Best Of Chicago

Horrible Horoscopes

September 4, 2012 6:00 AM

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Florence Detlor, the oldest facebooker (credit: CBS)

Florence Detlor, the oldest facebooker (credit: CBS)

1080445331 Horrible Horoscopes

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, these might make you gassy (and angry).

Aries

Move outta Utah. The stars are indicating that there’s nothin’ good on TV there. (And really, what would you do without TV, Aries?)

Taurus

Don’t let spoilsports rule your life, be the person you want to be! It doesn’t matter what titles “officials” try to rob you of JUST because you lied and cheated and may have used drugs to win. They’re just jealous.

Gemini

You are plagued by indecision… but is that a bad thing? Seriously? Maybe you should become comfortable with the fact that you annoy your family, partner, friends and co-workers with your inability to choose where to eat for lunch, what shirt to wear, or what movies to see. Haters gonna hate, so let ‘em hate, and let ‘em make all your decisions for you. Trust me, it’s easier than it sounds.

Cancer

Cancer, are you as worried as I am about this whole pen thing? We start letting women have pens, what’s next? Their own credit cards and checking accounts? Equal pay? Independence? The right to vote? ‘Scuse me while I go VOMIT.

Seriously though, I bought my ex-wife a Bic “For Her” Pen and you know what she did? Signed our divorce papers with it. She got everything! And me? I’m living in a van that smells like Cheeto-farts.

florence detlor 082812 Horrible Horoscopes

Florence Detlor, the oldest facebooker (credit: CBS)

Leo

Always show respect to your elders, especially Florence (and especially on facebook). She was “liking” “statuses” before you were a twinkle in your father’s eye (that’s a polite way of saying “before your parents conceived you”).

Virgo

I totally wrote your horoscope, but lost it. It was on the back of a receipt from Chili’s — have you seen it? There was also a phone number on the back for a young lady named Kathlene–yeah, spelled like that–who assured me she was above the age of 18 and would like to go on a date. I’m skeptical. “Can’t be too careful,” is what my uncle Lou said before being hauled to prison. I should check her ID if I ever see her again. The point is moot though, since I lost the receipt, one of my shoes and my house keys sometime between leaving the bar at Chili’s and getting home last night.

I had to sleep in the bushes.

Just joking. This is all a joke. I swear. Actually, it’s a metaphor. All that up there is a metaphor for your week. So yeah, think hard on it, Virgo.

But if you do find that receipt (or my shoe or keys), please send it to me.

Libra



Scorpio

“Buckle down,” they say. “Work hard,” they say. Why not have a drink instead, Scorpio?

Sagittarius

Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s a bird! No, it’s a bird-man! Look at his low rates!



Capricorn

Capricorn, the stars want you to know you have the right to free speech (assuming you’re not reading this from the USSR). The Moon though… The Moon wants to remind you that it has the right to call you an idiot if you say something stupid while exercising your free speech. Tread carefully.

Aquarius

I scream, you scream, we all scream when you won’t give us any damn ice cream you big jerk.

Pisces

Sorry Pisces, looks like you’ll need to find a new profession soon (for those of you who happen to live in California). Don’t worry, there are plenty of other ways to be a charlatan.

Mason Johnson doesn’t understand astrology, but really enjoys the fact that Eagle Man breaks gender boundaries with his ability to lay eggs.

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