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Libra

Lady Gaga very likely giving Eminem, a Libra, some great advice... (Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

We’re tired of you going to the “internet” when you need to learn about the “birds and the bees,” Libra. What can faceborg, googles or some new mobile app teach you that the bull, creepy twins, prude lady, invisible archer, or Simba can’t?

04/04/2013

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Don't really care if it's the middle of the desert, pick up that dog's poop! (Credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

If you don’t learn how to pick up after your dog soon, Libra, the stars will BRING THE HAMMER DOWN. Yes, that’s right, the stars will punish you if you let your dog poop on the sidewalk one more time. The destruction will be swift and painful, worse than any onslaught you’ve ever heard described in a metal song. Seriously. You will cease to exist.

01/24/2013

RoboCop won't hesitate to TAKE YOU DOWN. (Credit: JUNIE DOCTOR/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

If you see someone running across the street, jaywalking, you better get your stun gun out. They might get away, and you never let a law breaker get away.

12/04/2012

'Taken 2' South Korea Premiere

Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus

People are gullible sheep. Sheeple, if you want to get technical. Lie, and they’ll believe you. It can’t be a small lie though. Small lies never work. It’s gotta be a big lie. If you want to go to Disneyland, you can just say your children were kidnapped and you need to get them back Liam Neeson (a la Taken) style.

11/19/2012

COUGAR TOWN only reason to live amirite??? (Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Before you bash my face in, Libra, let your life flash before your angry, angry eyes and see yourself…

11/13/2012

This could one day be the front of your home! (Credit: Jonathan Daniel/ALLSPORT)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Libra, as you’ve trekked down the road that leads to happiness, not quite sure if you’ll ever make it there, have you thought about selling out?

10/31/2012

You don't got a chance with Christina Riccia, but you can tell your grandkids you did. (Credit: Andreas Rentz/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Say you rode unicorns and single handedly beat Hitler in WWII with a good, ol’ punch to the jaw if you want! True or not, who cares, it’s your obit. It’ll be better than whatever your ungrateful relatives write.

10/12/2012

Very few people know that the Lincoln statue in the Lincoln Monument is actually life size. (Credit: Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/20/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012