By Mason Johnson
Aries the Bro-Ram
Yo, bro, today is the first day of the rest of your life. So stop puking in cabs. Seriously, it costs too much.
Taurus the Bull
You woke up happy today, because Lebron James and the Heat totally didn’t win the NBA Championship last night. Walk confidently, head in the air, and whatever your do, don’t get punched in the face by Michael Jordan.
Gemini the Creepy Twins
You are solely to blame for the weather we’ve been having. Do you have any idea how sticky I’ve been getting as I try to sleep at night? I can’t afford air conditioning on a CBS salary. Sometimes I start a cold bath to cool down. I’ve been so pruney… The stars and Venus suggest you avoid me and Michael Jordan until, let’s say, October, or you might get punched in the face.
Don’t leave the house for at least a week, someone might steal your tortoise.
Wait… you don’t have a tortoise? What is wrong with you?
Leo the Lannister
You’re a jerk. Everyone says so. Ned Stark, in particular.
I miss Game of Thrones.
Libra the Lecherous
Listen, fine, whatever, we’ll admit it: it’s legal to have sex with 17-year-olds in Illinois. You’re still creepy. Venus highly advises you DON’T take nude pictures of the girl half your age though.
Scorpio Schmorpio, It’s Gay Pride
Sagittarius, You Man-Horse You
You’re disenchanted with the horrendous politics of this city. “What more can they take away from the public?” you wonder. Police stations, mental health institutions… it’s all on the chopping block.
And now there are no more turkey legs at the Taste of Chicago. This is the definition of “the last straw,” Sagittarius. Get out there and do something about it.
Capricorn Cash Money Dolla Billz
You want to do something daring, like buy a trampoline, but you’re scared. If only your state tax return would come… (Who cares, buy that trampoline!)
You keep coming to CBSChicago expecting an article on mini pigs. Maybe a guide on how/where to buy them; a news post detailing a few breeders. But there never is one, is there? No, and there never will be.
Your cargo shorts and flip-flops make you look like a middle-schooler, bro. Have you tried looking good for a change, you bum?
Mason Johnson knows nothing about horoscopes or astrology. Seriously. When he was six, his mom thought it was funny to make him stick his head out the car window and scream, “What’s your sign?” at women walking by. That is the extent of his experience. Also, Mason is an Aquarius… ladies.