Virgo

Look at that. 2 Broke Girls won an award. Ain't that somethin'... (Credit: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes

A roundup of all our recent Horrible Horoscopes! Like all horoscopes, they are very scientific and extremely accurate. Obviously. Please don’t let any of these offend you. Thanks!

03/21/2013

Any movie with Nic Cage using a southern accent is a good movie and 'Con Air' is a GREAT movie. (Credit: Touchstone Pictures / Jerry Bruckheimer Films)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Avoid the guillotine that is strife and hold your head high, Virgo. Sure, face your problems head-on if ya feel you need to, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself. If the calamities in your life won’t budge, always keep a cool head…

01/17/2013

Wow. A Thanksgiving eating contest. How festive. (Credit: Joe Kohen/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

The stars have some very solid advice, Virgo: Lose that temper, or you’ll never get invited to another Thanksgiving again.

11/28/2012

High School... You couldn't pay me to go back. (Credit: GAMMA LIAISON)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Virgo, if you’re sitting there in your cubicle wondering if that popular guy from high school who could barely pass pre-algebra is making more than you, realize that you probably don’t want the answer.

10/30/2012

Amanda & Lindsay, two different sides of the same insane coin. (Amanda Bynes Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images) (Lindsay Lohan Credit: Kristoffer Tripplaar/ Sipa Press)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Virgo, do you scurry down the sidewalk looking left and right repeatedly as you stick to the shadows? Do you randomly hear someone call your name from behind, but when you twist around, find the sidewalk empty? Do you not only talk to yourself, but have disagreements with yourself about who you love more, Lindsay Lohan or Amanda Bynes?

10/11/2012

That's right, Katie... Bite him. (Credit: Vince Bucci/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

You don’t want to go to jail for revenge though, so let’s leave physical violence off the table. Physical violence isn’t cool, even if your girlfriend cheated on you with your sixty-five-year-old band teacher…

09/26/2012

I miss Bernie my St. Bernard. Kim K. stole him cause she's rich & powerful & cooler than me :( (Credit: Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images)

Horrible Horoscopes: Virgo

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

09/19/2012

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.

06/22/2012