By Mason Johnson
Tread carefully, Aries! You’re a nerd and we all know it — your lunch money is definitely in danger of being stolen.
Despite the moon’s efforts, you might clash with authority figures sometime soon. Yes, everyone loves NWA, but living by the mantra “F…orget the police” isn’t always advisable.
Gemini, you’re a classy date. Merlot (that’s a type of wine, right?) and chocolate covered strawberries aren’t quite good enough for you. You need the grime of the train, the smell of bodily functions filling your nostrils, unknowable horrors resting in the dregs under your feet. You need the Chicago “L” train.
Fun fact: while the Red Line smells worse, the Blue Line is totally slower.
Usually I’d scoff at mumbo jumbo like “therapy,” but I honestly think you can use all the help you can get. You’re that kind of special crazy. So try this out.
Not everyone deserves a good horoscope. Not everyone deserves to be told they’re going to succeed. Or even that they need to work to succeed. Sometimes, you just need to be told you’re going to hilariously fail. Got it, Leo?
Virgo, sometimes you’re hit with unexpected strife. You just need move on. For example, someone–it could have been anyone–may have eaten the turkey sandwich and chocolate Snack Pack you were keeping in the CBS Chicago break room’s fridge. As much as that sucks, you should probably just get on with your life instead of trying to find the culprit.
Libra, don’t play a player, especially if that player happens to be a rapper. Seriously, you might get… sued?
Scorpio, you feel the opposite tugs of both Mars and Venus. What path do you walk? Do you choose to have a soul, or would you prefer to get really great deals on toilet paper and Kenny Chesney CDs?
Sagittarius, it’s okay, you’re not alone. Many suffer from the wrath of spineless bullies.
The only difference is, of course, that they’re children, and you’re like thirty-six.
Capricorn, you can live your life through your own choices, convictions and know-how, or you can let Google do it all for you. Choose wisely.
Reasons I’m better than you: I’m, like, really good at push-ups (quality over quantity, people); I know a lot about Star Wars; I drive a Taurus; I got a degree from an art school…
So stop hitting on girls I like when we go to Bennigan’s.
Pisces (Oh hey it’s the weekend)
His cat’s an Aquarius…
Also, he knows nothing about astrology or horoscopes or, well, anything.