Horrible Horoscopes

August 27, 2012 2:00 PM

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

1080445331 Horrible Horoscopes

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, these might make you gassy (and angry).


Today is, without a doubt, a great day to fill that giant, gaping hole in your chest—the one where your heart should be—with cats.


Taurus, you forgot a place while looking for love in all the wrong places: Prison & jail.

145021917 Horrible Horoscopes

(credit: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images)


It’s in your nature to be suspicious of the opposite sex. And for good reason too! They’re untrustworthy. They will ruin everything you hold dear in this world. This is why you should never, ever forget to take your cooties shot.


The first rule of toddler fight club is: You do not talk about toddler fight club.

The second rule of toddler fight club is: You do NOT talk about toddler fight club.


You wouldn’t ask a dog to not bark, would you? It’s what they do. Nor would you ask your thirty-year-old brother to not wake you up in the middle of the night because he’s drunkenly screaming at thirteen-year-olds over X-Box Live. Some birds just cannot be caged, Leo.


This is at least as confusing as what your horoscope would usually be:


Libra, considering the horrific details of your past, you might want to sign up for the dating sites that state they DON’T do background checks. Have fun trying to get a date, you monster.


Your father always said you’d never amount to anything and, whaddya know, the stars agree.


If Jan Terri can fulfill her dream of becoming a pop star, you can do absolutely anything your mind can come up with. Anything.


It’s really hard not to type your sign as “CRAPricorn.” So, you know, I hope you appreciate the fact that I (usually) refrain.


They’re talking about revolution, Aquarius, and you just might be the wo/man to lead us! If you’re ready to meet the enemy “in front of their armored personnel carriers,” then I know just the man who will stand with you.


Pisces, I know what you’re thinking: How the heck did our Randy Travis fan fiction get released to the media?

We may never know.

Mason Johnson doesn’t understand astrology or approve of Nike’s sexist shirt (unless they have it in my size), or the misogynistic depictions of teachers in Hot For Teacher (but the dance routines of the band are pretty cool).

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