By Mason Johnson
Aries, you look good and you know it. Don’t let anyone get in your way.
Life is for living, Taurus–so get out there and live! Don’t just sit there on the computer, depressed and covered in old Charleston Chew candy wrappers. Throw your cat off your lap and march your butt away from the computer the internet! (Unless you want to be insane, like Aquarius.)
Stay away from Pisces. You may think it’s true love, but ten years down the line you’ll wake up, realize you don’t love Pisces anymore, and sleep with a twenty-two –year-old college student who listens to WAY too much Kanye West. Trust me, you do not want to deal with Pisces’ revenge.
Listen, Honey Boo Boo Child, this is ridiculous. And it’s our fault. We’ll try to be a better society for your children. Until then, keep away from beauty pageants and try to stay off the juice.
Leo, maybe you hadn’t noticed, but occupying things is cool. Don’t wait any longer, get on it! Here are some things you could occupy if you put your mind to it: the toilet, a job, Arby’s, the Tribune, mom’s guest house, Dave’s Karate over on Main Street, Kohl’s… Did I say Arby’s?
Ugh, you again? I don’t even know why you’re back. You want a horoscope? Fine, here’s a horoscope: go get me a sandwich. The Moon and Mars and Uranus says you should. (No mayo, thanks.)
Leap out of bed this weekend and live to the fullest. You might stumble, but you’ll bounce back. Don’t let a bad fall keep you down. With good representation, you just might be jumping for joy!
But I swear to everything holy, if you get even one trampoline center closed, I will come for you. If you hadn’t noticed, there is very little joy in my life. Don’t ruin what little I have.
Scorpio, you may think it’s a good idea to sing “Call Me Maybe.” You may even think it’s a good idea to hunt down Carly Rae Jepsen and sing it in front of her. Don’t. Carly will pretend she likes it, but she won’t like it. She will hate it. Behind her smile will be a scowl, you just won’t be able to see it behind her pretty face.
Sometimes, being the beauty school dropout ain’t so bad. Sometimes, it’s even better than being a beauty school graduate.
What? You think you’ll go far with a life of crime, Capricorn? Well you won’t. Literally. So cut it out.
You are the single coolest person on the internet, and it’s about to pay off. With the glow of the monitor lighting up your pale, fleshy face, you’re a star. No, you haven’t touched a real human being intimately in years—not even a hand shake—but you’ve got like a thousand Facebook friends. So who’s the loser now?
Wine and roses are lame. You want a romantic evening? Sit at home in the butt groove of your couch with an Arnold Palmer in one hand and a slice of pizza in the other. You’re the only love of your life, Pisces, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Mason Johnson spends most of his time on the internet asking AIM bots what their signs are. He knows nothing about astrology. Nothing. He started reading about it on Wikipedia once, but got bored.