Best Of Chicago

Horrible Horoscopes

August 17, 2012 3:00 PM

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(credit: ANWAR AMRO/AFP/GettyImages)

(credit: ANWAR AMRO/AFP/GettyImages)

1080445331 Horrible Horoscopes

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, these might not be for you.

Aries

The stars indicate that you should always stick by your friends, Aries. Since you have no friends, just stick by your favorite TV character: MacGyver. Something tells me your many defenses of his mullet and resourcefulness in a pinch are about to be validated.

Taurus

Dude, it’s not cool that you offer to drive to Pizza Hut then hit me up for gas halfway there. The Moon and Venus are seriously annoyed at you, bro.

Gemini

Though creative and beautiful, you might want to wait to attempt to film your Home Alone remake. Apparently people take these things more seriously than they did in the 90s.

Cancer

I ain’t sayin’ you’re a gold digger…

But if the shirt fits.



Leo

Hey, Leo! Get a room.

Virgo

Ya gotta stop calling babies evil. While I’ll admit that they aren’t inherently good, there’s no proof that the small, pruney, alien-like creatures known as “baby” are hell incarnate. It seems they’re neither.

Libra

Uranus suggests you might want to go back to college. Things have changed since 1986.




Hehe… Uranus.

Scoprio

If you’ve ever thought about running for political office, today’s the day. Leave the books at home, the only thing you need to win the election are directions to the nearest gym.

149181942 Horrible Horoscopes

(credit: ANWAR AMRO/AFP/GettyImages)

Sagittarius

Real talk: Colonel Cattington III Esquire—your cat, not the famous Civil War hero he’s named after–is a stone-cold killer. Sure, it’s birds for now, the occasional fly–which you appreciate–but how long till he decides to eat your face off in the middle of the night? I’m wrong? Captain Cuddles would never do that to you? Let me ask you this: Sure, he likes it when you scratch his head, but when he rolls onto his back, welcoming a belly rub with open paws, what happens?

He closes in on your hand the moment you touch his belly and he bites into your dumb, naïve flesh. That’s what happens.

Capricorn

It’s a time for experimentation, Capricorn. Time to break out of your shell. You know that Van Halen cover band you always wanted to start? Do it! Put on those pink tights, find a few middle-aged, washed-up musicians, and rock your heart out.

Suggested band names: Jogging With The Devil, David Lee Rock And Those Other Guys, Van Hagar (wait, I think that one was already used), Van Nailin’, Phan Phalen (you could play Phish music while singing David Lee Roth lyrics), And The Cradle Will Rock (but only if your backup band is exclusively babies), Stan Halen (if you’re name happens to be Stan), Van Stalin…

Aquarius

According to the stars, something terrible will happen to you if you fart in the break room one more time.

Pisces

Mason Johnson doesn’t understand astrology or approve of Nike’s sexist shirt (unless they have it in my size), or the misogynistic depictions of teachers in Hot For Teacher (but the dance routines of the band are pretty cool).

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