Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoLook at the high and mighty Easter Bunny, for example! He’s become so powerful, nay, so power-hungry, that he actually believes the law does not apply to him. Well one day he’ll come crashing down, Virgo, and no one will benefit from that.
Horrible Horoscopes: LeoYour love for nature will not allow you to stand idly by as we turn Mamma Earth into some post-apocalyptic wasteland. And I’m not talkin’ Dune, Leo, I’m talkin’ The Book of Eli, and hey, I love Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but come on, that movie was no Remember the Titans, and if there's any kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland the Earth should turn into, we all know it should be the one from Road Warrior, but I'm rambling, Leo, I'm rambling...
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraIf you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.
Horrible Horoscopes: AquariusIt’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”
Horrible Horoscopes: PiscesPisces, we know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won’t make you any more rock ‘n’ roll than you already are (and, sorry--despite my dad’s claims that you’re "some solid hard rock”—you aren’t very rock ‘n’ roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock 'n' roll?