Horrible Horoscopes
Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus
Taurus, sorry your Christmas presents never came. There’s nothing worse than waking up Christmas morning to find a tree (glowing with lights and ornaments) with no presents underneath. If you want to blame someone, don’t blame Santa, or your parents…
Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces
You get married, there goes the happy days. No more sunshine, Pisces. After that it’s all angry comments under your breath as you wait in line at Wendy’s and getting into fights over the TV remote.
Horrible Horoscopes: Aries
Aries, the stars wrote a poem for you…
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
Aquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!
Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn
What? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique… creations… and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?
Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius
Sagittarius, the stars and the Moon (especially) have no moral compass. They don’t care if you break the law. In fact, sometimes, if you’re good at it, they encourage it. But you’re not good at it.
Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio
Thanks to modern technology (smartphones!), I can work, tweet, facebook, invest in stocks, play tetris, write craigslist personals and buy ninja swords from Ebay from the beautiful comfort of my toilet! And you can too (ass long as your 3G/4G doesn’t go out).
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
If you see someone running across the street, jaywalking, you better get your stun gun out. They might get away, and you never let a law breaker get away.
Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo
Virgo (can I call you Virgo?), the days of standing by your original recipe are behind you. And crispy? Forgettaboutit. Live your life like you’re a bucket full of spicy goodness.
Horrible Horoscopes: Leo
So stop blaming the full moon every time you do something stupid. Also, if you see Buzz Aldrin, tell him the Moon thinks he’s a jerk.
Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus
Who knows, maybe 5 years of being a hermit could help you reflect on the horrible things you’ve done and make you a better person. It’s doubtful, but it could happen.
Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo
The stars have some very solid advice, Virgo: Lose that temper, or you’ll never get invited to another Thanksgiving again.
Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer
Cancer, if you’re stupid enough to bring $1,400 bucks to a drug meet, you deserved to get robbed. Do you really think anyone’s going to sympathize with you? Or take your side? Like, for example, the cops?
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
Personally, I’m as liberal as the next guy. I say let it all hang out. Unfortunately, astrology isn’t based off my opinion. It’s based off the complicated positions of the stars and planets.
Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus
People are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Taurus
Aries & Taurus, you are by no means compatible. At all. And Taurus, come on, I thought the days of dating girls 100 years your junior were past you! True, love can overcome all odds, but some odds shouldn’t be overcome. Creepy near-pedophilia and vampiric cannibalism are two of those odds.
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
Before you bash my face in, Libra, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…
Horrible Horoscopes: Aries
Do you think Thomas Jefferson, Kristen Stewart and Rosie Huntington-Whitely found love by being honest and open?
Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces
I know, I know… You feel confident your grandmother’s remedies will keep you healthy and–if you do get sick–bring you back to full health. Sometimes though, frogs legs, witch’s tongue, brown M&Ms mixed with yellow Skittles, happy thoughts, chicken soup, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Mitt Romney’s concession speech on repeat, Tumblr, puppies, medicine from a doctor who works out of the Wendy’s drive-thru window (honestly, he’s suspect, but his burgers are great), Game of Thrones, killing the Highlander, fruits and veggies (especially), and love just can’t heal you. Especially if you have the fly.
Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius
Do gravediggers throw their shovels at people? Do racecar drivers run over pedestrians? Has a McDonald’s employee every thrown a batch of chicken nuggets being fried in oil at your face? I’ve never attempted to stab anyone in the eye with the pen I write articles with. I’ve thought about it. A lot. But I haven’t done it.
Most Popular News
- Two Charged With River North BurglariesTwo people have been charged with burglary in connection with a spate of robberies this month in the River North neighborhood.98
- Portage Theater Closed For NowThe 93-year-old landmark theater at 4050 N. Milwaukee Ave. was shut down on Friday after Ald. John Arena (45th) blocked Carranza’s application for a liquor license, according to Carranza.90
- Man Shot And Killed Inside Hyde Park HomeA murder in Hyde Park, just blocks away from President Barack Obama's home.213
- Noise From Music Fest At Chicagoland Speedway Has Neighbors Up In ArmsMost of the complaints seem to be coming from the east of the Chicagoland Speedway in new Lenox, Frankfort and Mokena as grandstands protect the other three sides.127
- Roseland Hospital Cuts Staff, Salaries To Keep Doors OpenAs it waits to hear if it’ll receive a $7 million bailout to stay open, Roseland Community Hospital laid off almost 70 employees, and other hospital employees will take a pay cut.89
- Rev. Jackson: School Closings UndemocraticOpponents of Chicago school closures are vowing to fight on, but they appear to have little chance of reversing the mayor's agenda... unless a federal judge steps in, reports WBBM's Mike Krauser.90
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Twitter Updates
- Two charged with River North burglaries cbsloc.al/19dnupT 4 hours ago
- Portage Theater closed for now cbsloc.al/13U9lZ8 5 hours ago
