Best Of Chicago

Friday’s Bad Horoscopes

July 13, 2012 2:00 PM

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Missy Elliott (Credit: missyelliott.com)

Missy Elliott (Credit: missyelliott.com)

1080445331 Fridays Bad Horoscopes

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Angsty Aries

Tread carefully, Aries! You’re a nerd and we all know it — your lunch money is definitely in danger of being stolen.

Tacky Taurus

Despite the moon’s efforts, you might clash with authority figures sometime soon. Yes, everyone loves NWA, but living by the mantra “F…orget the police” isn’t always advisable.

Germy Gemini

Gemini, you’re a classy date. Merlot (that’s a type of wine, right?) and chocolate covered strawberries aren’t quite good enough for you. You need the grime of the train, the smell of bodily functions filling your nostrils, unknowable horrors resting in the dregs under your feet. You need the Chicago “L” train.

Fun fact: while the Red Line smells worse, the Blue Line is totally slower.

1606688 Fridays Bad Horoscopes

(credit: Tim Boyle/Getty Images)

Crazy Cancer

Usually I’d scoff at mumbo jumbo like “therapy,” but I honestly think you can use all the help you can get. You’re that kind of special crazy. So try this out.

Leprous Leo

Not everyone deserves a good horoscope. Not everyone deserves to be told they’re going to succeed. Or even that they need to work to succeed. Sometimes, you just need to be told you’re going to hilariously fail. Got it, Leo?

Vindictive Virgo

Virgo, sometimes you’re hit with unexpected strife. You just need move on. For example, someone–it could have been anyone–may have eaten the turkey sandwich and chocolate Snack Pack you were keeping in the CBS Chicago break room’s fridge. As much as that sucks, you should probably just get on with your life instead of trying to find the culprit.

Lame Libra

Libra, don’t play a player, especially if that player happens to be a rapper. Seriously, you might get… sued?

Sordid Scorpio

Scorpio, you feel the opposite tugs of both Mars and Venus. What path do you walk? Do you choose to have a soul, or would you prefer to get really great deals on toilet paper and Kenny Chesney CDs?

missy elliott Fridays Bad Horoscopes

Missy Elliott (Credit: missyelliott.com)

Sad Sagittarius

Sagittarius, it’s okay, you’re not alone. Many suffer from the wrath of spineless bullies.

The only difference is, of course, that they’re children, and you’re like thirty-six.

Still though, we got your back, bro.

Catty Capricorn

Capricorn, you can live your life through your own choices, convictions and know-how, or you can let Google do it all for you. Choose wisely.

(Choose Google, Google’s the right choice.)

Awkward Aquarius

Reasons I’m better than you: I’m, like, really good at push-ups (quality over quantity, people); I know a lot about Star Wars; I drive a Taurus; I got a degree from an art school…

So stop hitting on girls I like when we go to Bennigan’s.

Pisces (Oh hey it’s the weekend)

Mason Johnson only dates people whose pet’s signs correlate with his pet’s signs.

His cat’s an Aquarius…

Also, he knows nothing about astrology or horoscopes or, well, anything.

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