtful, but it could happen.

11/29/2012

Wow. A Thanksgiving eating contest. How festive. (Credit: Joe Kohen/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

The stars have some very solid advice, Virgo: Lose that temper, or you’ll never get invited to another Thanksgiving again.

11/28/2012

"Hahahaha, we hate the police" - probably not what Dr. Dre and Ice Cube are saying. (Credit: Kevin Winter/ImageDirect)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

Cancer, if you’re stupid enough to bring $1,400 bucks to a drug meet, you deserved to get robbed. Do you really think anyone’s going to sympathize with you? Or take your side? Like, for example, the cops?

11/26/2012

(Credit: KIMIHIRO HOSHINO/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini

Personally, I’m as liberal as the next guy. I say let it all hang out. Unfortunately, astrology isn’t based off my opinion. It’s based off the complicated positions of the stars and planets.

11/20/2012

'Taken 2' South Korea Premiere

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

People are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.

11/19/2012

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner Meet Young Fans

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Taurus

Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.

11/16/2012

COUGAR TOWN only reason to live amirite??? (Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Before you bash my face in, Libra, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…

11/13/2012

Rosie Huntington-Whitely: Pimp. Kirsten Stewart: Pimp. Thomas Jefferson: SUPER PIMP. (Rosie Huntington-Whitely Credit: YASUYOSHI CHIBA/AFP/GettyImages) (Kristen Stewart Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images) (Thomas Jefferson Credit: National Archive/Newsmakers)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aries

Do you think Thomas Jefferson, Kristen Stewart and Rosie Huntington-Whitely found love by being honest and open?

11/12/2012

If you get the flu, ask these guys for help. (Credit: Mark Davis/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

I know, I know… You feel confident your grandmother’s remedies will keep you healthy and–if you do get sick–bring you back to full health. Sometimes though, frogs legs, witch’s tongue, brown M&Ms mixed with yellow Skittles, happy thoughts, chicken soup, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Mitt Romney’s concession speech on repeat, Tumblr, puppies, medicine from a doctor who works out of the Wendy’s drive-thru window (honestly, he’s suspect, but his burgers are great), Game of Thrones, killing the Highlander, fruits and veggies (especially), and love just can’t heal you. Especially if you have the fly.

11/09/2012

Elizabeth Banks surrounded by strippers. Hopefully, they're safe and responsible strippers. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Do gravediggers throw their shovels at people? Do racecar drivers run over pedestrians? Has a McDonald’s employee every thrown a batch of chicken nuggets being fried in oil at your face? I’ve never attempted to stab anyone in the eye with the pen I write articles with. I’ve thought about it. A lot. But I haven’t done it.

11/06/2012

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