By Mason Johnson
What if I told you there was a food so amazing, tasty and versatile, that you should eat it for every meal? What if I then told you that I wasn’t talking about some newly invented superfood, but the same old crappy sub sandwiches we’ve always put up with? Would you be won over by my pitch? Would you eat subs every day?
No? Oh. Well if I can’t convince you, maybe Scottie Pippen can:
Inspired by the best commercial ever, I’ve written something that will definitely, without a doubt, inspire you. Ladies and gentleman, I present…
… A Brief, Fictional History Of Scottie Pippen’s Affiliation With Submarine Sandwiches
Scottie is 6-years-old and fully aware that he’s the shortest kid in class. One day, after being pushed down a record-breaking twelve times by bully Patrick Ewing, Scottie’s dad visits Scottie in his bedroom. He sits beside Scottie on his bed. He puts a hand on his knee and silently hands Scottie a submarine sandwich.
Submarine sandwiches become Scottie’s only solace.
The more sub sandwiches Scottie eats the taller he gets. By the time he’s 15, bullies are no longer pushing him down – they’re looking up at him.
Attending University of Central Arkansas, Scottie becomes a star. Playing basketball in his free time, Scottie is known as Subman, making some of the best subs on campus. Lines form out his dorm, go out the building, into the street, stop traffic…
Scottie flourishes with the Chicago Bulls. Even though he’s the most versatile player on the team, he’s overshadowed by Michael Jordan, a cobbler who plays basketball in his free time. Scottie doesn’t mind, he’s got sub sandwiches to bolster his mood.
Too shy to talk to women alone, Scottie starts taking sub sandwiches with him to singles bars. 6-feet-tall with more toppings than you can dream of, these submarine sandwiches become the tastiest wingmen out there.
“Ladies, let’s have a party,” becomes Scottie’s catch-phrase whenever he goes out. The ladies love it. It is clear they want to party. Specifically, with Scottie. Maybe it’s because he’s a basketball star, maybe it’s because of his amazing sub sandwiches – nobody is really sure.
Scottie disappoints the ladies (the ones who want to party). After asking them to party, Scottie immediately sits down on the floor, his legs crossed. The ladies watch confused as Scottie smiles at them before taking a bite out of a roast beef sandwich. Scottie offers the ladies a bite. It becomes clear to the ladies that Scottie’s definition of “let’s party” is far different from their definition of “let’s party.”
They always leave.
It’s 1994. Jordan is gone. The ladies are gone. Scottie is having a tough night against the Knicks. Scottie is fouled time and time again. The refs do not care. Oh sure, when Scottie shares his sub sandwiches with them, they’re buddy-buddy, but when it’s game time, they turn their back to him. The main culprit of Scottie’s harassment is his old schoolyard bully: Patrick Ewing. Scottie isn’t sure if he can last through this game. Coach, friend and confidant Phil Jackson sees the desperation and fear in Scottie’s eyes. Phil calls Scottie over. From his sweat-stained dress-shirt he pulls out a small sub sandwich. “No condiments?” Scottie asks. From his mustache, Phil pulls out a small, white packet and delicately applies streams of mustard to Scottie’s sub. Scottie wolfs it down before the refs notice – if they see, they’ll insist he give them a bite.
Suddenly, Scottie’s back. He dribbles down the court. No one can touch him. He comes up to the net and there’s Patrick Ewing, ready and waiting to knock Scottie down. Scottie isn’t having it. He jumps into the air, he flies like an eagle, but not a Michael Jordan eagle, a better eagle. Patrick Ewing jumps into the air too, but Scottie is too powerful: Ewing gets knocked back. Ewing falls to the ground. Ewing looks up, what does he see? Scottie and his sub sandwich.
Mason Johnson, CBS Chicago
Read Mason’s incredibly immature, inappropriate and idiotic twitter here.