Horrible HoroscopesA roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don't let any of these offend you. Thanks!
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoAvoid the guillotine that is strife and hold your head high, Virgo. Sure, face your problems head-on if ya feel you need to, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself. If the calamities in your life won’t budge, always keep a cool head...
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoThe stars have some very solid advice, Virgo: Lose that temper, or you’ll never get invited to another Thanksgiving again.
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoVirgo, if you’re sitting there in your cubicle wondering if that popular guy from high school who could barely pass pre-algebra is making more than you, realize that you probably don’t want the answer.
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoVirgo, do you scurry down the sidewalk looking left and right repeatedly as you stick to the shadows? Do you randomly hear someone call your name from behind, but when you twist around, find the sidewalk empty? Do you not only talk to yourself, but have disagreements with yourself about who you love more, Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes?
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoYou don’t want to go to jail for revenge though, so let’s leave physical violence off the table. Physical violence isn’t cool, even if your girlfriend cheated on you with your sixty-five-year-old band teacher...
Horrible Horoscopes: VirgoMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.
Friday's Bad HoroscopesMason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, "What's your sign?" at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius... ladies.

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