Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

July 6, 2012 3:00 PM

Pavement on Columbus Drive remained buckled downtown early Thursday. (Credit: Nancy Harty/WBBM Newsradio/CBS)

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Pavement on Columbus Drive remained buckled downtown early Thursday. (Credit: Nancy Harty/WBBM Newsradio/CBS)

By Mason Johnson

The Horned Sheep-Dude Thingy

Don’t leave the house. It is literally Armageddon outside. I’m not saying you should worry about sweating, though you do tend to smell pretty bad when you sweat, I’m saying you have more important things to worry about. The ground, friend, is tearing itself apart.


Yell out your pick for most patriotic America on 3, got it? Ready? 1, 2, 3… GO!


We know it, why don’t they?

Twins (Are Creepy)

Creepy enough to give CPR to a dog?


georgia dvorak cat cropped Fridays Bad Horoscopes

When Georgia Lee Dvorak of Berwyn died, she left behind her 11-year-old cat, “Boots.” (Credit: Georgia Lee Dvorak estate)

Crab In Da House

Happy birthday Sylvester Stallone and Dalai Lama, this one’s for the both of you:

Embrace violence. But in a good way. In a heroic kinda way. Just do it. Reluctantly, because that makes for a better story, but still do it. Think of how good it’ll feel to save the day with your fists.

I Like To Pet Cats

If you can’t live, no one can. This isn’t the worst motto in the world (yolo is). It’s not the best either. Also, it might not work out

Maiden In Manhattan (Best Movie Ever)

You’re proud of your mother. There’s nothing to be ashamed of there. Once, in the second grade, Tommy Schumacher said his mom makes better grilled cheese sammiches than your mom, and you punched him in the face. Good for you!

Your mom’s grilled cheese really ain’t all that great though. Please don’t punch me

Scales? What Kind Of Symbol Is That?

Today’s your day, Libra. Strut your stuff like the beautiful peacock you aren’t, but think you are. You are by no means the smartest, or the best looking, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pretend you are. You can! So take your supremely average talents and act like you’re worth somethin’.


Arrow Shooter Person

Yo, Sagittarius, the grass is always greener on the other side. Unless you’re in Chicago (then it’s kinda crappy on both sides), or colorblind, or you live in Arizona, where they don’t have grass (I think?).

The Goat

Dude. Bro. Saturn, and the Moon. They are, like, they’re connecting. You have no idea. You should take advantage of this fortune, ya dig? By doing… stuff…

Okay, fine, I got no clue what Saturn and the Moon have to do with each other. Just, you know, live today like it’s any other day. At least it’s Friday.

What The Heck’s A Water-beaer?

I know, I know, your boss won’t get off your back. It’s all “do this, do that, you’re lazy, finish that horoscopes article…” Doesn’t he know you’ve got things to do? Don’t let that hack bother you, Aquarius. Let off some steam by doin’ something relaxing.

Hootie & The Blow Fishes

Pisces, sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever end. You get so mad at me when I go out with my friends. Sometimes you’re crazy, then you wonder why I’m such a baby, yeah, the Dolphins make me cry. But there’s nothing I can do, I only wanna be with you.

Mason Johnson isn’t really into Astrology, but he does love him some Hootie. See Mason’s cover band, Cutie & The Fried Fish, at the Joe’s Crab Shack off I90 every Friday night.

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