(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Aries

Vince Vaughn, you’re an Aries, right? Good. Let me take a minute away from my horoscope responsibilities to speak to you directly (not like anyone reads this anyways). Please, for the sake of entertainment, halt all your projects and retire. Thanks.

JK this Brady Bunch reboot TOTALLY sounds great.

Taurus

Taurus, never forget: abstinence is the best birth control. No matter what your loosey-goosey, “liberal” government says. So, as you stride throughout your life today–and every day from here on out–remember the immortal words of Mr. Marth, my health teacher from Catholic school: “If you have sex, you’ll have kids. If you have kids, you’ll love them. Then, the next thing ya know, you’ve got an evil, succubus of an ex-wife ripping them from your loving embrace.”

Yeah, Vince, a Brady Bunch reboot sounds like a GREAT idea. This isn’t sarcasm. (credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

Gemini

Respect authority. Taking the “serve” in “serve & protect” too literally might land you in trouble with the police, you lazy sonuvagun.

Cancer

I know what you’re thinking: politics is hard. How does one decide what to think, where to eat (Chick-Fil-A, duh), and who to vote for?

Today, Cancer, and today only, you should let celebrities decide for you.

Mountain Leo

Seriously. You gotta stay outta Chicago. You’re not welcome here.

Cougars are okay though ;)

me-ow (MIGUEL ALVAREZ/AFP/Getty Images)

Virgo

Virgo, try to see the upside to everything. What’s that? Your puppy ran away? Think of the money you’ll save on food! No gas in your car? Walking is healthy! Drought wreaking havoc on your country? Don’t worry about it!

Libra

The Moon and Venus have teamed up against you. People are NOT going to like you today. (You may be asking, “How is this different from any other day?” Trust me, it’s worse, bro.) If you have to take public transportation, keep your head down, and don’t make eye contact with anybody. Not a smelly homeless guy, not some loser in a business suit, not that cute art student — even avoid those with sunglasses. Got it?

Scorpio

Scorpio, live every day like you’ve just seen a 1953 EA train for the first time.

Sagittarius

Don’t let other’s judge you. And if they do, don’t sweat it.

Unless your mom thinks it’s cool that you go on one night stands. People can judge you for that.

Capricorn

Before climbing that next summit in your life, make sure to double-check your rope – it just might save your life. And remember, keep your chin up – you don’t want to run into a wall. Also, when swimming for your life, don’t forget to come up for air once in awhile – you don’t want to drown.

Literally. These aren’t metaphors. This is real, tangible advice. Nobody wants to fall off a mountain, run into a wall, or drown.

Aquarius

I’m trying to figure out a way to combine dating, and scratch and sniff stickers. (OKCupid hasn’t exactly been workin’ out for me.) If you come up with anything, I’m willing to cut you in 60/40.

Pisces

Read more Horrible Horoscopes!

Mason Johnson is an Aquarian, and therefore only eats fruit compatible with his sign. Duh. (Also, he knows nothing about astrology).