Mason Johnson
Chicago On YouTube: Moo & Oink Teaches Chicago How To Rap
In this edition of the wildly popular ‘Chicago on YouTube,’ we reminisce about the wonderful commercials Moo & Oink used to make in the 80s and 90s. Those were the days…
Horrible Horoscopes: Cancer
The stars know where you can find love, Cancer. Somewhere large and indoors. A place of perpetual sales and bright fluorescent lights. They employ your grandfather–a man who put in 40 years at the plant and deserves a break, dammit–as a door greeter making minimum wage. The amount of misery their employees go through is only rivaled by the amount of money you can save by shopping there.
Poem The News: Justin Bieber’s Birthday Cookie Cake Of Doom
Poem the News — Poetry about the news?! Are you MAD?! POETRY AND THE NEWS DON’T GO TOGETHER. You’re crazy! Yes, reader, yes I am. I am crazy. Read these poems. The submit your own.
#SNOWBRAWL2013: The Snowball Fight Of The Century
#SNOWBRAWL2013 is the most epic-est of snowball fights that will ever take place ever in the history of history. Put on your coat, some gloves, maybe some protective gear, and show up, friend. If you don’t, you just might regret not going for the rest of your miserable life.
Horrible Horoscopes: Gemini
It’s not that your grandkids don’t love you, Gemini. It’s that they have no need for you anymore. They’re so preoccupied with the Googles and Faceborgs, they don’t need you to teach them the finer points of making pasta, how to build a wicked-sweet bookshelf, or the best rods to use for fly fishing.
Poem The News: Burritos In Bed With Dennis Rodman
Poem the News — Poetry about the news?! Are you MAD?! POETRY AND THE NEWS DON’T GO TOGETHER. You’re crazy! Yes, reader, yes I am. I am crazy. Read these poems. The submit your own.
Cure For Boredom: March’s Best Events
Top five events for the month of March COMING AT YA LIKE A ROCKET OUT OF A CANNON THING THAT SHOOTS ROCKETS WOH WATCH OUT HERE COMES SOME FUN BLAMWAMMY!
Poem The News: Stalking Children On Facebook
This weeks Poem the News covers a vast array of news articles about mothers, exotic dancers, facebook and more!
Chicago On YouTube: Billy Corgan Wrestles Walter E. Smithe
Billy Corgan’s been busy. I could list everything he’s busy with, but let’s face it, none of us care. It’s not 1996 anymore. Just last week I was saying, “Billy Corgan will never do anything I care about ever again…” And then Billy — my beautiful, bald baby boy — proved me wrong, releasing a video on Tuesday that rivals everything he’s ever done…
Horrible Horoscopes: Taurus
But like many strong strengths, it can be a double-edged sword. A double-edged sword that–instead of cutting your enemies down while you’re surrounded by lotus petals–somehow cuts you, Taurus. Maybe on your pinky, or ring finger. Maybe it won’t cut a finger at all, maybe it’ll cut something else entirely. Regardless, your sword, which is meant to help you, will actually hurt you. Okay, fine, I never really “got” this metaphor. Swords are awesome, that’s all I know.
Poem The News: Bully Condor Pole Dances At The Library
Poem the News is exactly what it sounds like: reader-submitted poems based on CBS news stories. Submit your own?
Heart-Shaped Treats For Animals At Brookfield Zoo
That’s right, the keepers at the Brookfield Zoo are, as it turns out, romantics at heart when it comes to the animals in their care. Many animals on Thursday received special heart-shaped treats to celebrate Valentine’s Day.
Valentine’s Day For The Lonely & Pathetic
This article is for those of us who dream about never having to leave our beds, comfortably blanketed in our own self-loathing (and, well, literal blankets). This article is for the people who not only have no one to love, but also don’t love themselves. This is how to REALLY be miserable on Valentine’s Day.
Burlesque In Space (And Time!)
Gorilla Tango Theatre performs some of the best burlesque in Chicago. Infused with humor and an underlying intelligence, it’s some of the bester entertainment you’ll find on stage ANYWHERE. See their newest show, a Doctor Who parody titled “Don’t Blink,” NOW!
Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Pisces
Look, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.
Poem the News: Butt Dialing The Cops While Choking Your Husband
Poem the News is exactly what it sounds like: reader-submitted poems based on CBS news stories. Submit your own?
Horrible Horoscopes: Aries
I’m going to be honest, and I never thought I’d say this, but the Moon is really worried about your sperm count, Aries. Why does the Moon worry about your sperm count? I don’t know, bro. I just look at the alignment and communicate what it tells me, and right now the alignment of the Moon (and Harvard researchers) has some very foreboding things to say about your sperm.
Monopoly Fans Add Cat As New Game Piece
One shall die and out of its ashes another shall rise! No we’re not talking about a new Lord of the Rings movie — we’re talking about Monopoly. In a move that’s probably controversial to very few, Hasbro is getting rid of one of Monopoly’s game tokens, and replacing it with a new one…
Chicago On YouTube: Scottie Pippen, The Ladies & Sub Sandwiches
Scottie Pippen’s amazing Mr. Submarine commercial. This may possibly be the best commercial ever made… ever. “Ladies, let’s have a party.”- Scottie Pippen.
Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces
Is good fortune coming your way? Is the love of your life right in front of your eyes? How do your job prospects look? Is that rash on your unmentionables ever going to clear up?
Most Popular News
- Some People You Should Know: The MelodeersIt all began when barbershop patrons started singing while waiting to get their hair cut. A century or so later, the Melodeers chorus is taking the music to a dazzling new height with 140 ladies singing in unaccompanied four-part harmony. CBS 2's Harry Porterfield reports.155
- Mother Of Student Pushed Down School Stairs ‘Enraged’ At Security GuardNew video surfaced Friday that appears to show sophomore Lauren Goodlow being pushed by a male security guard. CBS 2's Dorothy Tucker reports.329
- House Passes Concealed Carry Plan Opposed By Senate LeaderGun owners in the only state still banning concealed weapons would win that right under a plan approved by the Illinois House on Friday, but the governor and other powerful Democrats oppose the plan because it would wipe out local gun ordinances -- including Chicago's ban on assault weapons.220
- Two Shot Near Roosevelt CTA StationAround 11:10 a.m., a 57-year-old man and a 30-year-old man were shot in the 1100 block of South State Street.256
- Store Owner Kidnapped In Pilsen, SUV StolenPolice said the 78-year-old man was closing the store in the 1100 block of West 18th Street when a group of men threw a pillowcase over his head, hit him in the face, and forced him into his own SUV.248
- Man Found Shot To Death In Zion Supermarket Parking LotThe man found shot to death in a parking in north suburban Zion on Thursday afternoon has been identified as a Waukegan resident.152
Contests & Promotions
- Benjamin Moore Which Team Colors Matter Most? May 24, 2013Which Team Colors matter most to you? Either way, you could be a winner! Just sign up now for a chance to win $500 Depot Dollars to the Chicago Sports Depot to pick up some gear with your favorite team colors as they battle it out this week!
- AVEENO® MEN’S “Building a Healthier Foundation” Sweepstakes May 21, 2013AVEENO® Men’s™ knows your family is your foundation. And to take good care of them, you need to take good care of yourself. Win a family day at the ballpark from AVEENO® Men’s™.
- Join Hankook Tire To Reel In The Next Big Catch May 20, 2013Join Hankook tire to reel in the next great catch! Click here to go to www.TirePrize.com and enter for your chance to win the ultimate fishing excursion in Puerto Rico!
- Meet Jim Rome On Set In Los Angeles May 20, 2013AutoZone and the Jim Rome Show are giving one winner and a guest a trip to meet Jim Rome in Los Angeles on the set of his Showtime television show! Enter for your chance to win!
Twitter Updates
- RT @cbs2mai: Tonight at 10: how one police dept. wants to use cameras (both private & public) to fight crime. #PoliceNews #crime 2 hours ago
- RT @Lisa_Fielding: Tim McGraw surprises military families in Orland Park. Story at 405 twitpic.com/csxds1 twitpic.com/csxdt5 @WBBM… 6 hours ago
