A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!
I have two hands, Scorpio. That limits me to one style of clapping. Sometimes I think about how cool it would be to have, say, two extra hands. And, you know, not somewhere useless. Like maybe I’d have two extra arms underneath my actual arms and then at the end of those arms would be my two extra hands. And with those extra hands, I’d do a frenzied excited clap while my regular hands above do a slow clap. I can barely keep a beat, but I think I could pull this off. Provided I had the extra hands, that is.
Thanks to modern technology (smartphones!), I can work, tweet, facebook, invest in stocks, play tetris, write craigslist personals and buy ninja swords from Ebay from the beautiful comfort of my toilet! And you can too (ass long as your 3G/4G doesn’t go out).
Well, for one, you could one day be the oldest person on facebook. How does THAT sound? You’ll make up for all those… departed… friends within days! People will be friend requesting you, sending you messages, and poking you all day and night long!
It’s a dog eat your filet mignon when you get up to go to the bathroom kinda world. Who are you in it? The dog, or the poor sap crying over the steak he slaved over that’s now covered in slobber and laying on the floor?
True, while the other five-year-olds were coloring inside the lines, you were eating crayons, but that doesn’t mean you don’t got spunk. You’re just… Different…
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.