By Mason Johnson
Billy Corgan’s been busy. I could list everything he’s busy with, but let’s face it, none of us care.
It’s not 1996 anymore.
Just last week I was saying, “Billy Corgan will never do anything I care about ever again…”
And then, while avoiding doing real work by cruising WXRT’s website, I found something that proved me wrong. Turns out Billy — my beautiful, bald baby boy — released a video on Tuesday that rivals his entire music career:
Seeing Billy’s love for wrestling (he’s the creator of Resistance Pro Wrestling), we can naturally assume he hangs out with his wrestlers all the time. They’re like his best friends. But he pays them. This made me wonder what kind of shenanigans they get into in their free time.
So I made a list. It’s below. I’m just guessing that these are the ways they occupy their time, but considering how good of a guesser I am (very good), I’d say most of these are probably spot on.
How Billy Corgan, The Ego, Melanie Cruise and Mr. 450 Spend Their Free Time
Billy, Ego, Melanie and 450 go from furniture store to furniture store looking for a quadruple bunk bed. They never find one, not even at Walter E. Smithe. They go home after searching and resign to their regular bunk beds, which are placed side-by-side in the loft they share.
They trade wrestling moves, even Billy, who teaches Melanie, Ego and 450 his special move: The Cage. Not to reveal too many secrets, the basic gist is to enrage your opponent to such an extent that, despite all their rage, they are useless.
Like a rat.
In a cage.
Every morning after showering, Ego, 450 and Melanie shave unsightly hair from Billy’s head. After, Billy helps them shave unsightly hair from various parts of their glistening bodies. No, I can’t go into more detail than that, I don’t want to get fired.
While Ego, 450 and Melanie workout, Billie, clothed only in a cardigan with the sleeves torn off, eyes his pale muscles in the gym mirrors.
After working out, Mr. 450 makes a protein smoothie mix for everyone. Instead of pouring it into glasses, they all stick four giant twirly straws into the blender and share. First one to get a brain freeze wins the pleasure of being the first one to, well, get a brain freeze.
On rainy days, they stay in. They don’t talk. Mr. 450, The Ego and Billy sigh a lot, literally twiddling their thumbs and looking at their feet, wondering whether it will ever be the right time to tell Melanie about their feelings for her.
It will never be the right time.
Together, Billy Corgan, The Ego, Melanie Cruise and Mr. 450 make snow angels. They catch snowflakes on their tongues and laugh joyous spasms like backfiring engines from their bellies after snowball fights. They hold hands as they ice skate. Sometimes they worry about tomorrow, but more often than not, they rejoice about the good times of yesterday. There has never been four better friends in history.
Will there be in the future?
Who knows or cares? That’s for tomorrow to worry about.
After writing this, I found something cooler. This is too much stimulation.
Mason Johnson, CBS Chicago
Read Mason’s incredibly immature, inappropriate and idiotic twitter here.