Horrible Horoscopes: LibraWe’re tired of you going to the “internet” when you need to learn about the “birds and the bees,” Libra. What can faceborg, googles or some new mobile app teach you that the bull, creepy twins, prude lady, invisible archer, or Simba can’t?
Horrible HoroscopesA roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don't let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraIf you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraIf you see someone running across the street, jaywalking, you better get your stun gun out. They might get away, and you never let a law breaker get away.
Horrible Horoscopes: TaurusPeople are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraBefore you bash my face in, Libra, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraLibra, as you've trekked down the road that leads to happiness, not quite sure if you'll ever make it there, have you thought about selling out?
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraSay you rode unicorns and single handedly beat Hitler in WWII with a good, ol’ punch to the jaw if you want! True or not, who cares, it's your obit. It’ll be better than whatever your ungrateful relatives write.
Horrible Horoscopes: LibraMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.

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