By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry). Not your sign? Find more Horrible Horoscopes here.

Elizabeth Banks surrounded by strippers. Hopefully, they’re safe and responsible strippers. (Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images)

Aquarius

Aquarius, sometimes life gives you lemons.

This doesn’t mean you should throw your high heel at a patron during a brawl at the strip club you work at.

In fact, I’m not sure if you should be trusted to wear heels anymore. I know you’ve practiced for hours in them, can walk perfectly and do all sorts of… acrobatics… in them, but come on! It seems like people would be safer around you if you ran with scissors… As long as you weren’t wearing heels.

Realize, this isn’t a criticism of your profession. People should be able to work any job they want with pride.

As long as it’s not dangerous for others.

Do gravediggers throw their shovels at people? Do racecar drivers run over pedestrians? Has a McDonald’s employee every thrown a batch of chicken nuggets being fried in oil at your face? I’ve never attempted to stab anyone in the eye with the pen I write articles with. I’ve thought about it. A lot. But I haven’t done it.

This is… This is almost as bad as bankers cheating millions of Americans out of their hard earned money with bad mortgage loans!

Almost as bad. But not quite.

You keep up this violence on the job, Aquarius, and you’ll be as bad as bankers.

Cut it out.

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Friday. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology! He does know how to play Breakin’ the Law on his guitar though, so if you’re interested in starting a cover band, let him know.