Libra
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
We’re tired of you going to the “internet” when you need to learn about the “birds and the bees,” Libra. What can faceborg, googles or some new mobile app teach you that the bull, creepy twins, prude lady, invisible archer, or Simba can’t?
Horrible Horoscopes
A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
If you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
If you see someone running across the street, jaywalking, you better get your stun gun out. They might get away, and you never let a law breaker get away.
Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus
People are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
Before you bash my face in, Libra, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
Libra, as you’ve trekked down the road that leads to happiness, not quite sure if you’ll ever make it there, have you thought about selling out?
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
Say you rode unicorns and single handedly beat Hitler in WWII with a good, ol’ punch to the jaw if you want! True or not, who cares, it’s your obit. It’ll be better than whatever your ungrateful relatives write.
Horrible Horoscopes: Libra
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday’s Bad Horoscopes
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Most Popular News
- Jail Inmate Charged With Previous Murder, Shooting In RobbinsA Cook County Jail inmate faces new charges in connection with a 2012 murder and a separate 2011 shooting in south suburban Robbins, the Cook County Sheriff’s office announced Saturday.60
- Teen Hurt In Little Village ShootingA 14-year-old boy was shot in the arm Saturday afternoon in the Southwest Side Little Village neighborhood.86
- Man Charged With Videotaping Women In Hospital WashroomA poorly secured cell phone in a west suburban hospital washroom that a man had allegedly set up to secretly videotape women in the toilet area was discovered by a woman when the phone fell to the washroom floor on Friday. She alerted police, who then arrested and charged a 49-year-old Franklin Park man with unlawful videotaping.156
- Young Man Shot Outside Old Orchard Shopping CenterA young man was wounded in a shooting in north suburban Skokie Friday night, outside the Old Orchard Shopping Center.227
- 3 Dead, 8 Shot In Citywide ViolenceThree men were killed and at least eight other people were wounded in violence around the city since Friday night.167
- Orange Line Service Resumes After Train-Pedestrian IncidentCTA commuters were temporarily stymied on the Orange Line during the Friday rush hour after a train fatally struck a man on the tracks.401
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- Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau Post Game Show Giveaway May 10, 2013Listen to The Score’s Baseball Post Game Show for your chance to win a $100 lodging gift certificate from the Marquette County Convention & Visitors Bureau!
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Twitter Updates
- RT @48hours: What's being done to stop the murder rate in #Chicago? See what #48Hours learned tonight at 10/9c on #CBS http://t.co/dEWRWI63… 5 hours ago
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