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Love at first sight

Well-kept government secret: Michelle and Barack OBUMMER met at Walmart. (Credit: JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer

The stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather–a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit–as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.

03/11/2013