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Horrible Horoscopes

September 10, 2012 2:00 PM

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(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

1080445331 Horrible Horoscopes

(credit: EVA HAMBACH/AFP/Getty Images)

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, these might make you gassy (and angry).

Aries

Carpe diem, Aries. YOLO up in here. It’s time to do everything you’ve ever wanted to do. To go bungee jumping, to pull on a pig’s spiraling tail to see if you can straighten it out, to eat chicken nuggets and go number two at the SAME DARN TIME.

Taurus

Taurus, you could be yourself, or you could lie and pretend to be someone else. Someone better. So, you know, if at all possible, do that.

Gemini

902084 Horrible Horoscopes

Sean Connery and Charlotte Rampling from ‘Zardoz.’ (Photo by 20th Century Fox/Courtesy of Getty Images)

Remember, discipline is the foundation of any child’s upbringing. With these twenty-first century brats running around, you might have to get creative with the punishment.

Cancer

Summer’s over, Cancer. Goodbye good times. Goodbye running happily through fields as the sun embraces your face with rays of welcoming warmth. You know what you should do? You should stop leaving the house. Give up on socializing, give up on going out, give up on all non-essential relationships, like friends and family and everyone who isn’t your cat. That’s what the stars suggest.

Leo

Life is a circle, Leo. The mother becomes the daughter becomes the granddaughter, unless the mother becomes the grandmother, or the daughter a sister… or something.

I think that makes sense?

Virgo

Can we just take a moment to honor Sean Connery, quite possibly the best Virgo ever:



Libra

Libra, you may want to amend “I can’t drive 55” to “I can’t drive.”



Scorpio

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE THERE’S A MURDERER BEHIND YOU!

jk it’s not a murderer it’s just the plague.

Sagittarius

Your body is a temple, Sag (can I call you Sag?). And, you know, some temples are big, some are tiny. Some temples are probably medium-sized. Other temples are lanky and gangly. And, as it turns out, being an obese temple ain’t that bad. According to Coke at least.

But what would a soft drink company know about temples?

Capricorn

The Moon’s alignment with Venus means one thing: it’s time to make money hand over fist. To go out there and wheel and deal, to make those cash-money-dolla-billz, to eat that chedda till Benjamins are piling up past your ankles, knees, fists and waist, till you’re literally drowning in your own wealth.

Aquarius

What’s the world coming to when you can’t leave a (nearly) two-year-old alone for a few hours as you “work.” Don’t let society guilt you into “taking care of” your kid, Aquarius. They gotta grow up sooner or later, the sooner you stop smothering them the better.

Pisces

Watch out for the fun police, Pisces. Apparently they’re EVERYWHERE, committing fun police brutality, eating donuts, farting in each other’s faces, and hating on goodtimes in LA. http://losangeles.cbslocal.com/2012/09/06/el-monte-lifeguards-fired-over-gangnam-style-video-remake/

Mason Johnson would plan his bowel movements around constellations if he knew more about astrology, but he doesn’t.

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