By Dan Morgridge
Good gravy. It is still so stupid hot. Even if it’s not triple digits, this is still gross. My shirt is holding onto every inch of my back. Walking is hard. Biking makes me feel and smell like a surly viking. THIS MUST STOP. Let’s go cool off and remember that we live in an age where for the low, low cost of our children’s future with an ozone layer, we can be cold right now – YEAH! Besides, they’ll probably invent totally green-recyclable-organic A/C units that make the rainforest glow with Gaia’s energy. We deserve to be cold, and the kids will fix it! DOUBLE YEAH!
9233 S. Western Ave.
Chicago, IL 60643
Like you need a reason to go to Rainbow Cone. But just in case you did: they know what their customers need. Also, “orange sherbert, pistachio, Palmer House, strawberry and chocolate” are actually the lyrics to the Chicago anthem, no matter what Umphrey’s McGee tells you. I’m not going to link to that song because good god, don’t remind yourself/watch it in the first place if you’re so lucky to be unscarred. Anyways: Rainbow Cone good! Jam Band superbands bad!
324 North Leavitt Street
Chicago, IL 60612
This rentable kitchen space has a walk-in cooler AND a walk-in freezer. Why are you still reading? Alright fine, so you can make whatever you want while you’re here, using their ice-maker, 20-quart mixer (for frozen drinks), some sinks to get delicious cold water, and a bunch of ovens and microwaves (obviously avoid these at all costs, as they will make things hot, and something about if you can’t stand something and staying in the kitchen and WALK-IN FREEZER).
In Fine Spirits
5418 N. Clark St.
Chicago, IL 60640
You know what’s great about wine and beer? They hate being hot even more than you do. So a shop full of them has to be kept really cold. Also, do you know what helps beat the heat even more than A/C? Getting tipsy on free wine samples while in A/C at the same time. And seeing as how In Fine Spirits does tastings on Friday nights and Sunday afternoons, there’s a really good chance you can try (then stand around for an hour making a delightfully chilled examination of the store’s stock) before you buy.
Nadeau Ice Sculptures
7623 W Roosevelt Road
Forest Park, IL 60130
You’re gonna get cold to art. In fact, to paraphrase a Foreigner song, you’ll be Cold as Ice… Art. Excessive? Just think about getting cooled off by a window A/C unit, and think about getting cooled off by the touch of a hand-crafted ice swan. You are dreaming way, way too small here, get my drift? You deserve ice luxury. But don’t just settle for some run-of-the-mill ice swan that everyone and their brother is probably owning and cooling themselves with as we speak. Nadeau has a whole gallery of ice sculptures to show off to their potential customers. Maybe you’re an angel kinda person. Maybe the logo of your favorite sports team. Maybe an ice evil twin of yourself, whom you would hug, and achieve utter forgiveness and a lowered body temperature all in one swift movement. If you’re not dreaming this hard, you are not dreaming at all.
Frozen Assets Cold Storage
2635 South Western Avenue
Chicago, IL 60608
“But wait,” you ask. “What about us really hot millionaires, who cannot live without our various items of luxury and yet for some reason do not have the means to procure A/C in our mansions? Well even you guys are in luck, because this oh-so-cleverly named cold storage warehouse offers top of the line storage of your cold valuables. Sure, most of the other customers are probably storing massive amounts of meat in railcars in their units, but you, my friend, can sit on a throne of ice and eat Ortolan pops until you somehow get even more disproportionally rich than you already are.
Dan Morgridge is holding one of those little portable fans way too close to his face, and this probably won’t end well.