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Scorpio

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Oh my thunder God. Look at those beautiful arms. Imagine! Imagine the majestic, clapping those arms produce. (Credit: Midway Games/Threshold Entertainment/New Line CInema)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

I have two hands, Scorpio. That limits me to one style of clapping. Sometimes I think about how cool it would be to have, say, two extra hands. And, you know, not somewhere useless. Like maybe I’d have two extra arms underneath my actual arms and then at the end of those arms would be my two extra hands. And with those extra hands, I’d do a frenzied excited clap while my regular hands above do a slow clap. I can barely keep a beat, but I think I could pull this off. Provided I had the extra hands, that is.

01/28/2013

THAT GUY knows how to multi-task! (Credit: Bruno Vincent/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

Thanks to modern technology (smartphones!), I can work, tweet, facebook, invest in stocks, play tetris, write craigslist personals and buy ninja swords from Ebay from the beautiful comfort of my toilet! And you can too (ass long as your 3G/4G doesn’t go out).

12/07/2012

Facebook page of Maria Colunia Segura-Metzgar. (credit: facebook)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

Well, for one, you could one day be the oldest person on facebook. How does THAT sound? You’ll make up for all those… departed… friends within days! People will be friend requesting you, sending you messages, and poking you all day and night long!

11/01/2012

Charlize & Kelly, do NOT trust that dog. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

It’s a dog eat your filet mignon when you get up to go to the bathroom kinda world. Who are you in it? The dog, or the poor sap crying over the steak he slaved over that’s now covered in slobber and laying on the floor?

10/15/2012

To Katy, one of the smartest Scorpios there is. (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/GettyImages)

Horrible Horoscopes: Scorpio

True, while the other five-year-olds were coloring inside the lines, you were eating crayons, but that doesn’t mean you don’t got spunk. You’re just… Different…

09/27/2012

I wanna wear Ryan Gosling's jacket, if ya know what I mean (It's a cool jacket!) (Credit: Drive 2011 Bold Films/Odd Lot Entertainment/Marc Platt Productions/Seed Productions)

Horrible Horoscope: Scorpio

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/20/2012