Pisces

Keep tryin', buddy. You'll reach your nose with that tongue someday. (Credit: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Do you want to be treated like a second-class citizen, Pisces? Would you like to be discriminated against because of your sexual preference? Would you like to be told by the government that you can’t marry the person you love? No? Then don’t treat others that way.

03/26/2013

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

(Credit: BERTRAND LANGLOIS/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Aries & Pisces

Look, guys, you’re a great couple. Aries and Pisces! You just go together really well. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like salami and mayonnaise. Like fried chicken nuggets on top of cheap mall pizza.

02/12/2013

Take a cue from King Pisces Chuck Norris and learn how to be a decent human being (and how to round house kick). (Credit: Newsmakers)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Is good fortune coming your way? Is the love of your life right in front of your eyes? How do your job prospects look? Is that rash on your unmentionables ever going to clear up?

02/04/2013

(Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images for A&M/Octone)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Pisces, we know you want to show off your wicked tats, but they won’t make you any more rock ‘n’ roll than you already are (and, sorry–despite my dad’s claims that you’re “some solid hard rock”—you aren’t very rock ‘n’ roll). My mom, for example, has a couple tattoos. Have they made her more rock ‘n’ roll?

01/07/2013

(Photo Credit: Getty Images/Simon Bruty)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

You get married, there goes the happy days. No more sunshine, Pisces. After that it’s all angry comments under your breath as you wait in line at Wendy’s and getting into fights over the TV remote.

12/21/2012

If you get the flu, ask these guys for help. (Credit: Mark Davis/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

I know, I know… You feel confident your grandmother’s remedies will keep you healthy and–if you do get sick–bring you back to full health. Sometimes though, frogs legs, witch’s tongue, brown M&Ms mixed with yellow Skittles, happy thoughts, chicken soup, Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Mitt Romney’s concession speech on repeat, Tumblr, puppies, medicine from a doctor who works out of the Wendy’s drive-thru window (honestly, he’s suspect, but his burgers are great), Game of Thrones, killing the Highlander, fruits and veggies (especially), and love just can’t heal you. Especially if you have the fly.

11/09/2012

"You're the guy..." "No! You're the guy..." Ever notice how hearts look like butts?(Credit: SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible (Love) Horoscopes: Leo & Pisces

Pisces, we all know you’d lie (and lay) your mother right into a shallow grave–telling her everything’s going to be alright as you shovel dirt onto her face–if it meant getting ahead in the world. And Leo, you’re no lion – your roar lacks its bite. You might have a great smile and a tender heart, but you couldn’t scare a Middle Eastern bully if your lunch money depended on it…

10/23/2012

Your name's not Die Hard, it's John McClane, duh! (Credit: Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Pisces, prepare for your world to be turned upside down. Sometimes, the foundations of everything we believe in aren’t just challenged, but broken.

10/19/2012

That's definitely the wrong kind of paddle. (Credit: Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

And everything’s bigger in Texas! We’re not talking normal-sized paddles. We’re talking about 2x4s mislabeled as paddles. We’re talking like you-won’t-be-able-to-sit-for-a-week paddles.

09/29/2012

DON'T TRUST HER, PISCES! (Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Pisces

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/22/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012