CBS 2 Chicago wbbm7801059 670 The Score

Horrible

Searched for "Beyonce Bunny" and, low and behold, I found what I was looking for. Also, she's a virgo. (Credit: iam.beyonce.com)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Look at the high and mighty Easter Bunny, for example! He’s become so powerful, nay, so power-hungry, that he actually believes the law does not apply to him. Well one day he’ll come crashing down, Virgo, and no one will benefit from that.

04/02/2013

Denzel looks so lonely... (Credit: Alcon Entertainment/Warner Brothers/The Book of Eli)

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

Your love for nature will not allow you to stand idly by as we turn Mamma Earth into some post-apocalyptic wasteland. And I’m not talkin’ Dune, Leo, I’m talkin’ The Book of Eli, and hey, I love Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but come on, that movie was no Remember the Titans, and if there’s any kind of post-apocalyptic wasteland the Earth should turn into, we all know it should be the one from Road Warrior, but I’m rambling, Leo, I’m rambling…

03/19/2013

Well-kept government secret: Michelle and Barack OBUMMER met at Walmart. (Credit: JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

The stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather–a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit–as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.

03/11/2013

Don't really care if it's the middle of the desert, pick up that dog's poop! (Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

If you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.

01/24/2013

Why YES, I am currently dating Batman. We're very happy together. (Credit: Akihiro I/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

It’s tough when your fellow football players pick on you in the locker room, asking, “Why don’t we ever see ya with any girls, Aquarius? Huh? Are you afraid of them? Hey guys, look! Aquarius is afraid of girls! Aquarius is afraid of commitment! Look at Aquarius, refusing to settle down and move forward with his life! Let’s whip him with towels, then go watch Varsity Blues and Rudy before crying in the hot tub together!”

01/22/2013

(Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images for A&M/Octone)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Pisces, we know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won’t make you any more rock ‘n’ roll than you already are (and, sorry–despite my dad’s claims that you’re “some solid hard rock”—you aren’t very rock ‘n’ roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock ‘n’ roll?

01/07/2013

Tim Robbins takes in the sweet, sweet moisture droplets of freedom in 'Shawshank Redemption' (Credit: Columbia Pictures)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Aquarius! Crawl out the metaphorical slit your jailers call a window, down that imaginary rope made of your hopes, dreams and bed sheets, and live your life!

12/18/2012

"Come on in... I promise I won't fart." (Credit: Jasper Juinen/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Capricorn

What? You think nobody noticed? You can’t fill up an elevator with your own unique… creations… and expect the one other person stuck in there with you to NOT notice. Seriously? You said, “It wasn’t me”? Who would believe you?

12/17/2012

(Credit: Frank Micelotta/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Sagittarius

Sagittarius, the stars and the Moon (especially) have no moral compass. They don’t care if you break the law. In fact, sometimes, if you’re good at it, they encourage it. But you’re not good at it.

12/10/2012

Things have been sad since Charlie's Angels stopped talking... (Credit: TIZIANA FABI/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Virgo (can I call you Virgo?), the days of standing by your original recipe are behind you. And crispy? Forgettaboutit. Live your life like you’re a bucket full of spicy goodness.

12/03/2012

Lookin' good there, Chris Brown. (Credit: David McNew/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

Who knows, maybe 5 years of being a hermit could help you reflect on the horrible things you’ve done and make you a better person. It’s doubtful, but it could happen.

11/29/2012

Facebook page of Maria Colunia Segura-Metzgar. (credit: facebook)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

Well, for one, you could one day be the oldest person on facebook. How does THAT sound? You’ll make up for all those… departed… friends within days! People will be friend requesting you, sending you messages, and poking you all day and night long!

11/01/2012

Iowa Sets The Stage For Nation's First Vote In Upcoming Presidential Election

Horrible Horoscopes: Leo

Leo, your life will be crushed not only by the metaphorical dump truck bearing down the road, but the literal dump truck bearing down the road.

10/29/2012

Amanda & Lindsay, two different sides of the same insane coin. (Amanda Bynes Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images) (Lindsay Lohan Credit: Kristoffer Tripplaar/ Sipa Press)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Virgo, do you scurry down the sidewalk looking left and right repeatedly as you stick to the shadows? Do you randomly hear someone call your name from behind, but when you twist around, find the sidewalk empty? Do you not only talk to yourself, but have disagreements with yourself about who you love more, Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes?

10/11/2012

Hey, ladies ;) (Credit: Carlo Allegri/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Aquarius

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/22/2012

Admittedly, we have no idea what these young ladies have to do with Dr. Pepper. His daughters maybe? (Credit: John Parra/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/18/2012